Introducing: Project Happy UK

As a follow up from my previous post, I want to share with you the first video we produced as part of Project Happy.

We currently have a blog set up, with tips on getting through uni, and dealing with stress, among many future topics we will cover in relation to mental wellbeing. You can find it at www.projecthappyuk.wordpress.com  where Sarah and Katharine post weekly on Sundays. (I used real names for once).
We also have a twitter and instagram set up, both with the usernames @projecthappyuk.
Please follow and support us, if you have any suggestions, we will be sure to look into them and see what we can do. You can email us at: projecthappyuk@gmail.com

Thank you as always.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Retrospect

A year ago today was the most stressful and happiest day of my life. It was the day I honestly contemplated suicide because of the situation in university halls. I couldn't take it anymore.

It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.

Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.

A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Apologies

So I haven't posted in almost a month, and I'm wondering what I have done in that time.

I didn't get that job I wanted, but I'm not down about it. It just wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, so hopefully I will get one in London when I eventually find somewhere to live and move back.

Family trip to Arundel. So many arguments, not even worth remembering.

I started some more anime series, so I will review them when I finish with each one. They're being aired weekly so you will have to wait for them.

Many trips to London to see my friend. Involves lots of gaming and cuddles :)

BRIGHTON!!! Just for the evening with some friends...

Junk food. My mum doesn't eat as healthily as I do because food tastes crap around here, so now I'm gaining weight...

eBay, where would I be without you? I just bought some shoes for about £10, and the RRP was £75. I'm so happy with that. :3

So I've basically done nothing for a month and this is why I haven't posted. Summer is stupidly long when you get to university, so make sure you have events lined up. One of my friend's went to (oh I forgot the name of the country), to volunteer and medically help children. It's a third world country, but she finds paid work really easy and could afford to do it. I didn't quite have £600 plus spending money, and then sacrifice my electronics.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

You know when...

...you have a really good day, and then someone does something small that ruins it completely?

Yeah, my mum (what a surprise) did just that. I had a perfectly good day going on, I got a call back from the job I really want this summer, and even though its a small thing, she kept looking at my laptop. I mean, if I wanted to show you what's on my screen, I would do.

Now, this is what makes her a hypocrite; she always told me off for being nosey as a child (I would ask lots of questions) but she went one step farther and looked round to my screen. Rude, or what?

Yes I know I have mother issues, I don't really like her as a person anymore, so I'll shut up now.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Homeless?

So I went  home on Tuesday to look for jobs and see my mum... I was in the house half an hour, before the arguing started. In fact, it started when I got in after a terrible previous couple of days, plus little sleep. I shouted quite a bit, and left saying that I won't be back for summer. I basically told my mum some truths that have been bugging me for a few years.

So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.

I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.

But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

SUMMERRRRRR

Exam's are over and it's summertime now.

Time to watch anime, find a job and look for a new place to live from September.

Oh, I'm re-watching Black Butler with my current flatmate, so a review will be up soon. There's so much I forgot about in the past, like Grell being 'human' in the beginning :o. I've watched it a couple of times in the past, but when it comes to good anime, there's no such thing as watching it too much. :P

I have three weeks left in my contract at my flat, so I need a job as soon as I leave this place. Expect new blogs for when I actually do something. Last year when I started this thing, I thought my life was so dramatic. Now it's practically normal... University has changed me :O I'm not going out to clubs and bars as often as I used to, but I'm not staying in doing nothing either. Just keeping busy with everyday things.

That's all for now.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Exams and Deadlines

Coursework

I'm terrible. I have so much work to do now that I haven't even had time to watch anime, review it or generally blog. It's the time of the year where I'm extremely busy but not doing anything interesting.

Coursework rubbish.

I will keep you updated when I'm free again. I have a final exam on the 20th but after that I'm free so I should be able to write more.

Haii, I got bored :P

I love you all for reading this, truly.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

He Left

My Dad has left.

I know I haven't lived with him in ages, and he separated from my mum when I was two, but this time he's gone for good. I got a call Sunday morning from him to explain that he was about to board a plane to Ghana. A one way ticket...

My dad is throwing away the past 20-odd years, 3 girls, 2 ex-wives and a minimum of 2 houses. (I always thought he had more because he had 5 at one point.) My youngest sister is 12!! I'm not through with university, and with my funding cut next year, I don't know how I will cope without his financial support. Then there's the fact that when I'm with my mum over summer, I can't just walk round to visit him. I can't call his phone whenever I need him.

My dad didn't just leave home. He didn't just leave town. He didn't just leave the country either. He changed freaking continents... >.< Maybe I should add him back on facebook?

Annyway,
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

Too Small To Model, Yet Taller Than My Friends

Just what the title says.

