Photography is Bullsh*t

I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.

At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.

I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.

So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your  exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.

This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Have This Friend

Surprise!! On contrary belief to older siblings who rarely see me, I do have friends. But this isn't what the post is about.

I have this one friend in particular, and she always had medical problems. She would be in hospital frequently, I think she broke her foot four times. :O But she was in hospital a lot for other reasons too. Anyway, she was in her teenage years when she was told that she could never have a child, because it put too much of a risk on her life.
It's sad :'( I know.

But, when she was 17, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Well, beautiful people make beautiful babies, and some ugly parents also make miracles happen.

This isn't some miraculous story about a girl who defied doctors and lived happily ever after, but it's not a tragedy either.

She then went on to have baby number 2 shortly after.

After a breakdown in her relationship, and a new partner, along comes baby number three.... And then four...

So, after another failed relationship, she calls it quits. She gets an implant fitted, figures that her life is just going to be her and her children, and gets her life on track as a single mum and taking on work whenever she can.

In walks man number three. Now they've been together long enough for her to let him move in and he gets along great with the kids. But she also, somehow, manages to have baby number five. The implant didn't work. I'm not entirely sure if she had the implant before number four, but she certainly had it before number five.

I think the point of my story is to point out that she isn't a benefit leach, like so many other young mothers in England, and until the second child, she did plan to continue living with her parents. Her parents are also quite wealthy, so they could easily support her if they needed to. And she had tried working, fitting it around nursery, primary school, and relying on family to help look after the children so that she could work. But having so many young children is a huge responsibility. I admire her for that.

The oldest cannot be any older than ten years of age at the moment. I asked her if she had any regrets at all, a few years ago (just after number 4) and the only regret she has is having them too soon. She had her first child before legally being able to go to clubs, and it drains a lot of energy, time and money. She said that she should have waited at least a few years.

So, don't judge someone just because they have lots of children, look at what all of them are wearing. That's what I seem to have noticed more. the quality of the childrens clothes are higher and look better than those of benefit leeches. Does the parent have dirty/blackened or missing teeth? Note that it is the overall appearance and attitude of the family that will tell you about their social standing and if they're just having kids for the money.

And I will stop rambling on now.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

You know when...

...you have a really good day, and then someone does something small that ruins it completely?

Yeah, my mum (what a surprise) did just that. I had a perfectly good day going on, I got a call back from the job I really want this summer, and even though its a small thing, she kept looking at my laptop. I mean, if I wanted to show you what's on my screen, I would do.

Now, this is what makes her a hypocrite; she always told me off for being nosey as a child (I would ask lots of questions) but she went one step farther and looked round to my screen. Rude, or what?

Yes I know I have mother issues, I don't really like her as a person anymore, so I'll shut up now.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Homeless?

So I went  home on Tuesday to look for jobs and see my mum... I was in the house half an hour, before the arguing started. In fact, it started when I got in after a terrible previous couple of days, plus little sleep. I shouted quite a bit, and left saying that I won't be back for summer. I basically told my mum some truths that have been bugging me for a few years.

So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.

I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.

But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

This Is Strange..

I am finding less and less people attractive. Ok, that came out wrong.

What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.

G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.

Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.

I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.

I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

CHERRY BAKEWELLS!!!

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY?!

Oh, so I have this craving. To these:


And well, I can't have one. Not just because I haven't bought any in years, but because I'm allergic. Yes, that's right. Allergic to a craving. >.<

I have a nut allergy. Most specifically to hazelnuts, cashews and I forgot the other one, but over the years, it's gotten worse. The smell of peanuts sets off my allergies, and a couple of years ago, this delicious treat gave me a reaction.

Has this happened to any of you before? Do you have allergies and then one day, you want something that has this product in it?

Over the Christmas holidays (my stupidly long 2 months off uni holidays), I craved carrot cake. And well, most shop bought carrot cakes have walnuts in. And the ones without nuts, had currants. (I wanted PURE carrot cake. No hidden extras.) Walnuts aren't officially on my list, but I stay away from all nuts as I don't want the risk. (And I refused to renew my epipen...)

