DRAMAtical Murder

I... I... How do I explain this?

Is the title relevant? Vaguely.
Was it good? God YES.

This anime follows the life of one particular character, Aoba Seragaki, a few years after a tragic accident. He lost his memories but still appears to continue his life as normal. He has a pet Allmate, Ren, who accompanies him everywhere, and a series of friends who seem to know more than they let on. Raised by his witty Gran, Aoba isn't as normal as everyone around him, but he doesn't realise that all his friends seem to have secret lives too.

If you can get past the strange names, ie, Clear, Noiz, Virus, then you should at least give this a try. I watched it with my sister and she got confused in the first few episodes but I found it pretty self-explanatory.

Ok, so this anime had so much potential and I really did love it. There's a bit of intrigue and mystery to keep you hooked. Unusual characters crop up and have great backstories (like, seriously? I don't think any of the main characters can be called normal). And this is what I loved. But the last 2 episodes crammed so much into them, the season should have been a bit longer. And the ending :O I hadn't played the game and reading the comments literally explained the last few minutes of the anime for me. Honestly, the last episode ruined it for me, but that shouldn't put you off watching it. It actually answers questions, unlike some seasons I have watched.

Best thing is, I've heard there is a second season coming out soon, so maybe that won't rush the ending. Anyway, it's taken me 3 days to attempt to write this and I really should get on with my university work (the last year is so intensive and I intend to keep on top of things even better than last year).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

He Left

My Dad has left.

I know I haven't lived with him in ages, and he separated from my mum when I was two, but this time he's gone for good. I got a call Sunday morning from him to explain that he was about to board a plane to Ghana. A one way ticket...

My dad is throwing away the past 20-odd years, 3 girls, 2 ex-wives and a minimum of 2 houses. (I always thought he had more because he had 5 at one point.) My youngest sister is 12!! I'm not through with university, and with my funding cut next year, I don't know how I will cope without his financial support. Then there's the fact that when I'm with my mum over summer, I can't just walk round to visit him. I can't call his phone whenever I need him.

My dad didn't just leave home. He didn't just leave town. He didn't just leave the country either. He changed freaking continents... >.< Maybe I should add him back on facebook?

Annyway,
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Was A Boy

Not quite...

So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.

So yeah, I thought I was a boy when I was really young. I thought I would share this as I haven't thought about it until recently, and I'm currently trying to work out who I am. I know who I am right now, but I need to know who I used to be. If I can accept myself, I can love myself more. And that's all that matters.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Beauty

I'm pretty sure I've posted this before but I can't find it.

Beauty is all around us, in nature, in design and in people. I'm not talking about physical beauty today though.

A person can be beautiful on the inside by the things he or she does and says. It can be their passion for a hobby. It can be the way they talk to people. Afterall, 'actions speak louder than words'. And 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Basically, someone out there will love your ideals, and find you beautiful. If someone can love you and go past your looks, you're on to a winner. Everyone is beautiful in different ways, and no amount of make-up will change true beauty. Just be yourself. <3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Contact Me

I love speaking to people all the time, and I get lonely at times. I can also try and give you some advice. So here are the best ways of getting in touch. I do try to reply, but I don't always use all of these methods all the time. Just try your luck ^.^

Skype: carinahasskype
Kik: carinaad
Twitter: carinaxx94 (I had to change it and privatize it for personal reasons)
E-mail (no guarantee): caz.a.d@hotmail.com

I also use various other ways, so just comment below or ask through one of the above. ^.^ Let's talk.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

R.I.P Mandela

Nelson Mandela was a truly inspirational person, he brought freedom and equality to South Africa.

I know that he did not live in my country.
I do not know if he even had any influence on my life.
I do know that so many people around the world have huge amounts of respect for him.
I may learn very little in history class, but I wish I had learned more about this man. Just his death being 'Breaking News' shows how much love everyone had for him. Unconditional love and respect for a person who they may not have ever met in their lives. And that is what makes a great person.

If people can love you, and support you even in prison, then you will be great. Use your time and choose your words carefully, be true to yourself and do not seek revenge on those who torture you. Forgive but never forget, as the past defines who you are.

Being reminded how kindhearted some people can be, and also reminded of what this man had gone through and never lost faith in people shows how everyone can be strong and good, no matter what happens in life.

Now go out and live your beautiful lives, because Nelson Mandela would want you to be the best you can be.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

(I might start signing off like this from now on)

BusyBusyBusy

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting as much as I usually do, but I've been really busy. So busy that I haven't even managed to search for a job...

So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight.  I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.

I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.

I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)

Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.

Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).

I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.


Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(

Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/

Harsh Reality

In life, we can all choose what we believe in. Either accept the lies, live in ignorance and be happy, or choose the truth.

I try both. I like to pretend to all those around me, that I believe what I'm told, be naiive, and trust people. But I don't. I know the truth, at least, most of it...

I know that I come across happy to people I know and meet, but my reality is far from similar. Someone made me realise how hard my life actually is, without realising it. "I'm so sad ... My dad lied to me ... He said he would visit last week and didn't arrive" I mean, pur-lease. That was it?! She got depressed over that?

I had a little tantrum, letting her know how easy she had it... How she was lucky to have pet names as a child, to get hugs before bed, nighttime stories. My mum claims to have done this, but I can't remember a thing like that. I remember being told "If you don't like it here, move in with your father" from a young age. My dad is leaving the continent by the end of the year, my youngest half-sister has turned into a spoilt brat, my older siblings barely saw me grossing up, I would get hit frequently, and I have never been academic enough in my dads eyes.

