Why Black Lives Matter

I originally posted this to my Facebook page, and I want to revive this blog after so many years. Sorry about the lack of images, I'll get back to that one day.

I’ve been debating if I should write this for a while now, and I’ve decided that enough is enough. This is going to be a rant about my personal experiences, in which I hope the BLM movement achieves something. I don’t expect many people to finish reading this, and I’m not going to get butthurt if you don’t comment.

As you all know, I’m biracial. I mean, it’s pretty obvious, right? I won’t lie and say it has or hasn’t been easy, and by being on social media even more now than ever, it’s made me think about a lot. There’s a lot of things that I ignored in terms of racism, passing them off as passing comments, but I’d be lying if I said none of them affected me. 

I was raised in a Catholic home, and went to Catholic schools. I was forever taught to ‘love thy neighbour’ and to ‘turn the other cheek’, but that’s not going to cut it anymore. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know I was different until I went to school. I didn’t know or understand, heck I still don’t understand, why you would hate somebody for the colour of their skin. It’s not something we can change, and it’s not something we choose. Physical attributes of any kind should not be the reason someone is bullied. I’ve been raised to treat others how I want to be treated in return. I try to be a good person, but sometimes it isn’t easy. 

I remember one time, near the end of primary school, where I was selected to go to a ‘special class’. I followed the teaching assistant and joined a group of foreign pupils. We were told that as english was not our native language, we would be here to improve it. I was so annoyed, I was born in this country and my school waited until I was around 10 years old to decide if I could speak english or not! Needless to say, I left that school with top grades, so much so that I boasted about it for a while. I vividly remember getting the same grades as the person I regarded as the smartest in my year, and even scoring a higher grade in english due to my handwriting. It wasn’t until university, that I considered this might have been the result of racism. I was one of very few black students, and they decided I needed extra help. I never went back to that ‘special class’ where we played games. 

I have had teachers underestimate me so much it’s made me become bitter. Again, in primary school, we were discussing alcoholics and a classmate explained that her uncle was an alcoholic. The teacher calls her brave for speaking up and that it’s hard when someone we love has an addiction. I raise my hand and explain that my older sister married an alcoholic. The teacher looked at me and asked, “Do you even know what an alcoholic is?” Of course I knew! This still makes me angry, and anyone that knows me now, or has worked with me would know how much this pisses me off. 

I’m not saying I’m perfect, or if these truly are acts of racism but those are defining features where I felt I wasn’t treated the same as the rest of my class. Memories are fallible, I guess. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall there being any black students in my classes in primary school. I know there were three mixed kids in my year (of my complexion anyway), but I do not recall anyone darker than us. We might have had an Indian or Pakistani student, but honestly, this was so long ago and Crawley wasn’t the same as it is now. 

I vaguely remember being bullied by some girls in the year above me in primary school. They used to call me ugly all the time, and I don’t think I ever told an adult about it. I was so relieved when I got to year six and didn’t have to see them again. I was also terrified of secondary school (at least the first year), because I thought I would see them again. They would tease me about my hair, so I would ask my mum to change my style. They called me dirty, they called me fat (I was far from it), and I’m sure there was more. This went on for about a year. 

Primary school wasn’t all bad though, I learned a lot and some of my teachers were lovely. I wouldn’t want to go back, though. 

Secondary school was a bit better. There were more multicultural students and I felt like I belonged a bit more. I had some amazing friends, even if most of us have grown apart now. I guess we did leave 8-10 years ago. But, the comments were different. I was constantly being told what I should be doing as a black person, how I should wear my hair. This is the age where most people experiment and find their interests, learn about their ever evolving style. 

“You should have an afro!” Easier said than done. Yes it looks like an afro, but if you’ve seen my hair natural over the past few years, you’ll see that I don’t have the stereotypical halo around my head. My hair just doesn’t do that. I straightened it a lot and ruined my hair. But, I felt insecure with my natural hair, it’s just so… BIG!