So yeah.. Let me know.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Catfish

It's not a fish that look like a cat....

I mean people that pretend to be others online. Seen the movie or TV series called Catfish with Niv? 

Basically, the internet is a really easy place to pretend to be someone else. And some people create friendships and more with catfish, without realising, obviously. I met this girl online once, and we've become great friends, but when we first met, she pretended to be a 19 y/o guy. She's 12... She told me within a couple of weeks, must have gotten confused as she spoke to me as herself and 'her older cousin' and her information got muddled up.

It's so easy, see what I mean? The internet is full of people who don't like themselves, or their lives, and so they create a new persona. As long as you don't intend to harm anyone, or love them, there shouldn't be a problem. But what if the other person falls for you? How do you come clean? And can a friendship be based on what is essentially a pack of lies?

Just think about it. And be careful on the interwebs.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Failed

For the first time in my life, I have failed at something that I sort of cared about. I'm usually pretty lucky as I get my own way a lot, but this shocked me.

So, I applied for extenuating circumstances on one piece of coursework last semester, and handed it in a week late due to the drama and fear of living in the previous flat last November. That led to me not doing any work at all. I was given false information throughout the process, and when my results came through last Wednesday, it turns out that I got a big fat ZERO. I've never had a zero in my life, and it had to happen in my second year of university.

I am now taking an extra subject this semester, with readings for another subject. This brings me up to almost double the amount of work I usually do, and now I have to resubmit my work in August.

But I've been told that it is possible to trail one module into my third year anyway, and that I shouldn't stress too much. Now I just want to know why my request was rejected. I'm not going to let this get me down, I will find out why it was rejected the first time round, if I need to put much effort in incase the work is capped at 40% and I will get the work done again.

This is how I think, when something puts me down, I just think 'Is there a way around this hurdle?' because everything happens for a reason, right? I feel that I am destined for greater things, and no matter what gets in my way, I will achieve it. My motivation may lack sometimes, but if something is meant to be, then I will get there.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Town Sucks

Sorry Crawley!!! (Not really sorry.)

To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.

"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."

I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.

Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.

Haha, my colourful wall and bedsheets ^.^

I didn't buy anything!

The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."

The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Happy New Year - Part 1

Ok, so I'm a little late.

So I went to Waterloo, London, to watch the fireworks this/last year with my foster sister. You know, the ones they show on TV from London. They were absolutely beautiful.

 Apologies, I wasn't really concentrating on taking focused pictures because I was watching the display more, so most of my images are useless.

 I was pretty close to the front ^.^ but that did mean that the tree on the other side of the barrier got in the way. I think there were only about 'five rows' of people in front of us.

 ^ This has got to be my favourite image out of all of them.

 It did start raining about ten minutes before the display started, so loads of people took their umbrellas out, only for me to have my view obstructed. Being typically British, it was also really windy so a load of umbrellas were tuned inside out or became broken by the end of the night.

  It was supposed to be a multi-sensory display, with strawberry mist, orange bubbles and banana flavoured confetti. Unfortunately, it was very rainy, windy and cold so they either; cancelled this part of the show, I didn't smell or taste anything due to the weather, or I left too early. I left at 00.15am. I got home (East London) at half past three!

To Borris Johnson (if you ever read this), thank you for a spectacular New Year's show, but please allow locals (my foster sister) to get home more easily when they only live ten minutes away, instead of sending us on an hour and five minutes detour.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Relieved

I finally got to move out today. Basically  I walked into the housing office and told them that they forgot to call me and arrange a meeting, so we had it right then and there. I was brought to tears again, accused to breaking into a room, and of cyberbullying.
I stormed off crying and shouting something along the lines of "You claim to provide a safe environment to live in yet I've been living in fear for the past month! [...] If you don't do something about this, I will drop out of uni altogether because this is too much stress! I have a deadline on Monday and due to the circumstances I am unable to complete my work in time."

I cried for a while, staring out at the water and City Airport, then called my personal tutor for some advice.
I went to my tutors office, and spoke, then he asked me to leave the room for a few minutes to talk to someone else that had entered.

