Retrospect

A year ago today was the most stressful and happiest day of my life. It was the day I honestly contemplated suicide because of the situation in university halls. I couldn't take it anymore.

It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.

Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.

A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Have This Friend

Surprise!! On contrary belief to older siblings who rarely see me, I do have friends. But this isn't what the post is about.

I have this one friend in particular, and she always had medical problems. She would be in hospital frequently, I think she broke her foot four times. :O But she was in hospital a lot for other reasons too. Anyway, she was in her teenage years when she was told that she could never have a child, because it put too much of a risk on her life.
It's sad :'( I know.

But, when she was 17, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Well, beautiful people make beautiful babies, and some ugly parents also make miracles happen.

This isn't some miraculous story about a girl who defied doctors and lived happily ever after, but it's not a tragedy either.

She then went on to have baby number 2 shortly after.

After a breakdown in her relationship, and a new partner, along comes baby number three.... And then four...

So, after another failed relationship, she calls it quits. She gets an implant fitted, figures that her life is just going to be her and her children, and gets her life on track as a single mum and taking on work whenever she can.

In walks man number three. Now they've been together long enough for her to let him move in and he gets along great with the kids. But she also, somehow, manages to have baby number five. The implant didn't work. I'm not entirely sure if she had the implant before number four, but she certainly had it before number five.

I think the point of my story is to point out that she isn't a benefit leach, like so many other young mothers in England, and until the second child, she did plan to continue living with her parents. Her parents are also quite wealthy, so they could easily support her if they needed to. And she had tried working, fitting it around nursery, primary school, and relying on family to help look after the children so that she could work. But having so many young children is a huge responsibility. I admire her for that.

The oldest cannot be any older than ten years of age at the moment. I asked her if she had any regrets at all, a few years ago (just after number 4) and the only regret she has is having them too soon. She had her first child before legally being able to go to clubs, and it drains a lot of energy, time and money. She said that she should have waited at least a few years.

So, don't judge someone just because they have lots of children, look at what all of them are wearing. That's what I seem to have noticed more. the quality of the childrens clothes are higher and look better than those of benefit leeches. Does the parent have dirty/blackened or missing teeth? Note that it is the overall appearance and attitude of the family that will tell you about their social standing and if they're just having kids for the money.

And I will stop rambling on now.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

SUMMERRRRRR

Exam's are over and it's summertime now.

Time to watch anime, find a job and look for a new place to live from September.

Oh, I'm re-watching Black Butler with my current flatmate, so a review will be up soon. There's so much I forgot about in the past, like Grell being 'human' in the beginning :o. I've watched it a couple of times in the past, but when it comes to good anime, there's no such thing as watching it too much. :P

I have three weeks left in my contract at my flat, so I need a job as soon as I leave this place. Expect new blogs for when I actually do something. Last year when I started this thing, I thought my life was so dramatic. Now it's practically normal... University has changed me :O I'm not going out to clubs and bars as often as I used to, but I'm not staying in doing nothing either. Just keeping busy with everyday things.

That's all for now.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Is Strange..

I am finding less and less people attractive. Ok, that came out wrong.

What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.

G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.

Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.

I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.

I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Tattoos

So, what are your views on body ink?

I personally love them, but there are a few things I would never get, such as:

• Names of partners
• Bands
• Fleeting phases
• Huge pieces.

Although I do have one tattoo (shh, don't tell my dad) which are the japanese characters for 'love' and 'luck'. I have been obsessed with japanese culture for a number of years now, and realised that as a child I preferred anime over cartoons (not that I realised at that age). My love for the japanese has only grown, and my tattoo is in a place that would not normally be seen by the way that I dress. On my ribs.

Earlier today, (instead of doing uni work) I decided to draw out my next tattoo. It's been nine or so months since my first one and I've had this idea for almost the same amount of time. Birds symbolise peace, usually, and this is my attempt at drawing a swallow. I might go to one of my friends that is good at art, and get them to draw or alter my design a little to make it look better. Swallows represent loyalty to a partner or family, the promise of coming back and unconditional love. I wanted one of the blue disney birds to copy and this was my best attempt.