Shrubby! My hair had a name. I didn’t like it but my friends did, so I didn’t complain. Looking back, I should have put a stop to it, but I didn’t. My self esteem took a dive and there’s so many things I would tell myself if I could. I think my dad saw the situation for what it was, but didn’t say anything. 

This was also the age where I noticed that security would always follow me around a shop. They still do, and I think I now look suspicious because I’m constantly looking out for them watching me. Why do they do this? I’ve never stolen from a shop before (ok, there was an incident with the self scanner one time, the weight thing accepted it and I didn’t notice that I didn’t pay for something until I got home and checked the receipt), and I don’t plan to start now. I double check the self scanners now, I’m too paranoid it will happen again and I’ll get caught. And what happens if I get caught? Will I be another statistic? Will they record me as British, or black? We all know I can’t pass for being white. Will I get a heavier fine/sentence just because of my colour?

Have you ever gone to a party or an event and found that you’re the odd one out? I have, almost every time. I’ve been to an *almost* all white wedding. That was surreal. I’ve also been to several black parties, courtesy of my father. Again, I felt so out of place! Unless I go to an event that happens to be multicultural, I feel like a fish out of water. I’ve never felt like I belong in society. I’m constantly trying to fit in, but I don't. 

I’ve always thought that I would belong in Ghana. That if England won’t accept me, then Ghana will. But, that’s the thing, they think I’m white. Our dad had to convince museums that we are, in fact, Ghanaian, because they charge more for entry if you do not originate from that country. Not only that, but because we are a lot paler in comparison, they call us white. I thought it was hilarious at the time, but upon reflection, where do I belong? It doesn’t help that I can’t speak the language. I think I’m having an existential crisis due to current events, and I know I’m not the only one affected. 

As an adult, there are so many passing comments that need to be addressed. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “They’re pretty/beautiful/handsome,” but the thought didn’t end there? The thought continues “...for a black girl/woman/boy/guy/man”? I’m not calling you out for being racist, yet. If you have these thoughts but do not say them aloud AND make the effort to not treat/view this person any differently, thank you for not letting these thoughts dictate your actions. But if you say this out loud, reevaluate your life. Please. Seriously, we don’t need this in our lives. We have enough issues with colourism, we do not need your racist comments on top of this. 

“I’ve never been with a black person before.” Do you want a gold star? Brownie points? Why would you say this to anyone?! You’re not breaking barriers, we do not think highly of you, it just reminds us how ingrained racism is in our country. 

“You don’t like watermelon??” That’s a stereotype, not reality. 

“Black people can’t swim.” It’s an ingrained fear from the slave trade. Just like every nationality, some people just do not learn how to swim. Ironically, my dad can’t swim but still helped teach me. 

“Oh, you can dance? I thought all black people could sing?” I wish I could sing! But no, though you may think this is a throwaway comment, it falls into stereotyping a person and placing value on perceptions instead of on the individual. If we can’t live up to your expectionation and you mention something like this, how do you think it affects our self-worth?

“There’s no such thing as white privilege. I don’t get favourable [insert situation/topic here].” White privilege is real, but it may not be what you think. If you are treated as a human being, that is privilege. There are many of us out there who don’t get to experience this because we’re so used to not being treated fairly. I could write or link a whole post here, but honestly, just Google it and you’ll find loads of people have covered this already. 

The BlackLivesMatter movement is important for us. I know it doesn’t address a lot of personal experiences, but if we can have the black community accepted as equals, then there’s hope of accepting the mixed communities. 

In the words of my sister, “We really do be living through a pandemic and a revolution.” We really are in unprecedented times, but history has taught us that those who were oppressed, win during revolutions. At least, I hope this remains true. History was written by the victors, afterall. 

Here are some things I’ve seen on twitter, that may show the differences in how people are talked about. This first one is about twins, you may remember when they were born. Just listen to how the news anchor describes them both.

https://twitter.com/EttyTweets/status/1268844020559753216

https://twitter.com/courtneylj_/status/1267650732519538688

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=280961433033143 

Kuroshitsuji: Book of Circus

W..T..F?!