I then recieved a call from housing, telling me some stuff about a room being available, in which I replied "I should hope so, you guys have driven me to thoughts of suicide, and quitting the one thing I actually want to do[...] Let me calm down first." I was still too angry, and encounters with that man always make me worse. (It really doesn't help that almost everyone I saw that day was male.)

I went to the office with my tutor, who was also trying to get me an extension on a piece of coursework, so that it is complete, even if it is not to the standard that I wanted it to be at. He checked that they were in fact giving me a room, and they gave me the keys to have a look at it. I asked my tutor to come with me as I was still feeling a bit off, and so he did. Getting into another flat made me feel so much better already, and so I accepted the offer and started moving things in, packing and cleaning my old room and then bringing it all over with the help of a couple of friends.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I noticed that I have turned back into my old self again, quite quickly. I have a spring in my step, I'm smiling already and made my first proper meal in about a month (from scratch, none of those jars and frozen rubbish).

I am truly grateful to everyone that has helped and supported me through this time, my family, friends, my personal tutor, and now I found out that the one 'impartial' person in my flat was actually on my side. Shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I hate this

The stress is just too much now. I know I haven't explained anything really on here, but I am seriously considering dropping out of uni, retaking the year or ending my life.

I swore, after Aaron's death just over 2 years ago, that I would never let myself get that depressed again. This past month and a bit has thrown me into a downward spiral of despair, I don't know what to do. I have cried more times each week since September, than I have in the past few years. I almost self-harmed again, I panic when I see 'resemblances' of her, walk the long way home just so I can't be seen from my flat and dread going home. I barely even eat in my flat anymore. I don't go in my kitchen if I know or think someone else is in there too.

My housing office will not let me move out, I have no time to catch up and get my work in on time, and I'm just panicking now. My deadline for this essay is four days, and I've barely started it... Obviously will be handed in either unfinished, at a rubbish standard or not at all.

It has gotten to the point where BOTH my parents are working TOGETHER the help me sort this. And if you have divorced parents, you know how rare this actually is.

So, I just collapsed on my bed and cried for the past 20 minutes, and I must say, despite having so many people backing me up, all I want is a hug and I feel like I have no one to contact at midnight... My family all live over an hour away by car, and longer by public transport, any friends that I may visit or come here will not be able to get back home and the two people I am close to (distance), I have been there too much and feel like I'm bugging them as they have the same deadlines as me and have gone through something similar but worse recently.

I will now leave this depressing post to be forever lost in cyber space.

University #6

I think I am now ready to explain what happened last week. (Sorry I haven't posted in a while.)

It all started from when we first moved in together. There's this one girl (I think I called her Mel in another post), and she kept leaving her washing up in the sink that we are all supposed to use. Mel also left her rubbish bin in the hallway, for up to three weeks in which Brian put it in the bin for her. BRIAN DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE, HE GOES TO A DIFFERENT UNI!
Oh, and have I mentioned that she often leaves her stuff in her bedroom long enough for it to grow mold? Then laughs and leaves it in the kitchen. I'M ALLERGIC TO MOLD :(

So, Mel went home for the weekend. She left the sink full of her stuff. She put a bin bag in the hallway three days before she left. Friday afternoon (she left that morning), we noticed all this and decided that enough was enough. She had told all of us that she loves cleaning, and that's the one thing she has NEVER done here.

Being sick of everything being left, and living in almost filth, we opened up two of her cupboards. One of them just had a plastic mixing bowl on the top shelf, so Brian put the small bin bag on the bottom shelf. I collected the bag from the hallway and put it on the kitchen floor. Shanay either handed Brian the bag or put it in the cupboard herself.
Let's clear some things up, Lizzy, James, Shanay, Brian and I were all in the kitchen at this point.
Brian then moved all of Mel's food to the top shelf of the other cupboard (amazing packing skills, I must say). Lizzy handed him the pots and pans, while James and I emptied them all. Brian continued to pack all of her stuff into this cupboard.
We all played our part.