I've planned everything for it, except if I want it in colour. I might just go for a little shading. I want to go back to the same parlour as my first one, unless my friends have any better places, but they have closed and moved to another building further away from me. I want it on my shoulder too, on the opposite side to my first one.

Everyone I have spoken to about it, likes it. But I just need to wait for some more funds first.

Any ideas, or comments on this?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Catfish

It's not a fish that look like a cat....

I mean people that pretend to be others online. Seen the movie or TV series called Catfish with Niv? 

Basically, the internet is a really easy place to pretend to be someone else. And some people create friendships and more with catfish, without realising, obviously. I met this girl online once, and we've become great friends, but when we first met, she pretended to be a 19 y/o guy. She's 12... She told me within a couple of weeks, must have gotten confused as she spoke to me as herself and 'her older cousin' and her information got muddled up.

It's so easy, see what I mean? The internet is full of people who don't like themselves, or their lives, and so they create a new persona. As long as you don't intend to harm anyone, or love them, there shouldn't be a problem. But what if the other person falls for you? How do you come clean? And can a friendship be based on what is essentially a pack of lies?

Just think about it. And be careful on the interwebs.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Religion vs Good People

I consider myself to be religious, yet not really religious.

I can't tell if he looks bored or judgmental? Probably neither.

I believe in God, was brought up in a Christian family and went to Catholic schools. However, I stopped going to church regularly from the age when I was allowed to stay home alone. Both my parents go to church each week, but to different denominations. My mum goes to the Salvation Army while my dad is a Pentecostal, speaking in tongues, gospel singing kind of guy.

I do not think that religious people are good. Maybe I've had a few too many run ins with religious people that I do not like. Both my parents have abused me at some point in my life, luckily not at the same time. The man who got me kicked out my house was supposedly extremely religious. Oh, and I've been called a 'bad Christian'.

I may not go to church, but I still believe. I pray for others, and sometimes for my pain to go away. I try not to be selfish, but there's only so much a human can do. I'm not perfect and I accept that. I give to charity when I can, but as a student, I am often in debt and asking my dad to help me out financially with the intention to pay him back.

I think that as long as you try to be a good person, you will go to Heaven. Religion aside. It's your intentions that count, not if you force others to believe a religion you pretend to believe in. Yes, God may be with you in every step of your life, but please, don't tell me there's someone watching over my shoulder all the time. That's just creepy.

There are too many people out there that go to church and think that's all they need to do. They do not give to charity, they do not consider others and are not nice people.
*I went to my dad's church once and they said "If you have any money with you, you must give it to the church. It's what God wants."* I mean, what if you just received a late birthday card and it had a little bit of money in it? You expect me to give you a gift that was intended for me? Heck no! They looked down on me when I emptied my pockets to prove I had no money with me at all. (Never make a ten year old feel poor for not carrying cash.)

I'm sorry, but in my eyes, forcing and pressurising others to come to your church and believe in God is not being religious. 'Love thy neighbour', surely as they are? Jesus didn't discriminate against the Jews for not following him, so why should we shun the non-believers?

We have so many religions, so why can't we accept that instead of implying 'Our religion is the only true religion'. No, the basic foundations are all the same. Three pillars that I forgot from Religious Studies; Charity being the only one I remember.

So can we all just try to be good people? Pretty please?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

J.Reyez

What can I really say?

He's Korean.

He's Canadian.

He's kinda cute.

I love his lyrics.

Rap/ Hip-hop is my all-time favourite genre.

I may have re-wrote the lyrics a little wrong as I did them from memory as soon as I got into class, and heard the song on my journey. Haha.

So I discovered J.Reyez years and years ago, when he did a parody of 'Like a G6' on Youtube (I believe it was something to do with a seagull?). Remember when that song came out? That's when I started listening to this guy. I don't know how, but he was already in my subscriptions so I started watching other videos.

This was long before my kpop obsession, as 3/4 years is fairly recent. I found him during my Canadian obsession. I've had a few obsessions over the years xD.

Anyway, I knew that he collaborated with Lydia Paek a lot in his albums, and she features in quite a lot of his videos too. Now, I didn't know she was with YG Entertainment until very late last year (as in, the last few days of December). And, best of all, she's even worked with G-Dragon a few times. <3

So jealous haha.