So I watched this with my sister and we were amazed that it was only ten episodes long. The beginning is intriguing, and unlike the first series, this takes on just one case throughout. It starts shortly after the curry contest in the first season, and Agni is back of course. :)

I don't know what to say without giving too much away.. Well, Ciel is in his London townhouse instead of his luxurious mansion, so we have a change of location. We see more of the servants fighting skills, oh, and there's a mysterious circus that Ciel and Sebastian join. The new cast makes scenes cheerier at first glance, but there is something sinister going on. Something worse than I could have thought possible.

Don't get me wrong, I love Kurohitsuji so much but this was too dark. It even added a new theory to my brain (I haven't read the manga at all) and kept me thinking all the way through. I just didn't like the ending. It was too dark...

SEBAS-CHAN!!! Grell also makes his appearance and is always infatuated with his Sebby. Grell is just so cute that I wanna pinch his little cheeks. :3

That is all I can say... I shall remain with my jaw hanging open and staring at the screen. Wishing for more.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

You know when...

...you have a really good day, and then someone does something small that ruins it completely?

Yeah, my mum (what a surprise) did just that. I had a perfectly good day going on, I got a call back from the job I really want this summer, and even though its a small thing, she kept looking at my laptop. I mean, if I wanted to show you what's on my screen, I would do.

Now, this is what makes her a hypocrite; she always told me off for being nosey as a child (I would ask lots of questions) but she went one step farther and looked round to my screen. Rude, or what?

Yes I know I have mother issues, I don't really like her as a person anymore, so I'll shut up now.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Kiki's Delivery Service

So I recently re-watched this film, and I think it was one of the first anime films I watched after getting back into anime. I love Studio Ghibli films anyway, and this is definitely a must see.

In short, the film tells the story of a young witch (just 13 years old) who leaves home in order to better train her powers and earn a living using her talents. As you can guess, she starts a delivery service and has to deal with the differences in the human world compared to where she grew up. But one day, disaster strikes and she finds that her powers have all 'gone'. Her magical quest with her black cat and new friends try to find a way for her to get her powers back.

I really recommend this film, it's great for the family and amazing to relax to. Go watch it :)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S. I moved back in with my mother about two weeks ago, absolutely hate it. If I can find a job, things will get better, but it's not as bad as being homeless, which was my other option. I've spent my days going out on day trips to meet people (Eastbourne, Brighton, London, etc) just to get out of the house. I went to London a couple of days ago to see my friend who I watch anime with. He came with me to do some uni stuff and going shopping for a little, then sat at his to watch this film and eat :3 I randomly got chatted up on my way over, 20 minutes later and I had to give my number out so that I could escape.

He Left

My Dad has left.

I know I haven't lived with him in ages, and he separated from my mum when I was two, but this time he's gone for good. I got a call Sunday morning from him to explain that he was about to board a plane to Ghana. A one way ticket...

My dad is throwing away the past 20-odd years, 3 girls, 2 ex-wives and a minimum of 2 houses. (I always thought he had more because he had 5 at one point.) My youngest sister is 12!! I'm not through with university, and with my funding cut next year, I don't know how I will cope without his financial support. Then there's the fact that when I'm with my mum over summer, I can't just walk round to visit him. I can't call his phone whenever I need him.

My dad didn't just leave home. He didn't just leave town. He didn't just leave the country either. He changed freaking continents... >.< Maybe I should add him back on facebook?

Annyway,
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Wishful Thinking

Have you ever wanted anything for ages?
A wish that you truly wanted to come true?
Did it come true?

Mine do.

I have made a few wishes in the past, and the ones that I truly wanted with all my heart (at the time) have come true.
Firstly, I wanted to be magic. And at one point I thought I was. Ok, so this may not have come true.
I wanted a twin, someone who looked exactly like me. So I have my sister, and people get us confused all the time even though we think we look nothing alike.
I wanted to be clever. I didn't work harder but I found some things easier to understand. Like maths.
I wished for a boyfriend. Well, I wanted to date this one guy,and over a year later, he was my first kiss and boyfriend.
When I was depressed, I wished to be happy. Now I'm happily managing bipolar disorder, with fewer and shorter depressive episodes.
I wished to go to university (last minute). I picked stupid subjects for A-levels and basically failed, but one university still accepted me. And here I am.