Mel came home Sunday evening, found out what happened and used 'kik' to exclaim her outrage. Unfortunately, due to changing my phone (it was in for repair and my tablet no longer has these messages), I cannot prove anything, but the it was a group conversation and so someone will have these still.
Monday, Mel decided to have a meeting with everyone. I was out. Doing photography. I was recieving texts during a photoshoot telling me that Mel hates the fact that I wasn't home, and she's angry with us all.
Tuesday (I was at work all day), Mel moves out. I was home at 8pm-ish (that's early for me) and saw her finish emptying the fridge and freezer, with a shopping trolley. She didn't say a word to me.

Apparently, Shanay said that everything was Brian's fault, and that she had nothing to do with it. It took James and Lizzy a lot of effort to also clear Phil's name.

Now this story is long and I promise to finish it tomorrow. At least, very soon. Something happened Wednesday and so I shall leave that for another post.

Goodnight my lovelies ^.^ x

Oopsies

Right, so last night I was really annoyed with a couple of people in my flat, and I wrote a note to stick onto my cupboard. Basically setting some simple and easy to follow ground rules on keeping the kitchen nice. One was to not leave dishes in the sink for hours and hours on end (aimed at Mel and Phil), others were to do with the bins, putting away rubbish, etc. Just basic stuff really.

So no one really noticed until this evening, and Mel seemed to get really pissed off with me. She kept quizzing me on 'no smoking inside when it's really cold'. It's against our contract to smoke inside anyway, plus I get cold very quickly.

Also, it was more the way she behaved, throwing stuff into the sink really loudly. Clearing the whole table in a huff. Chucking out everything, probably to see if she would get a reaction out of us.

You see, I generally don't get along with girls. They irritate me, act all whiney all the time (I might be like this one though), lie about everything, wear loads of make up and barely any clothes. I'm a tomboy, all through school, most of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. Although my second two closest friends are girls, I'm no good at keeping in contact with them.

So I've just gone completely off the point, and I shall leave you there.

Night night my lovelies x

University #4

Life sucks. Welcome to the side of me that I hate..

I have no job, I found out that I only have £600 to spend until christmas because my rent is so expensive, and I need to live off that for 3 months :(

I was feeling ill, so asked someone to make me dinner, he then calls and says its really disrespectful because he has a girlfriend? I mean, can I not be your friend anymore, last I remember, YOU were OFFERING to make me dinner.
That made me feel guilty and now I'm in this damn pit, a dark, lifeless pit of despair.

Oh, someone has used my cheese in the past day, then put in on another persons shelf...
And someone (else?) has used my dish sponge to clean all the burnt stuff off of their pans. We have more sponges than people in this flat, use that! Worst thing is, I'm 98% sure of who did it, and she won't freaking admit it.

This is putting a downer on my day, and possibly on the weekend, and rest of the damn month. Just because I don't advertise that I'm bipolar, it doesn't mean that I'm sane and will take this with a pinch of salt like I usually do.

All of this combined is making me depressed. >.<


I'm gonna go cry now, bye. D':

Hypocrites / Pet Peeves

Don't you hate it when someone says 'I really like someone with.....' And then they date the opposite? I do that :/

My friend just posted on Twitter that he likes girls with an ass. His girlfriend is a stick...

So... 20 Things I hate about people... :

1. People that text/message you first then take forever to reply.
2. Having different personalities when they talk to different people (going from something to quiet is fine though), I mean being really girly with some friends, then acting like a tomboy/rebel with others.
3. Having bare feet, especially around me.
4. Ditching you to live alone but ending up living with other people. Just tell me the fricking truth. >.<
5. Smokers.
6. Druggies.
7. People with no self respect.
8. Assuming people's sexuality (yes we all do it, but explicitly mentioning it in a conversation like "as a girl, what do you look for in a guy?" [or girl]).
9. Music too loud when I want to sleep.
10. Being inconsiderate.
11. 'Fake' people.
12. PDA! (Public Displays of Affection.)
13. Hating someone before knowing them.
14. Hating on a stereotype (gays).
15. Rudeness.
16. Making up things about their past.
17. Criminals. 
18. Too much make-up.
19. Grammatically incorrect, all the time. (How did you get into university?)
20. Overly egotistic.