So J.Reyez raps about his life, and in a way he is a bit like Eminem. He does kpop covers in English, produces his own albums and songs, goes on tour and is quite successful now even if he isn't that famous to everyone. But he still has loads of fans.

I personally think he is quite inspirational as an artist and would love to meet him one day. Anyway, I've gone off topic, back on topic and probably make no sense right now, so this is goodbye.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Magic

What if magic was real? If it actually existed.

I believe it does. But not in the fairy tale kind of way. I believe that if you believe in something enough, it becomes true. Your imagination is not just your brain making things up, but a 'third eye' sort of thing looking into a parallel or alternative dimension.

We all possess magic, and 'magicians' are the ones who have managed to tap into their abilities and make a THING out of it. The world isn't as boring as it seems. I have noticed that if I wish for something enough, with all my heart, it becomes true. Small things, nothing drastic though. And it has only happened a few times.

I live in my own world, as you can tell. At age 5, I thought that I knocked over a basket in class with my powers. I wanted it to happen, and truly thought I had done it. It wasn't the wind because the door was closed and we were inside, and no one was near it to knock it over, and it wasn't on the edge of the table either. I saw it move and fall off. I thought it was me! I was so excited that I told my mum when I got home and said "I'm a witch!" :)

There are many types of modern 'magical' people out there; wiccans, magicians, fortune tellers, etc, and for obvious reasons I cannot tell you certain things, but I do enjoy reading this sort of fiction. Imagine if everything you reason was real, just not in our world? It's truly amazing what you can see if you just believe.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

G-D & T.O.P

So I might be having a little obsession over G-Dragon and T.O.P!

Their music and fashion, and G-D's face and voice. OMG, I'm practically falling in love. So husky and smooth at the same time. I don't know how to explain it. I just love his voice.

I read an old interview last night about how he treats girls, whether he's dating them or not. He's like the perfect guy, and doesn't think twice about being a gentleman, it's just him.

I spent the entirety of last week (with the exception of when I wasn't able to gt on YouTube) going through all of their videos together.

Can I hug him now? Just a hug? A little one...

If I could meet GD, I would either fangirl so much, or pretend not to care and explode with happiness on the inside. I mean, his perfectly chiseled cheekbones and straight nose. It's probably all make up but I don't care.

And he's so quirky. I love his fluffy black hat,it goes almost everywhere with him. Oh and most importantly, his English is amazing :D *dies from excitement*

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

R.I.P Mandela

Nelson Mandela was a truly inspirational person, he brought freedom and equality to South Africa.

I know that he did not live in my country.
I do not know if he even had any influence on my life.
I do know that so many people around the world have huge amounts of respect for him.
I may learn very little in history class, but I wish I had learned more about this man. Just his death being 'Breaking News' shows how much love everyone had for him. Unconditional love and respect for a person who they may not have ever met in their lives. And that is what makes a great person.

If people can love you, and support you even in prison, then you will be great. Use your time and choose your words carefully, be true to yourself and do not seek revenge on those who torture you. Forgive but never forget, as the past defines who you are.

Being reminded how kindhearted some people can be, and also reminded of what this man had gone through and never lost faith in people shows how everyone can be strong and good, no matter what happens in life.

Now go out and live your beautiful lives, because Nelson Mandela would want you to be the best you can be.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

(I might start signing off like this from now on)

University #5

Now for the story of about two weeks ago. As I have vaguely listed those that I live with, I'm going to use those names and assume you know who they are even though you really don't know these people.

Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.

One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.

When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.

For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.

I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.

*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*

University #1

I have a feeling that I'm going to do random blogs about my daily life at uni... Let's hope it goes better than my Life Lessons series. xD

Anyway, I moved in today, with a little help from two sisters, both parents, my old foster sister and her dad. A bit much, eh?

I've now met my flatmates, I think... They seem ok, there's the stereotypical nerd, a Filipino with the same name (xD), and three other girls. I might be able to get a photo of us all one day, or at least some of us...