These are what I remember right now, but if I want something bad enough, it does come true. That may be through luck or hard work, but I believe in wishes coming true.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Was A Boy

Not quite...

So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.

So yeah, I thought I was a boy when I was really young. I thought I would share this as I haven't thought about it until recently, and I'm currently trying to work out who I am. I know who I am right now, but I need to know who I used to be. If I can accept myself, I can love myself more. And that's all that matters.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

CHERRY BAKEWELLS!!!

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY?!

Oh, so I have this craving. To these:


And well, I can't have one. Not just because I haven't bought any in years, but because I'm allergic. Yes, that's right. Allergic to a craving. >.<

I have a nut allergy. Most specifically to hazelnuts, cashews and I forgot the other one, but over the years, it's gotten worse. The smell of peanuts sets off my allergies, and a couple of years ago, this delicious treat gave me a reaction.

Has this happened to any of you before? Do you have allergies and then one day, you want something that has this product in it?

Over the Christmas holidays (my stupidly long 2 months off uni holidays), I craved carrot cake. And well, most shop bought carrot cakes have walnuts in. And the ones without nuts, had currants. (I wanted PURE carrot cake. No hidden extras.) Walnuts aren't officially on my list, but I stay away from all nuts as I don't want the risk. (And I refused to renew my epipen...)

So yeah.. Let me know.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Religion vs Good People

I consider myself to be religious, yet not really religious.

I can't tell if he looks bored or judgmental? Probably neither.

I believe in God, was brought up in a Christian family and went to Catholic schools. However, I stopped going to church regularly from the age when I was allowed to stay home alone. Both my parents go to church each week, but to different denominations. My mum goes to the Salvation Army while my dad is a Pentecostal, speaking in tongues, gospel singing kind of guy.

I do not think that religious people are good. Maybe I've had a few too many run ins with religious people that I do not like. Both my parents have abused me at some point in my life, luckily not at the same time. The man who got me kicked out my house was supposedly extremely religious. Oh, and I've been called a 'bad Christian'.

I may not go to church, but I still believe. I pray for others, and sometimes for my pain to go away. I try not to be selfish, but there's only so much a human can do. I'm not perfect and I accept that. I give to charity when I can, but as a student, I am often in debt and asking my dad to help me out financially with the intention to pay him back.

I think that as long as you try to be a good person, you will go to Heaven. Religion aside. It's your intentions that count, not if you force others to believe a religion you pretend to believe in. Yes, God may be with you in every step of your life, but please, don't tell me there's someone watching over my shoulder all the time. That's just creepy.

There are too many people out there that go to church and think that's all they need to do. They do not give to charity, they do not consider others and are not nice people.
*I went to my dad's church once and they said "If you have any money with you, you must give it to the church. It's what God wants."* I mean, what if you just received a late birthday card and it had a little bit of money in it? You expect me to give you a gift that was intended for me? Heck no! They looked down on me when I emptied my pockets to prove I had no money with me at all. (Never make a ten year old feel poor for not carrying cash.)

I'm sorry, but in my eyes, forcing and pressurising others to come to your church and believe in God is not being religious. 'Love thy neighbour', surely as they are? Jesus didn't discriminate against the Jews for not following him, so why should we shun the non-believers?

We have so many religions, so why can't we accept that instead of implying 'Our religion is the only true religion'. No, the basic foundations are all the same. Three pillars that I forgot from Religious Studies; Charity being the only one I remember.

So can we all just try to be good people? Pretty please?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Magic

What if magic was real? If it actually existed.

I believe it does. But not in the fairy tale kind of way. I believe that if you believe in something enough, it becomes true. Your imagination is not just your brain making things up, but a 'third eye' sort of thing looking into a parallel or alternative dimension.