I was working on Saturday and someone came up to me asking if I model. When I said 'No', he asked if I had ever modelled. My positive reply led to a disagreement over how I should/shouldn't consider myself a model. Apparently I have the face a figure for it. One little problem, I'm not very tall.

When I was measured at the doctors, I was said to be 5'4. I always thought I was an inch or two taller than that, but this is still short in terms of modelling. Most agencies require you to be 5'8 without shoes.

Also, like most girls around the Western world, I do not consider myself to be thin. I know that I am not fat as UK size 10 clothes are a little big on me now (need to do some major shopping), but I find my abs are getting strong enough to fade the hourglass figure I was once so proud of.

'Baggy' skinny jeans... Friend's house.

I know, I know, I have big hair. Now, when I see myself, I don't see what everyone else sees.
Models are 1) incredibly tall, and 2) incredibly thin. I love my food. I'm even eating as I type this. I eat quite healthily but every so often,, I binge on junk food... If I work out, I make sure to eat even more. Imagine me, trying to be one to them.. no thank you. I'M HAPPY BEING AVERAGE (for once).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I don't know why I do this to myself.

Yeah, the title is a bit long..

Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...

This is what I want to make. Different cover of course.

The death of Aaron used to bring tears all the time, and two and a half years later, I thought I could think of him without crying. Until this project. For the purposes of making the book personal, I am having to dig up all the old things I wrote around the time of his death and it brings up the emotions with it.

I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people  are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.

There was really no point for this post, right? :/

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Annoying

Ok, so I had to tell someone and explain to them that I am bisexual, yet mostly lesbian. He's a guy. Then his first question was "Do you find me attractive?" I'm sorry, but if I tell you that I'm a lesbian, what makes you think I'll find you attractive?

No lie. This was today.

I always find it really awkward to answer. I mean, are you stupid and will I actually hurt your feelings?
Anyway, some people are easier to tell, and they know. But the ones I'm closest to and don't suspect a thing, the ones where I think they will judge me and where I actually care what they think, they don't know.

Emily and Maya in PLL.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Wishful Thinking

Have you ever wanted anything for ages?
A wish that you truly wanted to come true?
Did it come true?

Mine do.

I have made a few wishes in the past, and the ones that I truly wanted with all my heart (at the time) have come true.
Firstly, I wanted to be magic. And at one point I thought I was. Ok, so this may not have come true.
I wanted a twin, someone who looked exactly like me. So I have my sister, and people get us confused all the time even though we think we look nothing alike.
I wanted to be clever. I didn't work harder but I found some things easier to understand. Like maths.
I wished for a boyfriend. Well, I wanted to date this one guy,and over a year later, he was my first kiss and boyfriend.
When I was depressed, I wished to be happy. Now I'm happily managing bipolar disorder, with fewer and shorter depressive episodes.
I wished to go to university (last minute). I picked stupid subjects for A-levels and basically failed, but one university still accepted me. And here I am.

These are what I remember right now, but if I want something bad enough, it does come true. That may be through luck or hard work, but I believe in wishes coming true.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Tattoos

So, what are your views on body ink?

I personally love them, but there are a few things I would never get, such as:

• Names of partners
• Bands
• Fleeting phases
• Huge pieces.

Although I do have one tattoo (shh, don't tell my dad) which are the japanese characters for 'love' and 'luck'. I have been obsessed with japanese culture for a number of years now, and realised that as a child I preferred anime over cartoons (not that I realised at that age). My love for the japanese has only grown, and my tattoo is in a place that would not normally be seen by the way that I dress. On my ribs.

Earlier today, (instead of doing uni work) I decided to draw out my next tattoo. It's been nine or so months since my first one and I've had this idea for almost the same amount of time. Birds symbolise peace, usually, and this is my attempt at drawing a swallow. I might go to one of my friends that is good at art, and get them to draw or alter my design a little to make it look better. Swallows represent loyalty to a partner or family, the promise of coming back and unconditional love. I wanted one of the blue disney birds to copy and this was my best attempt.

I've planned everything for it, except if I want it in colour. I might just go for a little shading. I want to go back to the same parlour as my first one, unless my friends have any better places, but they have closed and moved to another building further away from me. I want it on my shoulder too, on the opposite side to my first one.

Everyone I have spoken to about it, likes it. But I just need to wait for some more funds first.

Any ideas, or comments on this?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Trust

Trust.
Faith.
Hope.

These are all things that we should have, but due to experiences, may become lost.

I am overly trusting, yet I don't trust anyone. This means that deep down in my heart, I find it really hard to truly trust anyone. At all. But I find it easy to trust people with simple, unimportant things. So I may appear to trust you, but I really don't.

