Photography is Bullsh*t

I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.

At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.

I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.

So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your  exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.

This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Chromebook?

So, last week I bought myself a Chromebook. This is not going to be one of those reviews where I convince you to buy it now, but my own personal experience based on a few days.

Firstly, this was not bought to replace my laptop. In fact, I'm thinking of ditching it for a gaming or high powered desktop after university while staying faithful to an over 15 year relationship with Windows PCs.
I have switched from a 15.6" laptop to an 11" Chromebook to be used while on the go. That means that I find the keyboard a little small, but still workable. I would also say that the touchpad is delicate (it is way too easy to switch lines while typing by accident) and can be compared to a Macbook.

As this is my secondary 'laptop', I don't need it all the time. But dropping documents into Google Drive means that I must be connected to the internet for the files to save and simultaneously appear on both devices. Although it is great to simply connect before leaving home, then do all my work on the go without powering off and open them again when I get home to find the new versions. The battery life helps with this. With my wifi off, muted volume (I won't need sound if I'm listening to my phone on the train) and no bluetooth (seriously, who still uses that?), I have found that on 88% battery, I still have almost 12 hours left. Obviously, the more processes happening, the shorter the battery life. But that also means I won't need to charge it during the day if I make sure I have enough before leaving home. It also makes my bag lighter whilst walking around.

I have a HP version of this, bought on my university campus (they overcharge on everything and I paid £250 for it) and I have no problem with a lack of USB slots (2) and an SD card slot. I can even plug in a HDMI cable for presentations.

Lastly, as this has turned into an amateurs review, it's super cute in size. It fits snugly in my handbag, and I barely notice the weight gain.

I do like this Chromebook, but not as a primary device. It works great as something portable and light, without the pricetag of a Macbook. You also shouldn't expect too much from it, from what I can tell, it's basically a tablet with a keyboard (not detachable), a fast startup time (less than 10 seconds) and the processing power to do the things adults do most often, which is check emails, write documents and surf the internet. Depending on the brand and model, the RAM and memory will vary, but I'm sure that's nothing an external hard drive will fix. Maybe don't expect Photoshop too soon though.

Anyway, I'm travelling tomorrow so if I have anymore to add after a proper use, I'll add it at the end.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Retrospect

A year ago today was the most stressful and happiest day of my life. It was the day I honestly contemplated suicide because of the situation in university halls. I couldn't take it anymore.

It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.

Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.

A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Homeless?

So I went  home on Tuesday to look for jobs and see my mum... I was in the house half an hour, before the arguing started. In fact, it started when I got in after a terrible previous couple of days, plus little sleep. I shouted quite a bit, and left saying that I won't be back for summer. I basically told my mum some truths that have been bugging me for a few years.

So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.

I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.

But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I'm Not THAT Funny

So a pigeon just sat on my table and all I did was point at it and say "No". Everyone around me laughed...

Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

Don't You Get It?

Just a little rant/story of today.

So I was in university (as usual) and this guy in my lecture spoke to me between that and our seminar, and we ended up buying a smoothie down the road. He paid for it and everything, but the longer I spoke to him, the more I thought he was into me..
We got back in the building and had ten minutes to spare, so we spoke some more. He was thrilled to find out about where my family come from, and his family is from a neighboring country. Then we somehow spoke about the 'guys' I'm into. I never outright said that I'm not currently into guys (and maybe I should have), but I did mention Korea and Japan a lot. Then he invited me out for dinner Thursday. Now, I'm used to just going out for dinner with friends casually, so I agreed.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows about my love for G Dragon.

We went to our respective rooms and I later saw him on my way back from lunch. The hugged me and went to (I assume) kiss my lips but I moved so he caught my cheek. He checked that I would text him later today (whoops, I forgot until I typed that), and we left at that as he was going home, and I had work to go through.

This gets me thinking. If I say I'm *only* into East Asian Guys (exclude girls for a second), and you're half Jew/ half African, then I'm not interested.

Also, is this now a date?!

I'm so clueless about these things..

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Last Post of the Month :O

This is going to be pointless...

Buuuuut, that means that pancake day is only four days away ^.^ And I cannot wait.

I personally do not like American Style pancakes.. I guess I'm just used to home made British ones. Although, I've never actually made the American ones and I probably just don't like shop bought stuffs. Yes, I wrote 'stuffs'.

My favourite topping is Kaya sauce, which is some Thai sweet coconut thing I found from the waffle man in China Town (my third home). It's delicious, and I only know of the one shop that sells it... (Need to buy some more...)
Other great toppings are; lemon and sugar, jam, golden syrup and fruit, among others. Just anything sweet. ^.^

Enjoy yet another day that is supposed to be religious but now revolves around food. ^.^

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Miss The Snow D:

This time last year, we had snow. Lot's of it.

Despite it being cold and how I get cold really easily, I still love snow. Last January (2013), I went around Hyde Park with my camera and took some photographs until my fingers practically died. I only got 43 images haha. Think about that number in comparison to about 400 pictures of just fruit during a shoot.

