Photography is Bullsh*t

I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.

At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.

I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.

So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your  exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.

This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Chromebook?

So, last week I bought myself a Chromebook. This is not going to be one of those reviews where I convince you to buy it now, but my own personal experience based on a few days.

Firstly, this was not bought to replace my laptop. In fact, I'm thinking of ditching it for a gaming or high powered desktop after university while staying faithful to an over 15 year relationship with Windows PCs.
I have switched from a 15.6" laptop to an 11" Chromebook to be used while on the go. That means that I find the keyboard a little small, but still workable. I would also say that the touchpad is delicate (it is way too easy to switch lines while typing by accident) and can be compared to a Macbook.

As this is my secondary 'laptop', I don't need it all the time. But dropping documents into Google Drive means that I must be connected to the internet for the files to save and simultaneously appear on both devices. Although it is great to simply connect before leaving home, then do all my work on the go without powering off and open them again when I get home to find the new versions. The battery life helps with this. With my wifi off, muted volume (I won't need sound if I'm listening to my phone on the train) and no bluetooth (seriously, who still uses that?), I have found that on 88% battery, I still have almost 12 hours left. Obviously, the more processes happening, the shorter the battery life. But that also means I won't need to charge it during the day if I make sure I have enough before leaving home. It also makes my bag lighter whilst walking around.

I have a HP version of this, bought on my university campus (they overcharge on everything and I paid £250 for it) and I have no problem with a lack of USB slots (2) and an SD card slot. I can even plug in a HDMI cable for presentations.

Lastly, as this has turned into an amateurs review, it's super cute in size. It fits snugly in my handbag, and I barely notice the weight gain.

I do like this Chromebook, but not as a primary device. It works great as something portable and light, without the pricetag of a Macbook. You also shouldn't expect too much from it, from what I can tell, it's basically a tablet with a keyboard (not detachable), a fast startup time (less than 10 seconds) and the processing power to do the things adults do most often, which is check emails, write documents and surf the internet. Depending on the brand and model, the RAM and memory will vary, but I'm sure that's nothing an external hard drive will fix. Maybe don't expect Photoshop too soon though.

Anyway, I'm travelling tomorrow so if I have anymore to add after a proper use, I'll add it at the end.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Introducing: Project Happy UK

As a follow up from my previous post, I want to share with you the first video we produced as part of Project Happy.

We currently have a blog set up, with tips on getting through uni, and dealing with stress, among many future topics we will cover in relation to mental wellbeing. You can find it at www.projecthappyuk.wordpress.com  where Sarah and Katharine post weekly on Sundays. (I used real names for once).
We also have a twitter and instagram set up, both with the usernames @projecthappyuk.
Please follow and support us, if you have any suggestions, we will be sure to look into them and see what we can do. You can email us at: projecthappyuk@gmail.com

Thank you as always.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Retrospect

A year ago today was the most stressful and happiest day of my life. It was the day I honestly contemplated suicide because of the situation in university halls. I couldn't take it anymore.

It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.

Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.

A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

There's a Mouse in the House!

I know what I saw.
I don't know what I saw.

It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.

I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.

I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.


I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.

Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x

I Have This Friend

Surprise!! On contrary belief to older siblings who rarely see me, I do have friends. But this isn't what the post is about.

I have this one friend in particular, and she always had medical problems. She would be in hospital frequently, I think she broke her foot four times. :O But she was in hospital a lot for other reasons too. Anyway, she was in her teenage years when she was told that she could never have a child, because it put too much of a risk on her life.
It's sad :'( I know.

But, when she was 17, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Well, beautiful people make beautiful babies, and some ugly parents also make miracles happen.

This isn't some miraculous story about a girl who defied doctors and lived happily ever after, but it's not a tragedy either.

She then went on to have baby number 2 shortly after.

After a breakdown in her relationship, and a new partner, along comes baby number three.... And then four...

So, after another failed relationship, she calls it quits. She gets an implant fitted, figures that her life is just going to be her and her children, and gets her life on track as a single mum and taking on work whenever she can.

In walks man number three. Now they've been together long enough for her to let him move in and he gets along great with the kids. But she also, somehow, manages to have baby number five. The implant didn't work. I'm not entirely sure if she had the implant before number four, but she certainly had it before number five.

I think the point of my story is to point out that she isn't a benefit leach, like so many other young mothers in England, and until the second child, she did plan to continue living with her parents. Her parents are also quite wealthy, so they could easily support her if they needed to. And she had tried working, fitting it around nursery, primary school, and relying on family to help look after the children so that she could work. But having so many young children is a huge responsibility. I admire her for that.

