A Little Something / University Advice and Review

I came to university to discover who I am, to procrastinate whilst accumulating a huge debt, and to find my purpose in life. This is what I've learned over the three years:

Well, we all know I'm failing terribly at my subject. I do much better at academics (somehow, considering I have the attention span of a sieve), and hate my course. I don't know if I should pursue my current aspiration of being a social worker; to help kids in the care system. This is based loosely on the experience of having a foster sister for a few years.

The debt. Why, oh why did I pick the expensive way through life?

I can't spell. In fact it's getting so bad I'm worried that I could be dyslexic. Thank goodness for spell check!

Love life: Let's not delve into the past, but embrace the, oh so confusing, present. I have a major crush on a girl in Florida... I am sleeping with my best guy friend. He doesn't want a relationship due to having major commitment issues, but I've accidentally grown to love him. THERE, I SAID IT! I can't make my heart choose, there are issues with both of them and they each know of the other and how I feel.
Then a friend confessed her crush for me over tumblr. I mean, if she told me in first year, maybe something would have happened?
And the past is an icky place.

Sometimes, I wish I had joined Mike at MU.

Happiness: as a group project, we launched ProjectHappyUK. It's our way of spreading awareness of mental wellbeing within students, who often get stressed. We also worked in partnership with UMHAN, a charity that specialises in this. We did this by making a series of videos, holding bake sales, and giving out hugs and business cards with positive messages on them.

Unfortunately, being bipolar, I have become extremely depressed. I had a very long positive period, and so I am worried about the duration and severity of this episode. It's a shame it had to happen at the end of this project, but I should have known  it would creep up on me.

Anime is a great time waster.

Coursework should not be done in the last couple of weeks, but it will be.

Decide on a final project at the beginning, not in the middle when you have no hope of changing it. (This was due to my depression, and lack of general motivation).

Friends don't last forever. But they are always there if you want to reconnect. Also, you will become close to someone during Freshers, and barely speak to them again afterwards.

First impressions are not your only chance. Heck, I told my current lover that I'm a lesbian so that nothing would happen between us, that didn't go to plan.

Being bisexual is complicated, only for explanations. Even at university, many people don't know what it is. Then again, they confuse bipolar disorder with schizophrenia.

Love comes in many forms, and even if the words are not used, there are other ways of showing it.

You pay for damn prescriptions. No more free healthcare for you.

Depending on how you manage your money, and how much you get, your student loan will be a blessing at first, before you realise how much everything costs.

During the most stressful year of university, you will probably have to work as your loan gets cut. Well done SFE, well done. With added stress, I now have less time.

You will not party as much as you thought in your following years.

Running away seems like a good idea at first, until you realise you won't have a degree until you actually finish your course by SUBMITTING EVERYTHING! You might have to repeat your last year. (Genuinely thinking of going to Europe until after my deadlines, maybe Amsterdam or Sweden.)

You will ignore all the advice blogs out there. Even this one.

Know your housemates before you move in, because finding a new place mid-term will make you enemies, and poorer, with added stress.

Costa and Starbucks are expensive if you buy them before and during every class. Stay away or make your own to bring in. Travel mugs are really cute, convenient and cheap in comparison. (They also make quirky vases if you get unexpected flowers.)

Being healthy isn't easy, but buying ingredients instead of ready made meals will MAKE you healthier.

Graduation will be worth all the hard work and stress. And university is a lot more fun than the working world (at least the first two years are).

This was really long so I'll stop now. I seem to have moved on from what I was originally going to write, but that's just how my brain works. Oh, go follow me on tumblr now :) details in the top right.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Introducing: Project Happy UK

As a follow up from my previous post, I want to share with you the first video we produced as part of Project Happy.

We currently have a blog set up, with tips on getting through uni, and dealing with stress, among many future topics we will cover in relation to mental wellbeing. You can find it at www.projecthappyuk.wordpress.com  where Sarah and Katharine post weekly on Sundays. (I used real names for once).
We also have a twitter and instagram set up, both with the usernames @projecthappyuk.
Please follow and support us, if you have any suggestions, we will be sure to look into them and see what we can do. You can email us at: projecthappyuk@gmail.com

Thank you as always.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

There's a Mouse in the House!

I know what I saw.
I don't know what I saw.

It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.

I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.

I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.


I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.

Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x

Tokyo ESP

Ok, so it's taken me a while to watch the last two episodes and write this up.

The first episode is confusing, it shows a city in utter chaos, and the citizens only hope has been locked up due to some law. The second episode starts the story from the beginning, explaining many aspects, good and bad, leading up to the destruction of the town. Somewhere near the end of the series, you realise where the first episode roughly slots in.

