Numb

A few weeks ago, I was extremely stressed. It was deadline time and all I knew was that I couldn't finish my work in time. I would cry and feel numb. Let me tell you, feeling numb is the worst feeling in the world. I tried everything I could to feel something - anything. I ate shit loads of sugar, I cried, I spoke to people. And nothing helped. Even when I reached out to my boyfriend, I made him feel worse. The numbness made me not care about the world, not care about me or anybody else. I would get the uncontrollable urge to cut. I tried not to. I carried out 4 of my 6 steps that my therapist gave me to try before cutting. I couldn't do the other two because I didn't have the stuff around. I tried to stop myself for 2 hours. The urge wouldn't go away.

Pain is the only thing that made me feel anything. I hate the marks I left on my skin. I hate the feeling of failure once the deed is done. I felt so weak. It was the first and only time my boyfriend ever got angry with me. But it wasn't all bad. I had emotions again, I could feel. The relief of pressure. FEELING ALIVE. It’s a reminder that I have something to live for. That everything is temporary and things get better. 

Self-harm doesn't just damage your skin, it can damage the feelings of those around you. Those who love you, they don't understand how cutting can be a good thing. In moderation and not deep. Scars aren't a sign of weakness, but a reminder of overcoming your greatest fears and obstacles. It’s personal.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

I submitted this to a blog through my tumblr: http://aprianna.tumblr.com/ 

Remember, seek help if you're going through any mental health issues, no matter how minor. Just be completely honest with your doctor because no one should suffer in silence.

Yuri Kuma Arashi (Lily Bear Storm)

This was so confusing. Like, really confusing.

For the first few episodes, I didn't have a clue what was going on but continued watching because the concept was different. The entire anime is a metaphor. And I liked that even though it took me a while to understand before I read a comment which explained it without containing spoilers.
At first, I thought this would be a children's anime based on the art style and the use of animals and humans, but I realised this was not the case in some later scenes.

Lulu, Ginko and Kureha. Two bears in the background.

"Some time ago, the asteroid Kumaria exploded in the depths of space. The resulting fragments became a meteor shower that rained down on Earth, and for some reason, bears all over the world rose up and attacked humanity! In "Man vs. Bear," the bears ate the humans and the humans shot the bears, resulting in a seemingly unending battle and a cycle of hatred. In the end, a giant "Wall of Extinction [Severance]" was erected between the humans and bears and a state of mutual nonaggression came to pass... The human world. One morning, Arashigaoka Academy students Kureha Tsubaki and Sumika Izumino were by themselves and saw the "Yuri Flower" that bloomed in a flower bed. The two are friends as well as lovers. The flower bed is an important place to the two. At that moment, the Bear Alarms ring out! The bears are invading the human world, and humans are being attacked! Are they really those bears? One mystery invokes yet another mystery, one after another. The curtain rises magnificently on Yuri Kuma Arashi!" ~ AnimeUltima.

The ending is absolutely beautiful, and I still don't know why they used bears in this, as it would be much more obvious without them, but it helps move the story along. The 'Invisible Storm' and the school represent society, but that's the only spoiler I will give you.

Take a look, and if you understand, I know you will like it too.
And for you perverts out there, I'm afraid the characters are sometimes scantily clad, and sometimes fully nude although you won't really see anything.
Listen to the opening song for clues as to the story line.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

RIP Peaches Geldof

It's true, and I've just heard of it.

I remember watching a documentary on her a few years back and sort of admired Peaches. She was funny, had a career and didn't seem to care what people thought. She was herself.

I guess this just goes to show how short life can be, she left behind two beautiful young children and she will be missed. At just 25, her whole life was ahead of her...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Wishful Thinking

Have you ever wanted anything for ages?
A wish that you truly wanted to come true?
Did it come true?

Mine do.

I have made a few wishes in the past, and the ones that I truly wanted with all my heart (at the time) have come true.
Firstly, I wanted to be magic. And at one point I thought I was. Ok, so this may not have come true.
I wanted a twin, someone who looked exactly like me. So I have my sister, and people get us confused all the time even though we think we look nothing alike.
I wanted to be clever. I didn't work harder but I found some things easier to understand. Like maths.
I wished for a boyfriend. Well, I wanted to date this one guy,and over a year later, he was my first kiss and boyfriend.
When I was depressed, I wished to be happy. Now I'm happily managing bipolar disorder, with fewer and shorter depressive episodes.
I wished to go to university (last minute). I picked stupid subjects for A-levels and basically failed, but one university still accepted me. And here I am.