The oldest cannot be any older than ten years of age at the moment. I asked her if she had any regrets at all, a few years ago (just after number 4) and the only regret she has is having them too soon. She had her first child before legally being able to go to clubs, and it drains a lot of energy, time and money. She said that she should have waited at least a few years.

So, don't judge someone just because they have lots of children, look at what all of them are wearing. That's what I seem to have noticed more. the quality of the childrens clothes are higher and look better than those of benefit leeches. Does the parent have dirty/blackened or missing teeth? Note that it is the overall appearance and attitude of the family that will tell you about their social standing and if they're just having kids for the money.

And I will stop rambling on now.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Monochrome Factor

I actually watched this alone and over a longer period, but ah well.

This 24-episode anime series is full of deceit. In fact, the deceit is deceitful :O

So, there's this slacker, Akira, who must return to his school one night with classmates where they get attacked by shadow monsters. Up comes a (full of himself) stranger, who explains that the balance between light and dark is becoming unbalanced and so turns Akira into a 'Shin'. Shirogane (the stranger) then fights alongside Akira against the shadow monsters. Full of mystery, light shonen-ai themes and plenty of action, this is a definite recommendation.

Will you figure out where the lies begin and the truth ends? Let's wait and see.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

RIP Peaches Geldof

It's true, and I've just heard of it.

I remember watching a documentary on her a few years back and sort of admired Peaches. She was funny, had a career and didn't seem to care what people thought. She was herself.

I guess this just goes to show how short life can be, she left behind two beautiful young children and she will be missed. At just 25, her whole life was ahead of her...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I don't know why I do this to myself.

Yeah, the title is a bit long..

Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...

This is what I want to make. Different cover of course.

The death of Aaron used to bring tears all the time, and two and a half years later, I thought I could think of him without crying. Until this project. For the purposes of making the book personal, I am having to dig up all the old things I wrote around the time of his death and it brings up the emotions with it.

I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people  are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.

There was really no point for this post, right? :/

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Annoying

Ok, so I had to tell someone and explain to them that I am bisexual, yet mostly lesbian. He's a guy. Then his first question was "Do you find me attractive?" I'm sorry, but if I tell you that I'm a lesbian, what makes you think I'll find you attractive?

No lie. This was today.

I always find it really awkward to answer. I mean, are you stupid and will I actually hurt your feelings?
Anyway, some people are easier to tell, and they know. But the ones I'm closest to and don't suspect a thing, the ones where I think they will judge me and where I actually care what they think, they don't know.

Emily and Maya in PLL.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Wishful Thinking

Have you ever wanted anything for ages?
A wish that you truly wanted to come true?
Did it come true?

Mine do.

I have made a few wishes in the past, and the ones that I truly wanted with all my heart (at the time) have come true.
Firstly, I wanted to be magic. And at one point I thought I was. Ok, so this may not have come true.
I wanted a twin, someone who looked exactly like me. So I have my sister, and people get us confused all the time even though we think we look nothing alike.
I wanted to be clever. I didn't work harder but I found some things easier to understand. Like maths.
I wished for a boyfriend. Well, I wanted to date this one guy,and over a year later, he was my first kiss and boyfriend.
When I was depressed, I wished to be happy. Now I'm happily managing bipolar disorder, with fewer and shorter depressive episodes.
I wished to go to university (last minute). I picked stupid subjects for A-levels and basically failed, but one university still accepted me. And here I am.

These are what I remember right now, but if I want something bad enough, it does come true. That may be through luck or hard work, but I believe in wishes coming true.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Was A Boy

Not quite...

So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.

So yeah, I thought I was a boy when I was really young. I thought I would share this as I haven't thought about it until recently, and I'm currently trying to work out who I am. I know who I am right now, but I need to know who I used to be. If I can accept myself, I can love myself more. And that's all that matters.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Is Strange..

I am finding less and less people attractive. Ok, that came out wrong.

What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.

G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.

Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.

I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.

I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Tattoos

So, what are your views on body ink?

I personally love them, but there are a few things I would never get, such as:

• Names of partners
• Bands
• Fleeting phases
• Huge pieces.

Although I do have one tattoo (shh, don't tell my dad) which are the japanese characters for 'love' and 'luck'. I have been obsessed with japanese culture for a number of years now, and realised that as a child I preferred anime over cartoons (not that I realised at that age). My love for the japanese has only grown, and my tattoo is in a place that would not normally be seen by the way that I dress. On my ribs.