We all possess magic, and 'magicians' are the ones who have managed to tap into their abilities and make a THING out of it. The world isn't as boring as it seems. I have noticed that if I wish for something enough, with all my heart, it becomes true. Small things, nothing drastic though. And it has only happened a few times.

I live in my own world, as you can tell. At age 5, I thought that I knocked over a basket in class with my powers. I wanted it to happen, and truly thought I had done it. It wasn't the wind because the door was closed and we were inside, and no one was near it to knock it over, and it wasn't on the edge of the table either. I saw it move and fall off. I thought it was me! I was so excited that I told my mum when I got home and said "I'm a witch!" :)

There are many types of modern 'magical' people out there; wiccans, magicians, fortune tellers, etc, and for obvious reasons I cannot tell you certain things, but I do enjoy reading this sort of fiction. Imagine if everything you reason was real, just not in our world? It's truly amazing what you can see if you just believe.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x

Coming Out / Life Lessons #5 ?

I really admire gay/bisexual/lesbians that have come out to their parents. I know I would never have the courage. It's a really big deal, and I wish I was as brave as them.

Think about the biggest secret you have, knowing that the one person you want to tell, is completely opposed to it. Some people are really lucky, with parents that will still love you no matter what.

I'm bisexual, and most of my childhood friends don't know. My family certainly think I'm 100% straight. The truth is, I have always had crushes on girls. From as long as I remember. I have no problem telling people that don't really know me, because then it's not really a shock to them. After my recent break-up, I've been turned off from guys. From the two men I have slept with my whole life (there's actually three but the last one is not counted for these purposes), both have forced me to sleep with them in some way. That is technically rape. I believe that I'm becoming less straight, but I don't know what to do...

I don't want people to make the same mistakes as me, being forced into something because they haven't got the guts to say no, because no isn't in the other person's vocabulary.

I don't think I will ever tell my parents, my dad is a strict (black) Christian, and would probably murder me if he found out, and my mum is really old fashioned and doesn't agree with gay people in any way, but she will accept them in a way. She say's she just doesn't want to know about them :/ Either way, it doesn't look good if I tell them...

Harsh Reality

In life, we can all choose what we believe in. Either accept the lies, live in ignorance and be happy, or choose the truth.

I try both. I like to pretend to all those around me, that I believe what I'm told, be naiive, and trust people. But I don't. I know the truth, at least, most of it...

I know that I come across happy to people I know and meet, but my reality is far from similar. Someone made me realise how hard my life actually is, without realising it. "I'm so sad ... My dad lied to me ... He said he would visit last week and didn't arrive" I mean, pur-lease. That was it?! She got depressed over that?

I had a little tantrum, letting her know how easy she had it... How she was lucky to have pet names as a child, to get hugs before bed, nighttime stories. My mum claims to have done this, but I can't remember a thing like that. I remember being told "If you don't like it here, move in with your father" from a young age. My dad is leaving the continent by the end of the year, my youngest half-sister has turned into a spoilt brat, my older siblings barely saw me grossing up, I would get hit frequently, and I have never been academic enough in my dads eyes.

My life hasn't been the worst, but its definitely not the best either. I chose to try and be happy, not to let people put me down or push me around. I became stronger mentally, yeah things still get me down, and I may be bipolar, but I usually manage it. I became a brilliant actress in life, and I'm trying to be a success. I may not get to be famous, (fame was never a goal anyway) but I know I will make it. I have so much determination that its unreal. I refuse to give up, to go backwards.

That is all for now.

Life Lessons #4

Perfection

This doesn't exist in a living form. Simple. HARSH REALITY.

Don't stress about not being 'perfect enough' because no matter how hard you try, it won't happen. You are unique, and beautiful in your own right. There is no perfect person. But you can be amazing, stunning, clever and you can fein perfection.

But then faking perfection makes your imperfect as a rule. Everything around you has a flaw, but if you turn that flaw into a positive, you'll be much happier.

Too short to reach you top shelf? You're cute and fun sized.

Really tall? Great model or basketball player.

Shy? Great at observing others.