I have faith in humanity. Well... I like to think that I do. Obviously I have times where I think we are going to stupidify ourselves to extinction, but I try to believe that people are actually nice. I have faith that things will turn out great in the end.

My hopes are similar to my faith. I hope for positive things in the world, for equality (turns out I'm a communist), and for general happiness. I hope for a lot of things, and some of my hopes/wishes come true.

What do you think? I love hearing your replies through Kik. ^.^ Carinaad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Anime

Do I watch too much anime? Well..... Is there such a thing? ;3

Probably. This is procrastination at its best. And considering the amount of work I have to do, this list is a bit much. Since starting back at uni at the beginning of the month, I have watched:
Pandora Hearts
Yumikui Merry
Special A
Mayo Chiki
Kaichou wa Maid-sama!
Mirai Nikki
Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna
Loveless
11eyes

Yumekui Merry

Special A - Sakura

Spiral

Loveless

11eyes

And I tried watching:
Starry Sky
To Love-Ru
Moonphase
Maria Holic
MM!
Yuru Yuri

So um... Maybe I started these around Christmas actually, the list seems a bit long for two weeks... Make that almost two months. :) And these are what I actually remember, my laptop history doesn't seem to go back very far...

How do you procrastinate? Do you watch anime too?

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Life Lessons #7

Plan your time wisely.

So I have this essay to write. It was given to me on Monday. It is now Sunday and I have only just realised it was there. I don't even understand the slides given to me, I don't own any of the essential reading books (seriously, who has £150 to spend on 6 books I may not understand?) and the podcast isn't much help either. NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMESTER.

I don't know anyone on my course yet (it's that odd module I picked up this semester, with a different year group of people) so I can't even ask for help.

The lesson here is to prepare yourself at university. I knew this but ignored it, and now look at me, I'm procrastinating by writing this post. As soon as you get a piece of work, read it and find out what you have to do. That way, you won't get any nasty surprises, and you know how much time to spend on it. If you then decide to leave it to that last minutes, not my problem. You had the time to seek help. Me? I should have checked all this on Monday or earlier in the week in order to seek help. To even have time to go to the library... Anyway, I'll live with the consequences and will remember for next week (where I need to write another essay in preparation).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Failed

For the first time in my life, I have failed at something that I sort of cared about. I'm usually pretty lucky as I get my own way a lot, but this shocked me.

So, I applied for extenuating circumstances on one piece of coursework last semester, and handed it in a week late due to the drama and fear of living in the previous flat last November. That led to me not doing any work at all. I was given false information throughout the process, and when my results came through last Wednesday, it turns out that I got a big fat ZERO. I've never had a zero in my life, and it had to happen in my second year of university.

I am now taking an extra subject this semester, with readings for another subject. This brings me up to almost double the amount of work I usually do, and now I have to resubmit my work in August.

But I've been told that it is possible to trail one module into my third year anyway, and that I shouldn't stress too much. Now I just want to know why my request was rejected. I'm not going to let this get me down, I will find out why it was rejected the first time round, if I need to put much effort in incase the work is capped at 40% and I will get the work done again.

This is how I think, when something puts me down, I just think 'Is there a way around this hurdle?' because everything happens for a reason, right? I feel that I am destined for greater things, and no matter what gets in my way, I will achieve it. My motivation may lack sometimes, but if something is meant to be, then I will get there.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Love vs Lust

The age old question, am I in love, or is this lust?

What is love?
Love is unconditional, it is a mutual caring and protectiveness over another person. It can not be easily broken, and there will always be 'something' there even if you don't see each other anymore.
The film Frozen depicted it really well with Anna's True Love being her sister. This is love. Think about family love.

What is lust?
Lust is that tingly feeling you get when you see someone. It's the flirting, the kissing and the sex. Lust is physical more than emotional. It's exciting and makes you feel amazing, but can sometimes be short lived. Think more about the beginning of a relationship.

These definitions are in my opinion, not factual. I'm not saying that love and lust are completely different, because they are usually found together in a relationship.

I am constantly questioning if I actually love someone or not. So I meet this person, feel all tingly inside, want to be with them all the time, have so much care and emotion for them, but realise later that it wasn't love. Or not the love that I thought it could be.

I love people so much, and I can say it freely to my friends, but as soon as I met a potential partner, my lips stay sealed. I really do love everyone, until they give me a reason not to. My emotions run strong, really strong and it takes me forever to figure them out, but when I do, you'll know for sure. But I don'y want to say that I love someone, if I actually lust over them.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Town Sucks

Sorry Crawley!!! (Not really sorry.)

To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.

"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."

I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.

Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.

Haha, my colourful wall and bedsheets ^.^

I didn't buy anything!

The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."

The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x