Earlier today, (instead of doing uni work) I decided to draw out my next tattoo. It's been nine or so months since my first one and I've had this idea for almost the same amount of time. Birds symbolise peace, usually, and this is my attempt at drawing a swallow. I might go to one of my friends that is good at art, and get them to draw or alter my design a little to make it look better. Swallows represent loyalty to a partner or family, the promise of coming back and unconditional love. I wanted one of the blue disney birds to copy and this was my best attempt.

I've planned everything for it, except if I want it in colour. I might just go for a little shading. I want to go back to the same parlour as my first one, unless my friends have any better places, but they have closed and moved to another building further away from me. I want it on my shoulder too, on the opposite side to my first one.

Everyone I have spoken to about it, likes it. But I just need to wait for some more funds first.

Any ideas, or comments on this?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Don't You Get It?

Just a little rant/story of today.

So I was in university (as usual) and this guy in my lecture spoke to me between that and our seminar, and we ended up buying a smoothie down the road. He paid for it and everything, but the longer I spoke to him, the more I thought he was into me..
We got back in the building and had ten minutes to spare, so we spoke some more. He was thrilled to find out about where my family come from, and his family is from a neighboring country. Then we somehow spoke about the 'guys' I'm into. I never outright said that I'm not currently into guys (and maybe I should have), but I did mention Korea and Japan a lot. Then he invited me out for dinner Thursday. Now, I'm used to just going out for dinner with friends casually, so I agreed.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows about my love for G Dragon.

We went to our respective rooms and I later saw him on my way back from lunch. The hugged me and went to (I assume) kiss my lips but I moved so he caught my cheek. He checked that I would text him later today (whoops, I forgot until I typed that), and we left at that as he was going home, and I had work to go through.

This gets me thinking. If I say I'm *only* into East Asian Guys (exclude girls for a second), and you're half Jew/ half African, then I'm not interested.

Also, is this now a date?!

I'm so clueless about these things..

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Trust

Trust.
Faith.
Hope.

These are all things that we should have, but due to experiences, may become lost.

I am overly trusting, yet I don't trust anyone. This means that deep down in my heart, I find it really hard to truly trust anyone. At all. But I find it easy to trust people with simple, unimportant things. So I may appear to trust you, but I really don't.

I have faith in humanity. Well... I like to think that I do. Obviously I have times where I think we are going to stupidify ourselves to extinction, but I try to believe that people are actually nice. I have faith that things will turn out great in the end.

My hopes are similar to my faith. I hope for positive things in the world, for equality (turns out I'm a communist), and for general happiness. I hope for a lot of things, and some of my hopes/wishes come true.

What do you think? I love hearing your replies through Kik. ^.^ Carinaad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Life Lessons #7

Plan your time wisely.

So I have this essay to write. It was given to me on Monday. It is now Sunday and I have only just realised it was there. I don't even understand the slides given to me, I don't own any of the essential reading books (seriously, who has £150 to spend on 6 books I may not understand?) and the podcast isn't much help either. NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMESTER.

I don't know anyone on my course yet (it's that odd module I picked up this semester, with a different year group of people) so I can't even ask for help.

The lesson here is to prepare yourself at university. I knew this but ignored it, and now look at me, I'm procrastinating by writing this post. As soon as you get a piece of work, read it and find out what you have to do. That way, you won't get any nasty surprises, and you know how much time to spend on it. If you then decide to leave it to that last minutes, not my problem. You had the time to seek help. Me? I should have checked all this on Monday or earlier in the week in order to seek help. To even have time to go to the library... Anyway, I'll live with the consequences and will remember for next week (where I need to write another essay in preparation).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Failed

For the first time in my life, I have failed at something that I sort of cared about. I'm usually pretty lucky as I get my own way a lot, but this shocked me.

So, I applied for extenuating circumstances on one piece of coursework last semester, and handed it in a week late due to the drama and fear of living in the previous flat last November. That led to me not doing any work at all. I was given false information throughout the process, and when my results came through last Wednesday, it turns out that I got a big fat ZERO. I've never had a zero in my life, and it had to happen in my second year of university.

I am now taking an extra subject this semester, with readings for another subject. This brings me up to almost double the amount of work I usually do, and now I have to resubmit my work in August.

But I've been told that it is possible to trail one module into my third year anyway, and that I shouldn't stress too much. Now I just want to know why my request was rejected. I'm not going to let this get me down, I will find out why it was rejected the first time round, if I need to put much effort in incase the work is capped at 40% and I will get the work done again.

This is how I think, when something puts me down, I just think 'Is there a way around this hurdle?' because everything happens for a reason, right? I feel that I am destined for greater things, and no matter what gets in my way, I will achieve it. My motivation may lack sometimes, but if something is meant to be, then I will get there.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x