These are what I remember right now, but if I want something bad enough, it does come true. That may be through luck or hard work, but I believe in wishes coming true.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Was A Boy

Not quite...

So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.

So yeah, I thought I was a boy when I was really young. I thought I would share this as I haven't thought about it until recently, and I'm currently trying to work out who I am. I know who I am right now, but I need to know who I used to be. If I can accept myself, I can love myself more. And that's all that matters.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Anime

Do I watch too much anime? Well..... Is there such a thing? ;3

Probably. This is procrastination at its best. And considering the amount of work I have to do, this list is a bit much. Since starting back at uni at the beginning of the month, I have watched:
Pandora Hearts
Yumikui Merry
Special A
Mayo Chiki
Kaichou wa Maid-sama!
Mirai Nikki
Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna
Loveless
11eyes

Yumekui Merry

Special A - Sakura

Spiral

Loveless

11eyes

And I tried watching:
Starry Sky
To Love-Ru
Moonphase
Maria Holic
MM!
Yuru Yuri

So um... Maybe I started these around Christmas actually, the list seems a bit long for two weeks... Make that almost two months. :) And these are what I actually remember, my laptop history doesn't seem to go back very far...

How do you procrastinate? Do you watch anime too?

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Catfish

It's not a fish that look like a cat....

I mean people that pretend to be others online. Seen the movie or TV series called Catfish with Niv? 

Basically, the internet is a really easy place to pretend to be someone else. And some people create friendships and more with catfish, without realising, obviously. I met this girl online once, and we've become great friends, but when we first met, she pretended to be a 19 y/o guy. She's 12... She told me within a couple of weeks, must have gotten confused as she spoke to me as herself and 'her older cousin' and her information got muddled up.

It's so easy, see what I mean? The internet is full of people who don't like themselves, or their lives, and so they create a new persona. As long as you don't intend to harm anyone, or love them, there shouldn't be a problem. But what if the other person falls for you? How do you come clean? And can a friendship be based on what is essentially a pack of lies?

Just think about it. And be careful on the interwebs.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Love vs Lust

The age old question, am I in love, or is this lust?

What is love?
Love is unconditional, it is a mutual caring and protectiveness over another person. It can not be easily broken, and there will always be 'something' there even if you don't see each other anymore.
The film Frozen depicted it really well with Anna's True Love being her sister. This is love. Think about family love.

What is lust?
Lust is that tingly feeling you get when you see someone. It's the flirting, the kissing and the sex. Lust is physical more than emotional. It's exciting and makes you feel amazing, but can sometimes be short lived. Think more about the beginning of a relationship.

These definitions are in my opinion, not factual. I'm not saying that love and lust are completely different, because they are usually found together in a relationship.

I am constantly questioning if I actually love someone or not. So I meet this person, feel all tingly inside, want to be with them all the time, have so much care and emotion for them, but realise later that it wasn't love. Or not the love that I thought it could be.

I love people so much, and I can say it freely to my friends, but as soon as I met a potential partner, my lips stay sealed. I really do love everyone, until they give me a reason not to. My emotions run strong, really strong and it takes me forever to figure them out, but when I do, you'll know for sure. But I don'y want to say that I love someone, if I actually lust over them.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Perspective

So I was sitting there in the bar and this guy comes up to me and he said "My life stinks" and I saw his gold credit card and I saw the way he was looking at people across the room and I looked at his face and you know, what a good looking face, and I just said, "Dude, your perspective on life sucks". ~ Mika, Blame it on the Girls.

Every situation can be perceived in different ways by different people. And Mika makes a very good point in the beginning of this song. No matter how much you have, you can see the down-side, yet you can always see the best in bad situations. Try and be grateful for what you do have, instead of wishing you have what you don't. 'My life sucks' and 'FML' (back in my day) are thrown around way too much. 

I went back to my old town today, and well, everyone looked so miserable. My mum was driving, and we burst into laughter creating lives for the sad people and laughing at them. We probably looked crazy together, but laughing is so good for you. Especially as I actually saw the sun for the first time in ages. 'I swear she was glaring at the man crossing the road. Nahh, actually she was glaring at me. She hates me laughing.' Just silly things like that. People seem to get more jealous(?) and sad when they see others enjoying life. But I don't care what they think, I was singing in the shops, laughing at everything, jumped up and down in excitement over some doughnuts (my town doesn't seem to stock them ANYWHERE at the moment) and just enjoying life. We laughed at my mum screaming 'Flood!' everytime she saw a large puddle in the road, as if the cars behind could hear her warning.