Wear glasses? Adorkable, the right frames make you look even cuter, or sophisticated and sexy.

Life Lessons #2

Be proud of everything you have accomplished, no matter how small.

Riding a bike. Yes, some people didn't learn and it's an accomplishment. I took it for granted and was surprised when a friend was shocked that I could ride.

Exam results are something to be proud of, even if you didn't get what you wanted. When I was really young (primary school), I thought GCSEs were really hard and wanted to get all C's. When I was doing the exams, I was predicted all A*s, As and a B. I ended up with 2As, 6Bs, 2Cs, and a D. I didn't revise, so in a way I did well, but my friends did better than me. Hard work paid off for them. I actually revised for my A-levels and got D's :/ But I'm at university anyway xD. There's always a way round things if you have an ambition.

Learning another language. So I was talking to someone with English as their second language, and I would say they're better than half the people that live in Britain, but he didn't believe me and refused to say anything afterwards. The thing is, he was proud of how good he was at English until one stupid person commented that they didn't understand >.< .

Staying a virgin. The older you get, and closer to your 20's you are, the prouder I will be of you. I think I was too young at 16 and regret it (I've mentioned this somewhere before) so stay true to you, and don't let anyone take advantage. :)

Getting your first job, no matter how much you hate it. I loved my first job, but due to family problems and distance (travelling from London every weekend), I quit after 5 months. I'd love to go back there but there were no vacancies this summer, not even in the rest of the town. o.O

That's all for now, but I might think of more to add.

Be Positive

Everyone has their ups and downs, this is completely normal, but it bugs me when people are always down.

I know what its like to be depressed, and to know what it feels like being close to someone who is depressed. It's not nice knowing that someone is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it. I think I am or was bi-polar at some point in my life. For 3 years I knew when I had my up months, and my down ones which always followed shortly after. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

But it will be easier on everyone if we thought about the upside to the majority of life events. Obviously, there are times when being sad is completely acceptable and expected. Heres some examples:

• To get over a breakup, I think about all the things I found annoying or hated about the other person. It helped me get through a lot, but there were some relationships where I couldn't think of something until weeks later. Being single has its positives, as with everything in life. (I'll write some posts on single and coupled life.)

• When I feel down (as I've mentioned before), I now listen to happy music. I have a playlist for times like this too, like childhood music, upbeat songs and musicians that make me smile. I found that depressing and angry music make me feel better, but happy music did this so much quicker.

• If my family say or do something to make me upset, I shut myself in my room. But then I think about what life would be like without them. Who would have taught me to ride a bike? Could I manage living alone (yes) or without that person in my life? (no) How would I feel if they actually died? 

• If someone gets angry with you, just laugh. My foster sister attacked me once, and I proud that I didn't retaliate, but I laughed in her face. The way she clawed up her hands to scratch my face reminded me of an animal. The look in her eyes, the pure hatred and anger, I wasn't scared, so I laughed. Probably not the best idea I've ever had...

• When I got kicked out my house: at least I don't have to put up with him anymore. I didn't like the food anyway. I focused on the small things.

• No romantic relationships? I only need my friends because they're always there for me. :)

I never said this will be easy to do, and it takes practice, but you'll be a happier person. Watch the drama unfold around you, and think 'Was I really like that?' 'Gosh that's embarrassing!'

Family

Most people have someone in their family that they are close to, whether they live with them or not. For me, I'm close to my mum and my sister (In another blog she calls herself Iris, so I will use that name for her too). I never used to be, but now my sister and I realised that we have common interests, we go to various cities together on days out, and we sit and watch anime and japanese dramas together. My mother never used to be so understanding, but after I moved out (the first time) she realised that I wasn't going to take anymore shit from her, and she got extremely upset over it, but also noticed that I won't let people push me around. I am my own person, and nobody will stop me from being just that.

