Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

This Is Strange..

I am finding less and less people attractive. Ok, that came out wrong.

What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.

G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.

Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.

I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.

I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Love vs Lust

The age old question, am I in love, or is this lust?

What is love?
Love is unconditional, it is a mutual caring and protectiveness over another person. It can not be easily broken, and there will always be 'something' there even if you don't see each other anymore.
The film Frozen depicted it really well with Anna's True Love being her sister. This is love. Think about family love.

What is lust?
Lust is that tingly feeling you get when you see someone. It's the flirting, the kissing and the sex. Lust is physical more than emotional. It's exciting and makes you feel amazing, but can sometimes be short lived. Think more about the beginning of a relationship.

These definitions are in my opinion, not factual. I'm not saying that love and lust are completely different, because they are usually found together in a relationship.

I am constantly questioning if I actually love someone or not. So I meet this person, feel all tingly inside, want to be with them all the time, have so much care and emotion for them, but realise later that it wasn't love. Or not the love that I thought it could be.

I love people so much, and I can say it freely to my friends, but as soon as I met a potential partner, my lips stay sealed. I really do love everyone, until they give me a reason not to. My emotions run strong, really strong and it takes me forever to figure them out, but when I do, you'll know for sure. But I don'y want to say that I love someone, if I actually lust over them.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Coming Out / Life Lessons #5 ?

I really admire gay/bisexual/lesbians that have come out to their parents. I know I would never have the courage. It's a really big deal, and I wish I was as brave as them.

Think about the biggest secret you have, knowing that the one person you want to tell, is completely opposed to it. Some people are really lucky, with parents that will still love you no matter what.

I'm bisexual, and most of my childhood friends don't know. My family certainly think I'm 100% straight. The truth is, I have always had crushes on girls. From as long as I remember. I have no problem telling people that don't really know me, because then it's not really a shock to them. After my recent break-up, I've been turned off from guys. From the two men I have slept with my whole life (there's actually three but the last one is not counted for these purposes), both have forced me to sleep with them in some way. That is technically rape. I believe that I'm becoming less straight, but I don't know what to do...

I don't want people to make the same mistakes as me, being forced into something because they haven't got the guts to say no, because no isn't in the other person's vocabulary.

I don't think I will ever tell my parents, my dad is a strict (black) Christian, and would probably murder me if he found out, and my mum is really old fashioned and doesn't agree with gay people in any way, but she will accept them in a way. She say's she just doesn't want to know about them :/ Either way, it doesn't look good if I tell them...

Flirting

"I don't know how to flirt!"

Well, that's what I say when I'm told to flirt. Told to flirt?! Well flirting is something that happens naturally, not something to force. I've been told that I'm a natural flirt, which honestly, isn't a good thing to me. I get all kinds of unwanted attention. Heck, I had to say I had a girlfriend to get a guy away from me in a club...

Anyway, my point is that some people are genuinely nice people, but their kindness is often mistaken for flirting. And for others, they try so hard to flirt that they actually turn people away.

A word of advice, be yourself. There's not point trying to impress someone if you look completely fake.

Well, I don't really have any advice, just my opinions... >.<