Life Lessons #6

CONFRONTATION

Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.

As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.

The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.

The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.

I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.

Wishful Thinking

I have spent most of my childhood, thinking of my ideal boyfriend/husband, like many girls do. Due to what had happened all around me, I also felt unworthy and ugly.

One or two years ago, I made an awful discovery. No my parents hadn't cheated, or that I have a secret long lost sister (sure, another one really wouldn't make much difference), or that I'm adopted. But because of the age I was when my parents split up and divorced, it has a NEGATIVE IMPACT on ALL MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS! It has been psychologically proven, and so I realised that I have no hope with having a proper family or a 'long term partner'.

Sure this hasn't stopped me dreaming of my perfect man, or the 'father of any future children', but it does mean that I no longer fully fall for another person. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, deep, deep down and rarely admit it. But I fall quickly and deeply, and never really get over the first person when I fall for another. I know it's bad, but it's just how my brain has been wired. Out there, somewhere, is the man of my dreams. the man that keeps popping up in the most random of places yet I'm sure we haven't met yet.

Small World

I have a lot of random thoughts pop into my head at various times, and this hot and sticky night is one of those times.

I remember back in primary school, year 3 or 4 I think, and I used to get bullied. I never told my family, or my friends as it would happen when I was alone, and it was a couple of 'groups' that did it. One couple were girls in year six, about 2 or 3 years above me, and they would taunt me often. Eventually I confessed this to my mum's friend's daughter, (lets call her L) and it turned out that she used to be best friends with one of them. I still remember their names now, S and C shall be all I will reveal. S was a friend of L, who went to my school but later transferred because it was 'not good enough for her family' (they're snobs now). I begged L to do something, but it did not cease until S and C went to secondary school... luckily that was only about a year or two.

Unfortunately for me, the year after they left, I got bullied by another two girls, two years below me. They would sing songs about me being too skinny, calling me a twig or sticks. I took matters into my own hands and started eating a lot more. Again I never told anyone, and this is my first confession. They stopped the teasing for a while, and then it started up again by calling me a fat whale. I looked like on of those starving African children with stick arms, and a massive belly. I just ate and ate, but didn't care what.

When I finally finished that school, I found that I no longer had the same friends and my self esteem went all the way down. I became reserved and extremely shy. Almost like a different person. I was always a bit on the quiet side, but I now realise that I had changed. I was told by some 'friends' that I should stop complaining about my life because it was too depressing. I grew a tougher skin and never showed my emotions. I didn't know how to fit in and I was often alone in class.

I never really manage to keep friends for very long, but I have a few that I can stay close to... well, make that two. No matter how long we go without speaking because of uni, we can still talk about anything and be who we are. I'm glad I have these two to keep me strong through all the emotional heartbreak (more stories to come), the depression and self harm, through exams, stress, domestic violence and being homeless (for about an hour xD).

My story isn't normal, no one's is. This isn't to share with the world, but a personal reminder of what I have gone through and to know that I am stronger than people realise. I am who I am because of what has happened to me.

Stay strong everyone, and if you're being bullied, tell someone. I know I didn't and was always afraid that it would get worse if I did, but I wish I had more help back then. :)

Titanic, Flatmates and Chocolate.

As I sit here eating my giant Matchmakers cookie, I think over the events of the past few days. This was my first day off after the previous five being super busy. The Trafalgar Square incident involving Margaret Thatcher's haters intrigued me. It was scary and fun all at the same time. I have a short video about it on my other blog 'Discourse'. The huge crowds were amazing and I got to pretend that I was a photo-journalist. My friend works for some kind video production for news channels and he was looking out for me :).

Everyone knows the film 'Titanic', right? My flatmate Mike was talking about it so I asked; 'If you were in that situation, do you think you would get on a boat or save everyone else?' And Mike being super religious said he would be a martyr and save everyone else. Bull****!! So asked in various other ways and explained that most people, in a life or death situation, would automatically save himself and then regret it later. Then he said "But I'm religious so you wouldn't understand." Why the f*** do you think I wear a cross round my neck then?!
This isn't the first time he has annoyed me, and each time my temper gets shorter and shorter so I threw my lunch in the sink (thinking I had broken my bowl and plate) and went to my room. Within minutes, I was crying in my bed and calling my mum. My mum giving the best advice ever, told me to go and get some chocolate, ice cream and anything else to cheer me up. So I called my boyfriend and I spent about £20 on sweets, cookies, ice cream, doughnuts and chocolate. I ate it all.

Same question to all of you sad people who decide to read this post :P