As you may or may not know, my family is a little... dysfunctional, shall we say? I had a foster sister who now lives somewhere in this country, away from us with her 'proper' family. My father left when I was two years old, long before Iris was born. I have an older half sister on my father's side living in a different country. My other older half brother and half sister live somewhere else in this town, so they weren't really around as I grew up. Then my youngest half sister lives in the south coast. That's about an hour drive away, so I only see her when she visits Dad. That's just my immediate family. I have an uncle that never spoke to my mum for the fist ten years of my life, and a little before that too. And her other brother doesn't really associate himself too often, so I now see my uncles on rare family get-togethers.

My cousins are a different story. I was really close to one of them as a young child, but she's a lot older than me, starting a family and I haven't seen her in about two years. Her two sisters barely ever spoke to me. Three cousins who I barely know anymore... Now the uncle that didn't speak to my mum for a long time? He also has two daughters, and I barely know them. All I do know is that they are pretty, have long term partners and have successful jobs. I don't see them either.

I only started thinking about this last night when a friend of mine was telling me how he and his little cousin are really close, and do almost everything together. He described them as 'like father and daughter' which I found strange and would say they are more like siblings. Then on Facebook just now, a picture came up on my timeline saying that cousins are our first childhood friends and that cousins will always be close. Unfortunately that's no the case for me. I seem to hate most of my family, and if I don't hate them, I don't feel anything for them. My uncles and cousins are more like acquaintances.

My mum has a cousin who lives to hours away from us. This is where things get positive :) She has a son and daughter, which makes us second cousins or something? Anyway, I'm pretty close to the two of them, and as we are similar in age, they only thing that stops us being so close is the distance. One of them is John, from another blog post, and in the magpie story, I named him Aaron. Even though we may not see each other regularly, when we do meet up, it's like we were never apart. Like a true family.

So as you can see, my family isn't exactly normal. But without them, I would probably be a different person.

Mainstream Shizz

I want to start off by saying that I am in no way a hipster, no matter what my friends think.

I've just gotten so used to not being a part of the majority that following the crowd has become a turn off.. I always felt like an outsider as a child, first because I'm half African and half white British, and second, I never felt like I belonged. In my first school, no one was mixed race. They were either white, black or Asian. I wasn't 'one of them'.

My friends always seemed to have happy, perfect lives. Both parents working, siblings they got along with and all the toys they wanted. Me on the other hand, my parents divorced by the time I was four. My mum couldn't work because she wanted to be there for me and my sister, and with no family that really liked my mum, she had to struggle on her own. I would always argue with my sister, which led to arguments with my mum, most of them resulting with the line "Why don't you go and live with your father!". Because my mum wasn't working, she couldn't afford the toys my friends got, cable/satellite TV or nice stuff in general. So I wasn't like everyone else to start with.

Secondary school definitely pulled me apart. People would wonder why I didn't act more 'black', why I was quiet, why I was me. I was scared to come out of my shell and show what I really liked. I got into anime and manga but was criticized for it. There was this one girl who thought I was copying her and tried to make me hate myself. I might have mentioned her before, I actually hated going into school. The last year was actually my worst year. I loved Kpop music for the first time, but I was called strange and uncool.

I turned to my sister earlier and said that "Kpop is becoming too mainstream... I don't like it." 

University is like a whole other life for me. When I'm there, I am truly myself. I'm not scared of the judgement, the looks and stares. I re-invented myself, as the confident me. That worked for about a week. Now I'm halfway between that and how I was before. Sure some people aren't open to the fact that I like different things, but I don't care anymore. I am myself and I could never be happier.

I don't just listen to 'mainstream music', I listen to anything I like the tune or beat to. I like The Midnight Beast, The Lonely Island, and The Band Perry. This is where I don't follow suit; Simple Plan, Mika, Evanescence, Fun, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Lindsey Stirling, Big Bang, Nu'est, 2NE1, to name a few of my favourites. Yeah most of these are mainstream artists, but I don't check the Top 40 or anything, I just download the albums and any singles I like.

On the other hand, I also don't follow fashion. Like every girl, I update my wardrobe whenever I can, and buy what's in stores but my collection is quite small because I am so fussy. I get fed up quickly and my style is sometimes called; punky, quirky, cute, different, tomboy-ish, bright. It all depends on my mood.

