Photography is Bullsh*t

I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.

At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.

I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.

So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your  exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.

This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

There's a Mouse in the House!

I know what I saw.
I don't know what I saw.

It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.

I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.

I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.


I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.

Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x

I don't know why I do this to myself.

Yeah, the title is a bit long..

Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...

This is what I want to make. Different cover of course.

The death of Aaron used to bring tears all the time, and two and a half years later, I thought I could think of him without crying. Until this project. For the purposes of making the book personal, I am having to dig up all the old things I wrote around the time of his death and it brings up the emotions with it.

I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people  are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.

There was really no point for this post, right? :/

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

BusyBusyBusy

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting as much as I usually do, but I've been really busy. So busy that I haven't even managed to search for a job...

So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight.  I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.

I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.

I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)

Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.

Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).

I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.


Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(

Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x

Harsh Reality

In life, we can all choose what we believe in. Either accept the lies, live in ignorance and be happy, or choose the truth.

I try both. I like to pretend to all those around me, that I believe what I'm told, be naiive, and trust people. But I don't. I know the truth, at least, most of it...

I know that I come across happy to people I know and meet, but my reality is far from similar. Someone made me realise how hard my life actually is, without realising it. "I'm so sad ... My dad lied to me ... He said he would visit last week and didn't arrive" I mean, pur-lease. That was it?! She got depressed over that?

I had a little tantrum, letting her know how easy she had it... How she was lucky to have pet names as a child, to get hugs before bed, nighttime stories. My mum claims to have done this, but I can't remember a thing like that. I remember being told "If you don't like it here, move in with your father" from a young age. My dad is leaving the continent by the end of the year, my youngest half-sister has turned into a spoilt brat, my older siblings barely saw me grossing up, I would get hit frequently, and I have never been academic enough in my dads eyes.

My life hasn't been the worst, but its definitely not the best either. I chose to try and be happy, not to let people put me down or push me around. I became stronger mentally, yeah things still get me down, and I may be bipolar, but I usually manage it. I became a brilliant actress in life, and I'm trying to be a success. I may not get to be famous, (fame was never a goal anyway) but I know I will make it. I have so much determination that its unreal. I refuse to give up, to go backwards.

That is all for now.

Life Lessons #2

Be proud of everything you have accomplished, no matter how small.

Riding a bike. Yes, some people didn't learn and it's an accomplishment. I took it for granted and was surprised when a friend was shocked that I could ride.

Exam results are something to be proud of, even if you didn't get what you wanted. When I was really young (primary school), I thought GCSEs were really hard and wanted to get all C's. When I was doing the exams, I was predicted all A*s, As and a B. I ended up with 2As, 6Bs, 2Cs, and a D. I didn't revise, so in a way I did well, but my friends did better than me. Hard work paid off for them. I actually revised for my A-levels and got D's :/ But I'm at university anyway xD. There's always a way round things if you have an ambition.

Learning another language. So I was talking to someone with English as their second language, and I would say they're better than half the people that live in Britain, but he didn't believe me and refused to say anything afterwards. The thing is, he was proud of how good he was at English until one stupid person commented that they didn't understand >.< .

Staying a virgin. The older you get, and closer to your 20's you are, the prouder I will be of you. I think I was too young at 16 and regret it (I've mentioned this somewhere before) so stay true to you, and don't let anyone take advantage. :)

Getting your first job, no matter how much you hate it. I loved my first job, but due to family problems and distance (travelling from London every weekend), I quit after 5 months. I'd love to go back there but there were no vacancies this summer, not even in the rest of the town. o.O

That's all for now, but I might think of more to add.

Wishful Thinking

I have spent most of my childhood, thinking of my ideal boyfriend/husband, like many girls do. Due to what had happened all around me, I also felt unworthy and ugly.

One or two years ago, I made an awful discovery. No my parents hadn't cheated, or that I have a secret long lost sister (sure, another one really wouldn't make much difference), or that I'm adopted. But because of the age I was when my parents split up and divorced, it has a NEGATIVE IMPACT on ALL MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS! It has been psychologically proven, and so I realised that I have no hope with having a proper family or a 'long term partner'.

Sure this hasn't stopped me dreaming of my perfect man, or the 'father of any future children', but it does mean that I no longer fully fall for another person. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, deep, deep down and rarely admit it. But I fall quickly and deeply, and never really get over the first person when I fall for another. I know it's bad, but it's just how my brain has been wired. Out there, somewhere, is the man of my dreams. the man that keeps popping up in the most random of places yet I'm sure we haven't met yet.

Small World

I have a lot of random thoughts pop into my head at various times, and this hot and sticky night is one of those times.

I remember back in primary school, year 3 or 4 I think, and I used to get bullied. I never told my family, or my friends as it would happen when I was alone, and it was a couple of 'groups' that did it. One couple were girls in year six, about 2 or 3 years above me, and they would taunt me often. Eventually I confessed this to my mum's friend's daughter, (lets call her L) and it turned out that she used to be best friends with one of them. I still remember their names now, S and C shall be all I will reveal. S was a friend of L, who went to my school but later transferred because it was 'not good enough for her family' (they're snobs now). I begged L to do something, but it did not cease until S and C went to secondary school... luckily that was only about a year or two.

Unfortunately for me, the year after they left, I got bullied by another two girls, two years below me. They would sing songs about me being too skinny, calling me a twig or sticks. I took matters into my own hands and started eating a lot more. Again I never told anyone, and this is my first confession. They stopped the teasing for a while, and then it started up again by calling me a fat whale. I looked like on of those starving African children with stick arms, and a massive belly. I just ate and ate, but didn't care what.

When I finally finished that school, I found that I no longer had the same friends and my self esteem went all the way down. I became reserved and extremely shy. Almost like a different person. I was always a bit on the quiet side, but I now realise that I had changed. I was told by some 'friends' that I should stop complaining about my life because it was too depressing. I grew a tougher skin and never showed my emotions. I didn't know how to fit in and I was often alone in class.

I never really manage to keep friends for very long, but I have a few that I can stay close to... well, make that two. No matter how long we go without speaking because of uni, we can still talk about anything and be who we are. I'm glad I have these two to keep me strong through all the emotional heartbreak (more stories to come), the depression and self harm, through exams, stress, domestic violence and being homeless (for about an hour xD).

My story isn't normal, no one's is. This isn't to share with the world, but a personal reminder of what I have gone through and to know that I am stronger than people realise. I am who I am because of what has happened to me.

Stay strong everyone, and if you're being bullied, tell someone. I know I didn't and was always afraid that it would get worse if I did, but I wish I had more help back then. :)

So, this one time at Band Camp...

I remember when I was really little, it was around the time my little sister was being born. I must have been younger than three and it's one of my earliest memories.

I was at the hospital, either wandering around, on my way to see my mum, or a nurse had told me to follow her. Either way my 'vision' starts with me looking up at a nurse while she hands me a little reindeer. She says something about one being for me and another for my sister. I then run off really happy carrying two little soft toys.

That's it. That's all I remember. I think about this every year on my sister's birthday, which is not long before Christmas.