There were parts that made me gasp, some where I cringed, and others that almost brought happy tears to my eyes. However, it isn't as interesting as some series that I have watched. In my sister's words, 'We've set a high standard for anime early on, so watching good anime isn't as amazing as others e have watched.' I think she sums it up quite well, we started off with recommendations of series that people have absolutely loved, and then expected all anime to be that good. In truth, not everything is, and it is obvious which ones I like the most by the way I write the review.

If you enjoy watching dark anime such as Tokyo Ghoul, this is great. The themes vary but the storyline stays on track, which is damn helpful.

I'm sorry I've gotten worse at writing these reviews, but you can see why. This was a good series, but not a mindblowingly amazing series. I realised when I moved address and didn't feel like I was missing the series because I didn't have internet for a week. It's something to pass the time, but not something to obsess over.

This is just my opinion, and I may be less interested because my university life has gotten hectic and I'm prioritising my work over leisure. I probably won't be watching any or many series this winter, so don't expect any major posts until after Easter, when my course is drawing to an end.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Tokyo Ghoul

THAT ENDING!!!

I need a new season and soon.

So I've realised that the anime I've watched this season all have shocking or rushed endings, and this was a tiny bit of both. Mostly shocking. And so fricking badass!

So, based on the title, take a guess at what this anime is about.
Ghouls in Tokyo?  You're right.

I hate this guy...

So ghouls are born as they are, a separate race from the humans, who live solely on human flesh.
Mini spoiler: Their bodies reject human food.
Humans do not turn into ghouls, and ghouls do not turn into people, but they can pretend to be human and live amongst them. Ghouls almost live in fear of humans, so they blend in and do not let humans know they are ghouls. (Was that a bit repetitive?) So what happens when a human is interested in dating a ghoul? Watch this and find out.

This dark, action anime presents you with the life of Kaneki, a human, living in Tokyo. If you're fine with blood, enjoy action scenes and plenty of rivals, you should give this a chance. Admittedly it gets darker the further in the series it gets, but I liked that about it.

I really don't know what to say without giving away the storyline. The storyline itself is pretty basic but the design and the way it is told is what makes it amazing. I shall just leave you with some images instead.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

<3 OH MY GOD!! I just remembered while looking through images, that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the opening song. I need to buy it ^.^

I Have This Friend

Surprise!! On contrary belief to older siblings who rarely see me, I do have friends. But this isn't what the post is about.

I have this one friend in particular, and she always had medical problems. She would be in hospital frequently, I think she broke her foot four times. :O But she was in hospital a lot for other reasons too. Anyway, she was in her teenage years when she was told that she could never have a child, because it put too much of a risk on her life.
It's sad :'( I know.

But, when she was 17, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Well, beautiful people make beautiful babies, and some ugly parents also make miracles happen.

This isn't some miraculous story about a girl who defied doctors and lived happily ever after, but it's not a tragedy either.

She then went on to have baby number 2 shortly after.

After a breakdown in her relationship, and a new partner, along comes baby number three.... And then four...

So, after another failed relationship, she calls it quits. She gets an implant fitted, figures that her life is just going to be her and her children, and gets her life on track as a single mum and taking on work whenever she can.

In walks man number three. Now they've been together long enough for her to let him move in and he gets along great with the kids. But she also, somehow, manages to have baby number five. The implant didn't work. I'm not entirely sure if she had the implant before number four, but she certainly had it before number five.

I think the point of my story is to point out that she isn't a benefit leach, like so many other young mothers in England, and until the second child, she did plan to continue living with her parents. Her parents are also quite wealthy, so they could easily support her if they needed to. And she had tried working, fitting it around nursery, primary school, and relying on family to help look after the children so that she could work. But having so many young children is a huge responsibility. I admire her for that.

The oldest cannot be any older than ten years of age at the moment. I asked her if she had any regrets at all, a few years ago (just after number 4) and the only regret she has is having them too soon. She had her first child before legally being able to go to clubs, and it drains a lot of energy, time and money. She said that she should have waited at least a few years.

So, don't judge someone just because they have lots of children, look at what all of them are wearing. That's what I seem to have noticed more. the quality of the childrens clothes are higher and look better than those of benefit leeches. Does the parent have dirty/blackened or missing teeth? Note that it is the overall appearance and attitude of the family that will tell you about their social standing and if they're just having kids for the money.

And I will stop rambling on now.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Apologies

So I haven't posted in almost a month, and I'm wondering what I have done in that time.

I didn't get that job I wanted, but I'm not down about it. It just wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, so hopefully I will get one in London when I eventually find somewhere to live and move back.

Family trip to Arundel. So many arguments, not even worth remembering.

I started some more anime series, so I will review them when I finish with each one. They're being aired weekly so you will have to wait for them.

Many trips to London to see my friend. Involves lots of gaming and cuddles :)

BRIGHTON!!! Just for the evening with some friends...