So yeah.

Snow makes the park look really beautiful, and after the end of 2013, I think I need something beautiful to distract me ;3.

Anyway, this is an image that I really like, and photography being subjective and controversial as it is, I've also had to watermark it quickly, just in case.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

University #3

So things have changed oh so quickly here already, and I only arrived a week ago today. My flatmates are rarely seen anymore, they just stay in their rooms all day. I know I go out without them, so I'm not saying that I'm not the problem too. It's just that I've been in my room sleeping and watching random things online, one girl is sleeping all the time (she said she caught whatever I have wrong with me :/), I have no idea what the other two girls are doing, I see them for about five minutes a day. Both guys are doing work, I think. I haven't seen one in two days, and the other is watching anime and drawing (Twitter).

I hope we get closer as a flat, I barely know what is going on most of the time, and I hope we don't just do our work all the time. It's all boring. No one is socialising much, so we are not getting to know each other. I understand that two of us are a little ill, but that doesn't mean that things should have an awkward silence in the kitchen.

I'll just leave you with this picture that always makes me happy.

University #1

I have a feeling that I'm going to do random blogs about my daily life at uni... Let's hope it goes better than my Life Lessons series. xD

Anyway, I moved in today, with a little help from two sisters, both parents, my old foster sister and her dad. A bit much, eh?

I've now met my flatmates, I think... They seem ok, there's the stereotypical nerd, a Filipino with the same name (xD), and three other girls. I might be able to get a photo of us all one day, or at least some of us...

I keep comparing us to my flat mates from last year, and well, I miss them so very muchly. But maybe that's because we bonded a little better, all these guys want to do is drink. I like drinking like the next person, but from as early as 8pm? Newbs xD

Oh, and the flat parties weren't as good as last year. Freshers is worse too, by the looks of it. At least I still have friends with houses, so that means better house parties ^.^

That is all for now my lovelies. Goodnight x

Harsh Reality

In life, we can all choose what we believe in. Either accept the lies, live in ignorance and be happy, or choose the truth.

I try both. I like to pretend to all those around me, that I believe what I'm told, be naiive, and trust people. But I don't. I know the truth, at least, most of it...

I know that I come across happy to people I know and meet, but my reality is far from similar. Someone made me realise how hard my life actually is, without realising it. "I'm so sad ... My dad lied to me ... He said he would visit last week and didn't arrive" I mean, pur-lease. That was it?! She got depressed over that?

I had a little tantrum, letting her know how easy she had it... How she was lucky to have pet names as a child, to get hugs before bed, nighttime stories. My mum claims to have done this, but I can't remember a thing like that. I remember being told "If you don't like it here, move in with your father" from a young age. My dad is leaving the continent by the end of the year, my youngest half-sister has turned into a spoilt brat, my older siblings barely saw me grossing up, I would get hit frequently, and I have never been academic enough in my dads eyes.

My life hasn't been the worst, but its definitely not the best either. I chose to try and be happy, not to let people put me down or push me around. I became stronger mentally, yeah things still get me down, and I may be bipolar, but I usually manage it. I became a brilliant actress in life, and I'm trying to be a success. I may not get to be famous, (fame was never a goal anyway) but I know I will make it. I have so much determination that its unreal. I refuse to give up, to go backwards.

That is all for now.

Requested - Vlogging

So my friend has just started vlogging and she sent me this video through twitter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UB7tbzxA7k

I've known her pretty much all my life, and she's wonderful, truly funny and down to earth. So please check it out.

I'll pay you with cookies :)

Life Lessons #2

Be proud of everything you have accomplished, no matter how small.

Riding a bike. Yes, some people didn't learn and it's an accomplishment. I took it for granted and was surprised when a friend was shocked that I could ride.

Exam results are something to be proud of, even if you didn't get what you wanted. When I was really young (primary school), I thought GCSEs were really hard and wanted to get all C's. When I was doing the exams, I was predicted all A*s, As and a B. I ended up with 2As, 6Bs, 2Cs, and a D. I didn't revise, so in a way I did well, but my friends did better than me. Hard work paid off for them. I actually revised for my A-levels and got D's :/ But I'm at university anyway xD. There's always a way round things if you have an ambition.

Learning another language. So I was talking to someone with English as their second language, and I would say they're better than half the people that live in Britain, but he didn't believe me and refused to say anything afterwards. The thing is, he was proud of how good he was at English until one stupid person commented that they didn't understand >.< .

Staying a virgin. The older you get, and closer to your 20's you are, the prouder I will be of you. I think I was too young at 16 and regret it (I've mentioned this somewhere before) so stay true to you, and don't let anyone take advantage. :)

Getting your first job, no matter how much you hate it. I loved my first job, but due to family problems and distance (travelling from London every weekend), I quit after 5 months. I'd love to go back there but there were no vacancies this summer, not even in the rest of the town. o.O

That's all for now, but I might think of more to add.