Basically, enjoy the little things, and happiness will follow. I know this sounds too easy to be true, but it works for me (most of the time ;3).

Unconditional love, 

Cazzie x

Beauty

I'm pretty sure I've posted this before but I can't find it.

Beauty is all around us, in nature, in design and in people. I'm not talking about physical beauty today though.

A person can be beautiful on the inside by the things he or she does and says. It can be their passion for a hobby. It can be the way they talk to people. Afterall, 'actions speak louder than words'. And 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Basically, someone out there will love your ideals, and find you beautiful. If someone can love you and go past your looks, you're on to a winner. Everyone is beautiful in different ways, and no amount of make-up will change true beauty. Just be yourself. <3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Boring Update ;3

So I finally took that exam on Wednesday (15th) and it went pretty well. Although I'm scared to look back at my notes incase I missed something and dread results day... This is what revision did to me :(

I've postposed my Christmas project from uni and finally took out some books from the library today, although I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do with them haha. It's based on Ansel Adams, thats all you need to know. If I like any of my images, I'll post them here. I have to 'carry him around with me' like a best friend. I mean, who carries their friends? :P I have two weeks left...

And I've been getting really bored with my hair lately, so I'm wearing my extensions more often. Admittedly I wear them with a hat too as I'm loving the combination. I need more hair dyes so I can change my look even more haha. (I use wash out hair dye, and at the moment I only have pink, but I found this shop that does them quite cheaply instead of having to order them online and pay delivery.)

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Contact Me

I love speaking to people all the time, and I get lonely at times. I can also try and give you some advice. So here are the best ways of getting in touch. I do try to reply, but I don't always use all of these methods all the time. Just try your luck ^.^

Skype: carinahasskype
Kik: carinaad
Twitter: carinaxx94 (I had to change it and privatize it for personal reasons)
E-mail (no guarantee): caz.a.d@hotmail.com

I also use various other ways, so just comment below or ask through one of the above. ^.^ Let's talk.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

G-D & T.O.P

So I might be having a little obsession over G-Dragon and T.O.P!

Their music and fashion, and G-D's face and voice. OMG, I'm practically falling in love. So husky and smooth at the same time. I don't know how to explain it. I just love his voice.

I read an old interview last night about how he treats girls, whether he's dating them or not. He's like the perfect guy, and doesn't think twice about being a gentleman, it's just him.

I spent the entirety of last week (with the exception of when I wasn't able to gt on YouTube) going through all of their videos together.

Can I hug him now? Just a hug? A little one...

If I could meet GD, I would either fangirl so much, or pretend not to care and explode with happiness on the inside. I mean, his perfectly chiseled cheekbones and straight nose. It's probably all make up but I don't care.

And he's so quirky. I love his fluffy black hat,it goes almost everywhere with him. Oh and most importantly, his English is amazing :D *dies from excitement*

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

I Miss Home

So Christmas season is upon us, and I am yet to go home and celebrate with my family even though university is over. I miss my bedroom so much, and the past couple of months have been too eventful, (I know I said I would post everything, but I haven't revealed the full story yet) but I wanted to share a couple of images of my room with you.

 I'm almost Japanese, haha. These are the kanji for 'star', 'water' and 'love'. I know the words seem an odd combination, but these are what I was taught at a japanese festival and my first ever attempt at writing kanji. The brush strokes may be a bit off, but if I keep practicing, I should get better. And I always have my japanese friend to help me :)

This is my name in katakana. It can be written two ways, and mine is supposed to have an extra symbol to show that the 'ri' part of my name is slightly longer, so Carina becomes 'カリーナ' and the 'i' is pronounced slightly longer than in my image. I just love how japanese is written, and so I have these in my bedroom to remind me of how happy east asians always are. They're always smiling, I don't think I've ever seen one sad.

This is all for now, I may show more snippets of my room later on (when I get bored).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Coming Out / Life Lessons #5 ?

I really admire gay/bisexual/lesbians that have come out to their parents. I know I would never have the courage. It's a really big deal, and I wish I was as brave as them.

Think about the biggest secret you have, knowing that the one person you want to tell, is completely opposed to it. Some people are really lucky, with parents that will still love you no matter what.

I'm bisexual, and most of my childhood friends don't know. My family certainly think I'm 100% straight. The truth is, I have always had crushes on girls. From as long as I remember. I have no problem telling people that don't really know me, because then it's not really a shock to them. After my recent break-up, I've been turned off from guys. From the two men I have slept with my whole life (there's actually three but the last one is not counted for these purposes), both have forced me to sleep with them in some way. That is technically rape. I believe that I'm becoming less straight, but I don't know what to do...