I keep comparing us to my flat mates from last year, and well, I miss them so very muchly. But maybe that's because we bonded a little better, all these guys want to do is drink. I like drinking like the next person, but from as early as 8pm? Newbs xD

Oh, and the flat parties weren't as good as last year. Freshers is worse too, by the looks of it. At least I still have friends with houses, so that means better house parties ^.^

That is all for now my lovelies. Goodnight x

Life Lessons #2

Be proud of everything you have accomplished, no matter how small.

Riding a bike. Yes, some people didn't learn and it's an accomplishment. I took it for granted and was surprised when a friend was shocked that I could ride.

Exam results are something to be proud of, even if you didn't get what you wanted. When I was really young (primary school), I thought GCSEs were really hard and wanted to get all C's. When I was doing the exams, I was predicted all A*s, As and a B. I ended up with 2As, 6Bs, 2Cs, and a D. I didn't revise, so in a way I did well, but my friends did better than me. Hard work paid off for them. I actually revised for my A-levels and got D's :/ But I'm at university anyway xD. There's always a way round things if you have an ambition.

Learning another language. So I was talking to someone with English as their second language, and I would say they're better than half the people that live in Britain, but he didn't believe me and refused to say anything afterwards. The thing is, he was proud of how good he was at English until one stupid person commented that they didn't understand >.< .

Staying a virgin. The older you get, and closer to your 20's you are, the prouder I will be of you. I think I was too young at 16 and regret it (I've mentioned this somewhere before) so stay true to you, and don't let anyone take advantage. :)

Getting your first job, no matter how much you hate it. I loved my first job, but due to family problems and distance (travelling from London every weekend), I quit after 5 months. I'd love to go back there but there were no vacancies this summer, not even in the rest of the town. o.O

That's all for now, but I might think of more to add.

Life Lessons #1

I want to start a series of posts about advice I would give to others, based on events that have happened to me. These will be numbered in order, but I will have other posts scattered among these.

#1 Don't let anyone take advantage of you! Virginity.

You need to have complete respect for yourself, so that others will respect you too. Don't go giving up your virginity because "you should" due to your age or relationship status. Your body is beautiful, and only the right person should get to see it fully. Stand up for yourself, nobody should be able to tell you what to do (except your parents), you are your own person.

If you respect your body, then others will notice and also respect it. Don't sell yourself cheap, you are priceless, too expensive for money and should be bought with love. Not lust (which is easily confused), not money, not bribery, not even diamonds...etc. You get the picture.

If you're not 100% sure you want to have sex, then DON'T! You'll regret it later....

Be Positive

Everyone has their ups and downs, this is completely normal, but it bugs me when people are always down.

I know what its like to be depressed, and to know what it feels like being close to someone who is depressed. It's not nice knowing that someone is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it. I think I am or was bi-polar at some point in my life. For 3 years I knew when I had my up months, and my down ones which always followed shortly after. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

But it will be easier on everyone if we thought about the upside to the majority of life events. Obviously, there are times when being sad is completely acceptable and expected. Heres some examples:

• To get over a breakup, I think about all the things I found annoying or hated about the other person. It helped me get through a lot, but there were some relationships where I couldn't think of something until weeks later. Being single has its positives, as with everything in life. (I'll write some posts on single and coupled life.)

• When I feel down (as I've mentioned before), I now listen to happy music. I have a playlist for times like this too, like childhood music, upbeat songs and musicians that make me smile. I found that depressing and angry music make me feel better, but happy music did this so much quicker.

• If my family say or do something to make me upset, I shut myself in my room. But then I think about what life would be like without them. Who would have taught me to ride a bike? Could I manage living alone (yes) or without that person in my life? (no) How would I feel if they actually died? 

• If someone gets angry with you, just laugh. My foster sister attacked me once, and I proud that I didn't retaliate, but I laughed in her face. The way she clawed up her hands to scratch my face reminded me of an animal. The look in her eyes, the pure hatred and anger, I wasn't scared, so I laughed. Probably not the best idea I've ever had...

• When I got kicked out my house: at least I don't have to put up with him anymore. I didn't like the food anyway. I focused on the small things.

• No romantic relationships? I only need my friends because they're always there for me. :)

I never said this will be easy to do, and it takes practice, but you'll be a happier person. Watch the drama unfold around you, and think 'Was I really like that?' 'Gosh that's embarrassing!'

Mr. Simple

Stolen from my other blog :o !