Junk food. My mum doesn't eat as healthily as I do because food tastes crap around here, so now I'm gaining weight...

eBay, where would I be without you? I just bought some shoes for about £10, and the RRP was £75. I'm so happy with that. :3

So I've basically done nothing for a month and this is why I haven't posted. Summer is stupidly long when you get to university, so make sure you have events lined up. One of my friend's went to (oh I forgot the name of the country), to volunteer and medically help children. It's a third world country, but she finds paid work really easy and could afford to do it. I didn't quite have £600 plus spending money, and then sacrifice my electronics.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

SUMMERRRRRR

Exam's are over and it's summertime now.

Time to watch anime, find a job and look for a new place to live from September.

Oh, I'm re-watching Black Butler with my current flatmate, so a review will be up soon. There's so much I forgot about in the past, like Grell being 'human' in the beginning :o. I've watched it a couple of times in the past, but when it comes to good anime, there's no such thing as watching it too much. :P

I have three weeks left in my contract at my flat, so I need a job as soon as I leave this place. Expect new blogs for when I actually do something. Last year when I started this thing, I thought my life was so dramatic. Now it's practically normal... University has changed me :O I'm not going out to clubs and bars as often as I used to, but I'm not staying in doing nothing either. Just keeping busy with everyday things.

That's all for now.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Pretty Little Liars

This is one of about 5/6 shows I watch on a regular basis, when they're aired of course. I follow the programme online as I don't seem to be able to find it on TV in my country, plus I like to watch things around my schedule, not the broadcasters.

I know that most people write reviews and such after the season or show has finished, or after a mid-season finale, yet I am writing a little now. Because I'm that normal :P.

Spencer, Hanna (blonde), Aria and Emily.

Anyway, we're well into season 4, and it's getting as good as season 1 now :D. It's a show that follows these four friends, starting a year after their friend, Ali's, death. Ali brought these girls together in life, and now they stay together because of the person that calls him/herself, A. The seasons have gone through many suspects, 4(?) more deaths, a series of love interests and many twists and turns. The last episode I watched, made me gasp, and wonder what A has planned next. The more the girls dig for clues, and get closer to finding out the truth, the worse the consequences.

Aria

This show has taken us from beautiful Rosewood, to the creepy Ravenswood, and everywhere in between. No place is safe, and it has even made me a little more aware of what goes on around me. Only a little. ;)

Ali

We *think* we know who Red Coat is, but we still don't have all the answers. I don't want to release any spoilers with my other questions so: Why/what was Ali hiding? Who are all the people in her diary? And what else are the girls hiding?

Spencer

There's supposed to be another season after this, and hopefully between now and then, everything will make sense.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Relieved

I finally got to move out today. Basically  I walked into the housing office and told them that they forgot to call me and arrange a meeting, so we had it right then and there. I was brought to tears again, accused to breaking into a room, and of cyberbullying.
I stormed off crying and shouting something along the lines of "You claim to provide a safe environment to live in yet I've been living in fear for the past month! [...] If you don't do something about this, I will drop out of uni altogether because this is too much stress! I have a deadline on Monday and due to the circumstances I am unable to complete my work in time."

I cried for a while, staring out at the water and City Airport, then called my personal tutor for some advice.
I went to my tutors office, and spoke, then he asked me to leave the room for a few minutes to talk to someone else that had entered.

I then recieved a call from housing, telling me some stuff about a room being available, in which I replied "I should hope so, you guys have driven me to thoughts of suicide, and quitting the one thing I actually want to do[...] Let me calm down first." I was still too angry, and encounters with that man always make me worse. (It really doesn't help that almost everyone I saw that day was male.)

I went to the office with my tutor, who was also trying to get me an extension on a piece of coursework, so that it is complete, even if it is not to the standard that I wanted it to be at. He checked that they were in fact giving me a room, and they gave me the keys to have a look at it. I asked my tutor to come with me as I was still feeling a bit off, and so he did. Getting into another flat made me feel so much better already, and so I accepted the offer and started moving things in, packing and cleaning my old room and then bringing it all over with the help of a couple of friends.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I noticed that I have turned back into my old self again, quite quickly. I have a spring in my step, I'm smiling already and made my first proper meal in about a month (from scratch, none of those jars and frozen rubbish).

I am truly grateful to everyone that has helped and supported me through this time, my family, friends, my personal tutor, and now I found out that the one 'impartial' person in my flat was actually on my side. Shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I hate this

The stress is just too much now. I know I haven't explained anything really on here, but I am seriously considering dropping out of uni, retaking the year or ending my life.

I swore, after Aaron's death just over 2 years ago, that I would never let myself get that depressed again. This past month and a bit has thrown me into a downward spiral of despair, I don't know what to do. I have cried more times each week since September, than I have in the past few years. I almost self-harmed again, I panic when I see 'resemblances' of her, walk the long way home just so I can't be seen from my flat and dread going home. I barely even eat in my flat anymore. I don't go in my kitchen if I know or think someone else is in there too.