I don't want people to make the same mistakes as me, being forced into something because they haven't got the guts to say no, because no isn't in the other person's vocabulary.

I don't think I will ever tell my parents, my dad is a strict (black) Christian, and would probably murder me if he found out, and my mum is really old fashioned and doesn't agree with gay people in any way, but she will accept them in a way. She say's she just doesn't want to know about them :/ Either way, it doesn't look good if I tell them...

Life Lessons #3

Self Harming

Don't do it! I know what it's like to spiral into a pit of despair, the only release for your emotions being pain.

The empty feeling, being lonely even when surrounded by people. Unbearable sadness, the ache in your heart. Yeah, I've been there....

But from experience, cutting doesn't actually help. The pain? Yes. The blood, woozy feeling and scars? No.
Ok, I hate the sight and smell of blood, but that isn't the point.
In my down days, I would go to forum after forum for help, and the best piece of advice was: Keep a rubber band around your wrist, then instead of cutting, ping it. You still get the pain without the scars. Sorry I can't remember who said it, but it was probably on FizzyFamily.com.

Remember that no matter what you are going through, it CAN and WILL get better. Sometimes we do things that we regret, but that's life. And life matters.

Stay strong. <3

Life Lessons #1

I want to start a series of posts about advice I would give to others, based on events that have happened to me. These will be numbered in order, but I will have other posts scattered among these.

#1 Don't let anyone take advantage of you! Virginity.

You need to have complete respect for yourself, so that others will respect you too. Don't go giving up your virginity because "you should" due to your age or relationship status. Your body is beautiful, and only the right person should get to see it fully. Stand up for yourself, nobody should be able to tell you what to do (except your parents), you are your own person.

If you respect your body, then others will notice and also respect it. Don't sell yourself cheap, you are priceless, too expensive for money and should be bought with love. Not lust (which is easily confused), not money, not bribery, not even diamonds...etc. You get the picture.

If you're not 100% sure you want to have sex, then DON'T! You'll regret it later....

Be Positive

Everyone has their ups and downs, this is completely normal, but it bugs me when people are always down.

I know what its like to be depressed, and to know what it feels like being close to someone who is depressed. It's not nice knowing that someone is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it. I think I am or was bi-polar at some point in my life. For 3 years I knew when I had my up months, and my down ones which always followed shortly after. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

But it will be easier on everyone if we thought about the upside to the majority of life events. Obviously, there are times when being sad is completely acceptable and expected. Heres some examples:

• To get over a breakup, I think about all the things I found annoying or hated about the other person. It helped me get through a lot, but there were some relationships where I couldn't think of something until weeks later. Being single has its positives, as with everything in life. (I'll write some posts on single and coupled life.)

• When I feel down (as I've mentioned before), I now listen to happy music. I have a playlist for times like this too, like childhood music, upbeat songs and musicians that make me smile. I found that depressing and angry music make me feel better, but happy music did this so much quicker.

• If my family say or do something to make me upset, I shut myself in my room. But then I think about what life would be like without them. Who would have taught me to ride a bike? Could I manage living alone (yes) or without that person in my life? (no) How would I feel if they actually died? 

• If someone gets angry with you, just laugh. My foster sister attacked me once, and I proud that I didn't retaliate, but I laughed in her face. The way she clawed up her hands to scratch my face reminded me of an animal. The look in her eyes, the pure hatred and anger, I wasn't scared, so I laughed. Probably not the best idea I've ever had...

• When I got kicked out my house: at least I don't have to put up with him anymore. I didn't like the food anyway. I focused on the small things.

• No romantic relationships? I only need my friends because they're always there for me. :)

I never said this will be easy to do, and it takes practice, but you'll be a happier person. Watch the drama unfold around you, and think 'Was I really like that?' 'Gosh that's embarrassing!'

Just Having an Emotional Moment

I randomly started crying tonight and took to one of my favourite social sites to post this:


It's been over two years now and I still miss him. His smile, the way he would tease me, his face. Every little thing he did for me, its all in my heart. I know this may sound stupid, and we haven't been together for almost three years, but he's still in my heart, and he's still in my mind.

Your death shocked me, it shocked all of us. I fell into a deep pit of despair, I even tried to take my own life a couple of times, and I harmed myself. I know I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore, and you helped me. But after you died, I was helpless.

I've never felt the way I did about you, before or after you. And I know from the bottom of my broken heart, that I truly loved you. I still do Aaron. I thought I had managed to move on, but tonight I realise how wrong I was.

I will always love you.... R.I.P x