Sayy Whatt!!

So, I was talking to someone I met through a friend on Facebook and he said "You and your boyfriend are cute together".

We met in a club for a mutual friend's birthday, and I took my cousin with me because he had come to stay with me for the week.

He thought my cousin was my boyfriend...!
And we make a cute couple...!
I have no boyfriend...


THAT IS ALL.

Haii Haii Haii

Don't you just love today? The sun, the rain and a fun day out?

"Morning. It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are gonna get out of... (Gasp) The tank is clean. THE TANK IS CLEAN!!"
No? Well you need to look to the bright side of things :D

A lot has happened today... So today I went to London with my brother and his new girlfriend. I officially met her for the first time and I'd say she's pretty cool, which is saying something, eh? ;)

I think I'm getting a bit big headed right now xD Blame my mood >.<

Anyway, the new girlfriend is great, my older sister is still being rude and pushy (so despite what she text me, I have now done the complete opposite. Nobody tell me what to do >:D), Iris received wonderful GCSE results (I'm so proud of her), I found out where I'm living from September, and I found one of my new flatmates on Facebook. All in all, a great day.

Worst part: I still have a terrible neck ache from being ill these last few days, and Iris is at a friend's house tonight so I can't watch anything with her.


SIDENOTE: If you decide to watch Elysium (That film that was only recently released in the UK), it's pretty damn good. Just excuse the camera work ^.^

Buh baii gorgeous people xx

(I'm going insane xD)

MIKA!

So last December I went to see Mika live for the first time, at the Roundhouse in London. Ever since I have been obsessed with his music, and OH MY GOSH, he is so cuuute.

Mika is unbelievably energetic and it was hard to get a good photo of him as he moved around so much. I took over 400 images in total and yet less than 200 were decent..

My favourite all time song by Mika is 'Love You When I'm Drunk'. I don't know why but the beginning sounds sort of Christmassy and I just really like it.

 Please don't take these images as an example of my photographic work, that can be found in another blog post (I will post the link here). All in all, it was a wonderful time and made me so obsessed over time that I am listening to him on shuffle and repeat right now.

Mika's music is really good if you're feeling down and want to listen to something other than the depressing or 'normal' songs. His style whilst singing and dressing is always impeccable, yet he looks so comfortable.

I just wish he wasn't gay :(

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST!!!

"It's the year of the beast!"

I am a huge fan of TMB. The Midnight Beast started off creating parodies of a few popular songs a few years back, most famously 'Tik Tok - Ke$ha' in which they gained radio coverage and many more fans. I found out about them, through a friend, when they still only had about 3 songs released under their name. I have their "autobiography" titled, Book At Us Now, if you can call it that. Numerous tours and a second season of their self-titled show soon to be released on E4, TMB have come a long way.

Everyone has a favourite member of any band, and mine is Dru. He raps about a depressing childhood where his dad ran away, and sometimes I feel that I can relate. He may not be hot like Ash, or quirky like Stef, but I don't care. Although if I could date one of them, it would probably be Stef, don't ask :)

Check them out on Youtube and give them a chance. I'm not sure exactly where they perform but they do often go to both London and Brighton, and I am fortunate enough to live between both cities. :) Ticket prices are not expensive and don't take them seriously. They're music is sold under comedy, after all.

Why?

(This was originally posted some time in April but as I have learned about tags, this post got moved to now... I don't know why but it just did)

Just to start off, this isn't meant to be a depressing post, so if it is, then I apologise now.

I don't remember much of my childhood, and for years now, I've wanted to start a blog but I never knew what to write about. I feel my life is too boring but this last year has taught me that if I can try to remember, then my life isn't so bad. I want this blog to be my diary, to always be here forever and leave my imprint in the world.

I've had my fair share of misfortune but I want to focus on the happy times. And I swear I've had more of these since starting uni in September than I can remember from the past 18 years. I won't go into detail of my past, such as my parents divorce, the domestic abuse until I turned 17, hopelessly falling for guys and having my heart broken, being shy and only finding friendships online. This is what I want to forget.

I used to write stories a lot, but never finished them so I only have a few posted online. http://www.student.com/profile/mystuff.php?the_profile_name=Flowerzz I have loads more on my laptop but I never know how to continue with what I have. I enjoyed writing because it let m escape my life. I could pretend to be the character and most of the ideas are based on what I wanted to do or be. PLEASE NOTE, I HAVE NOT DONE EVERYTHING IN MY STORIES.

The URL of this blog is Cazzie94, and there is a reason for this. One of my closest friends of a few years ago passed away. He was the nicest person I ever had the chance to meet, and well he always called me Cazzie so often that his sister copied and I got used to using that name. I always thought it was cute, but on 15th June 2011, he died. I fell into a pit of despair. And yes I started a story about that, but never published it. There was a little hole in my heart, and it hurt.

You'll probably notice that from September to December and February to May, my posts will be uni related and all the other times it will be based on my home life. This is purely based on where I am living at the time..