My housing office will not let me move out, I have no time to catch up and get my work in on time, and I'm just panicking now. My deadline for this essay is four days, and I've barely started it... Obviously will be handed in either unfinished, at a rubbish standard or not at all.

It has gotten to the point where BOTH my parents are working TOGETHER the help me sort this. And if you have divorced parents, you know how rare this actually is.

So, I just collapsed on my bed and cried for the past 20 minutes, and I must say, despite having so many people backing me up, all I want is a hug and I feel like I have no one to contact at midnight... My family all live over an hour away by car, and longer by public transport, any friends that I may visit or come here will not be able to get back home and the two people I am close to (distance), I have been there too much and feel like I'm bugging them as they have the same deadlines as me and have gone through something similar but worse recently.

I will now leave this depressing post to be forever lost in cyber space.

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x

University #2

I think I managed to get the Freshers' Flu, which sucks. According to my mum I got it last year as well, but she thinks it's because of the change of area, and my body doesn't know how to cope with a higher quantity of things I'm allergic to.

This is my first sober day of the week (yesterday doesn't count because I was hungover), and friends and flatmates still want to do something tonight. I feel dead... I have gone out too much, making up for all those lost days during Summer. :)

We had a cross dressing dare in spin the bottle, and I must say that the guys don't look too bad xD Not as good as Koreans, but on the way.

 

Haii Haii Haii

Don't you just love today? The sun, the rain and a fun day out?

"Morning. It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are gonna get out of... (Gasp) The tank is clean. THE TANK IS CLEAN!!"
No? Well you need to look to the bright side of things :D

A lot has happened today... So today I went to London with my brother and his new girlfriend. I officially met her for the first time and I'd say she's pretty cool, which is saying something, eh? ;)

I think I'm getting a bit big headed right now xD Blame my mood >.<

Anyway, the new girlfriend is great, my older sister is still being rude and pushy (so despite what she text me, I have now done the complete opposite. Nobody tell me what to do >:D), Iris received wonderful GCSE results (I'm so proud of her), I found out where I'm living from September, and I found one of my new flatmates on Facebook. All in all, a great day.

Worst part: I still have a terrible neck ache from being ill these last few days, and Iris is at a friend's house tonight so I can't watch anything with her.


SIDENOTE: If you decide to watch Elysium (That film that was only recently released in the UK), it's pretty damn good. Just excuse the camera work ^.^

Buh baii gorgeous people xx

(I'm going insane xD)

The Last 12 Hours... (at the time...)

I'm going to try to keep this short.. :)

This all happened about a week or two ago, on the 14th. My cousin, John*, had been staying over for the past week and my friend decided to go out in London for her birthday. I don't live in London when I'm away from uni so we decided to catch the bus, a train to London Victoria and then a tube to West Ham (where we started the night). So the first bit was all fun and dandy, just a lot of talking about the past and present, how things are different from where I live and where he lives. We left my house at 7pm.
Then we got on the underground. As soon as the doors closed behind us, there was no escape. The stench was vile, a mixture of sick and possibly urine. A strawberry blonde haired boy sat in the corner next to the door, head down and small stains of puke on the sleeves of his suit/uniform. The look of disgust from other passengers, the whispering around the carriage, the way people would cover their noses and mouths with scarfs and hands. At every passing stop, I asked John if we could change carriage, it was making me feel nauseous and we still had 11 stops to go, 10, 9, 8... He thought it was funny just watching everyone's reactions to the obvious situation. When he finally got off at a station, about 4 stops before our own, we noticed that on the inside of his trousers, was an oozing brown substance we could only imagine as the faeces.
Skip forward a few hours, arriving at my friend's house a little after 9pm, and we start drinking. Meeting up with some more friends from uni, and leave my friend's house at 11pm-ish.
Skip again to when the club closes (what happened inside is just typical and I don't want to bore you with the details) at 4am. We get outside and need to decide if we are staying in London or going back to mine. At 4.30am, we decide to make our way back to London Victoria. I get out my phone, and it takes us past Trafalgar Square, St. James' Park, Buckingham Palace, all whilst still a little drunk.
We managed to get to Victoria all in one piece, bought more tickets to get home, waited around for a loooooooooooooooong time and caught two trains to get to Gatwick Airport. I haven't been to the Airport in a long time and I usually go with my Dad who knows his way around pretty easily. John and I got lost, and circled it at least twice before finding the exit for the buses.
We eventually got home again, and I unlocked my door at 7am.

IT REALLY WAS AN EVENTFUL 12 HOURS :D


* John is not actually his name but who cares. Oh, and the most exciting things happen when John comes over.
I know I rushed the last bit but, who cares :P.