My life hasn't been the worst, but its definitely not the best either. I chose to try and be happy, not to let people put me down or push me around. I became stronger mentally, yeah things still get me down, and I may be bipolar, but I usually manage it. I became a brilliant actress in life, and I'm trying to be a success. I may not get to be famous, (fame was never a goal anyway) but I know I will make it. I have so much determination that its unreal. I refuse to give up, to go backwards.

That is all for now.

Life Lessons #3

Self Harming

Don't do it! I know what it's like to spiral into a pit of despair, the only release for your emotions being pain.

The empty feeling, being lonely even when surrounded by people. Unbearable sadness, the ache in your heart. Yeah, I've been there....

But from experience, cutting doesn't actually help. The pain? Yes. The blood, woozy feeling and scars? No.
Ok, I hate the sight and smell of blood, but that isn't the point.
In my down days, I would go to forum after forum for help, and the best piece of advice was: Keep a rubber band around your wrist, then instead of cutting, ping it. You still get the pain without the scars. Sorry I can't remember who said it, but it was probably on FizzyFamily.com.

Remember that no matter what you are going through, it CAN and WILL get better. Sometimes we do things that we regret, but that's life. And life matters.

Stay strong. <3

Flirting

"I don't know how to flirt!"

Well, that's what I say when I'm told to flirt. Told to flirt?! Well flirting is something that happens naturally, not something to force. I've been told that I'm a natural flirt, which honestly, isn't a good thing to me. I get all kinds of unwanted attention. Heck, I had to say I had a girlfriend to get a guy away from me in a club...

Anyway, my point is that some people are genuinely nice people, but their kindness is often mistaken for flirting. And for others, they try so hard to flirt that they actually turn people away.

A word of advice, be yourself. There's not point trying to impress someone if you look completely fake.

Well, I don't really have any advice, just my opinions... >.<

Mainstream Shizz

I want to start off by saying that I am in no way a hipster, no matter what my friends think.

I've just gotten so used to not being a part of the majority that following the crowd has become a turn off.. I always felt like an outsider as a child, first because I'm half African and half white British, and second, I never felt like I belonged. In my first school, no one was mixed race. They were either white, black or Asian. I wasn't 'one of them'.

My friends always seemed to have happy, perfect lives. Both parents working, siblings they got along with and all the toys they wanted. Me on the other hand, my parents divorced by the time I was four. My mum couldn't work because she wanted to be there for me and my sister, and with no family that really liked my mum, she had to struggle on her own. I would always argue with my sister, which led to arguments with my mum, most of them resulting with the line "Why don't you go and live with your father!". Because my mum wasn't working, she couldn't afford the toys my friends got, cable/satellite TV or nice stuff in general. So I wasn't like everyone else to start with.

Secondary school definitely pulled me apart. People would wonder why I didn't act more 'black', why I was quiet, why I was me. I was scared to come out of my shell and show what I really liked. I got into anime and manga but was criticized for it. There was this one girl who thought I was copying her and tried to make me hate myself. I might have mentioned her before, I actually hated going into school. The last year was actually my worst year. I loved Kpop music for the first time, but I was called strange and uncool.

I turned to my sister earlier and said that "Kpop is becoming too mainstream... I don't like it." 

University is like a whole other life for me. When I'm there, I am truly myself. I'm not scared of the judgement, the looks and stares. I re-invented myself, as the confident me. That worked for about a week. Now I'm halfway between that and how I was before. Sure some people aren't open to the fact that I like different things, but I don't care anymore. I am myself and I could never be happier.

I don't just listen to 'mainstream music', I listen to anything I like the tune or beat to. I like The Midnight Beast, The Lonely Island, and The Band Perry. This is where I don't follow suit; Simple Plan, Mika, Evanescence, Fun, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Lindsey Stirling, Big Bang, Nu'est, 2NE1, to name a few of my favourites. Yeah most of these are mainstream artists, but I don't check the Top 40 or anything, I just download the albums and any singles I like.

On the other hand, I also don't follow fashion. Like every girl, I update my wardrobe whenever I can, and buy what's in stores but my collection is quite small because I am so fussy. I get fed up quickly and my style is sometimes called; punky, quirky, cute, different, tomboy-ish, bright. It all depends on my mood.

IT'S ALL ABOUT BEING YOURSELF, AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN, WHO CARES WHAT THE WORLD THINKS! As long as you don't do anything illegal, or dangerous to others, it's all cool.

Be Yourself

I wouldn't really be able to describe this much better myself, and it really bugs me when people want to follow the crowds instead of being unique. I pride myself in not copying other people, I dress my own way, act my own way and choose to do things based on my morals and my personality.

"Gemma" is often telling me how she wants this 'Paul's Boutique' coat because everyone at her school has one, and she only wants certain branded clothes because of what others think. One, it makes things expensive and two, she looks like everyone else. At least if I try to find my actual sister in a crowd, I can based on her clothes or hair. If I look for Gemma, I look for the smallest black child around, not her sense of style or how she dresses.

I love Jenna Marbles, she's a great inspiration and makes some pretty funny videos like 'How to trick people into thinking you're good looking', and admittedly her older videos are the best ones. Jenna doesn't try to be someone else, and if you go past the fake tanned skin and blonde hair, you find that she isn't a bimbo, but an intelligent person with a great personality.

Just remember to:

• be creative
• be strong
• be courageous
• be ambitious
• and most importantly: be yourself

:)