IT'S ALL ABOUT BEING YOURSELF, AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN, WHO CARES WHAT THE WORLD THINKS! As long as you don't do anything illegal, or dangerous to others, it's all cool.

Small World

I have a lot of random thoughts pop into my head at various times, and this hot and sticky night is one of those times.

I remember back in primary school, year 3 or 4 I think, and I used to get bullied. I never told my family, or my friends as it would happen when I was alone, and it was a couple of 'groups' that did it. One couple were girls in year six, about 2 or 3 years above me, and they would taunt me often. Eventually I confessed this to my mum's friend's daughter, (lets call her L) and it turned out that she used to be best friends with one of them. I still remember their names now, S and C shall be all I will reveal. S was a friend of L, who went to my school but later transferred because it was 'not good enough for her family' (they're snobs now). I begged L to do something, but it did not cease until S and C went to secondary school... luckily that was only about a year or two.

Unfortunately for me, the year after they left, I got bullied by another two girls, two years below me. They would sing songs about me being too skinny, calling me a twig or sticks. I took matters into my own hands and started eating a lot more. Again I never told anyone, and this is my first confession. They stopped the teasing for a while, and then it started up again by calling me a fat whale. I looked like on of those starving African children with stick arms, and a massive belly. I just ate and ate, but didn't care what.

When I finally finished that school, I found that I no longer had the same friends and my self esteem went all the way down. I became reserved and extremely shy. Almost like a different person. I was always a bit on the quiet side, but I now realise that I had changed. I was told by some 'friends' that I should stop complaining about my life because it was too depressing. I grew a tougher skin and never showed my emotions. I didn't know how to fit in and I was often alone in class.

I never really manage to keep friends for very long, but I have a few that I can stay close to... well, make that two. No matter how long we go without speaking because of uni, we can still talk about anything and be who we are. I'm glad I have these two to keep me strong through all the emotional heartbreak (more stories to come), the depression and self harm, through exams, stress, domestic violence and being homeless (for about an hour xD).

My story isn't normal, no one's is. This isn't to share with the world, but a personal reminder of what I have gone through and to know that I am stronger than people realise. I am who I am because of what has happened to me.

Stay strong everyone, and if you're being bullied, tell someone. I know I didn't and was always afraid that it would get worse if I did, but I wish I had more help back then. :)

Why?

(This was originally posted some time in April but as I have learned about tags, this post got moved to now... I don't know why but it just did)

Just to start off, this isn't meant to be a depressing post, so if it is, then I apologise now.

I don't remember much of my childhood, and for years now, I've wanted to start a blog but I never knew what to write about. I feel my life is too boring but this last year has taught me that if I can try to remember, then my life isn't so bad. I want this blog to be my diary, to always be here forever and leave my imprint in the world.

I've had my fair share of misfortune but I want to focus on the happy times. And I swear I've had more of these since starting uni in September than I can remember from the past 18 years. I won't go into detail of my past, such as my parents divorce, the domestic abuse until I turned 17, hopelessly falling for guys and having my heart broken, being shy and only finding friendships online. This is what I want to forget.

I used to write stories a lot, but never finished them so I only have a few posted online. http://www.student.com/profile/mystuff.php?the_profile_name=Flowerzz I have loads more on my laptop but I never know how to continue with what I have. I enjoyed writing because it let m escape my life. I could pretend to be the character and most of the ideas are based on what I wanted to do or be. PLEASE NOTE, I HAVE NOT DONE EVERYTHING IN MY STORIES.

The URL of this blog is Cazzie94, and there is a reason for this. One of my closest friends of a few years ago passed away. He was the nicest person I ever had the chance to meet, and well he always called me Cazzie so often that his sister copied and I got used to using that name. I always thought it was cute, but on 15th June 2011, he died. I fell into a pit of despair. And yes I started a story about that, but never published it. There was a little hole in my heart, and it hurt.

You'll probably notice that from September to December and February to May, my posts will be uni related and all the other times it will be based on my home life. This is purely based on where I am living at the time..