First of all, as most people know, I’m really into Korean music, and no that does not just mean Gangnam Style! One of my favourite bands is Super Junior, which consists of 10-15 members at any time. This is due to compulsory military service, so some are away and it is rare to see them all together.

I really like this song and video, not just because it was the first song and video I saw of them, but because of the lyrics. The lyrics themselves are inspirational, letting the listener know that there is nothing wrong with them. The first verse even mentions moods and emotions going up and down all that time, and that it is perfectly normal. It reminds us that life isn’t necessarily easy, but it’s not bad either. We just need to make the most of it and remember that we are all perfect in our own ways.

The video is typical of ‘mainstream music’ where the background changes often, there is a perfectly choreographed dance and various outfit changes. The lighting appears very clinical in the way that the main area is brightly lit, but the individual backdrops are grey and quite bland. The lighting from the floor is unusual although it does minimize shadows. In fact, there are hardly any shadows, which gives the impression that most of it used a green screen.

Super Junior isn’t the only group to have positive messages hidden in them, a few other songs are:
Nu’est – Face
2NE1 – Ugly
EXO-K – Traffic Safety Song

Lyrics used:

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&ved=0CDwQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kpoplyrics.net%2Fsuper-junior-mr-simple-lyrics-romanized-english.html&ei=QMZeUY26C8XHPLbkgdgH&usg=AFQjCNGKry2omo0yHu0sK5j_-ECaKGUASw&sig2=gOU9-qXonbE7YtrUUA33-w&bvm=bv.44770516,d.ZWU

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CEcQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fimmortalsoul123.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F08%2F02%2Fmr-simple-album-songs-lyrics-english-translations%2F&ei=QMZeUY26C8XHPLbkgdgH&usg=AFQjCNHAC7WOETkOOp0ttxekDo2gA_dp3g&sig2=U1BWBLe2w0eWz-iJ4dkuvA&bvm=bv.44770516,d.ZWU


Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6TwzSGYycM

Respect

So, I have this foster sister, and let's call her Gemma. Now Gemma is a difficult girl. She's 15 years old, but with the mind and body of a child of no more than 10. Heck my youngest sister (who doesn't live with me) is 11 and is physically and mentally more mature.

As I sit here tonight, I realise (not for the first time) that she has no respect for my mum. My mum is a lovely person, but she is getting ill with something that causes immense amounts of pain and no cure. Gemma has no respect for everything my mum has done for her. Gemma's dad left her to look after his mum in London, and my mum took her in so that she didn't need to change to a third secondary school. The nan has since passed on and the dad has no obvious intention to move back and look after her again. Social services got involved at some point and moved her to three or four foster parents, each lasting not much longer than a month, before bringing her back here. Long story short, my mum has looked after her for almost two years (with interruptions) and Gemma is a horrible child. We have changed everything about us to accommodate her, my mum has fallen out with friend's because of her behaviour, I've changed bedrooms three times, we now eat junk food (well I never did but it seems to be the only thing mum buys now because Gemma isn't healthy), I quit my job because I hated coming home to this place, and we even have to make sure someone is home all the time just in case she leaves school early (walks out during the day) or comes home randomly because we don't trust her with a key.

THE MAIN BIT.
If a person has the patience and love to take you in when no one else would or could, should you not show them some respect by behaving? Don't get me wrong, she's had a tough upbringing, but then so have a lot of us. She cries thinking that it's her fault everything is like it is (her dad says so, but he abused her so...), she screams, shouts, starts arguments for no reason, yet when I finish them, I get in trouble because I'm older, stronger and shouldn't lower myself to her level. I know I'm not perfect but I know that I've never been as bad as her.
Let's put this in perspective. This girl doesn't listen and is constantly trying to make us feel bad, to make her feel better. I came back from uni in mid-June and I have considered leaving home three times since then. THAT'S ABOUT ONCE EVERY ONE OR TWO WEEKS! I just have no where to go myself. I because depressed again after being fine for the duration of being at uni. I get stressed and really short tempered.

Now there's a meeting this week to see if she stays or goes (and if I get my dress replaced that she bleached and cut up). Fingers crossed that she goes... Or is better behaved, I don't mind either.