This is not a review :O

So, I know I said that I will be focusing on my studies, at least for the next few months. I seems that I lied to myself. I have found myself playing The Sims 3 and 4 on multiple occasions, watching anime and simply going out.

Sims 4

I've started four new series: Ookami Shoujo to Kuro Ouji, Trinity Seven, Cross Ange: Tenshi to Ryuu no Rondo, and Grisaia no Kajitsu. One of these is a normal length series of around 25 episodes, but you can expect the other reviews around Christmas (I guess that's when they end).

Cross Ange

Not only have I been watching anime, but Grimm, The Big Bang Theory, The Simpsons, American Horror Story and Marvel's Agents of SHIELD are also back on TV. Well, I don't have a TV but Netflix and Amazon are quite useful here. If I can't find them there, there are always Google Searches.

That's all for a quick update from me.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I'm Not THAT Funny

So a pigeon just sat on my table and all I did was point at it and say "No". Everyone around me laughed...

Sorry, Not Sorry

Well, I am...

I have so much coursework to do that I don't even have a life anymore. :(
The only people I see are those in my flat, I barely talk to anyone online. I'm not even texting the girl as much anymore. My life sucks, and it's going to stay like this until the end of May.

Once my coursework and exams are over, I will be back to almost daily blogging. :3 Lucky you, haha.
But seriously, 1 sketch book, 2 essays, 1 exam and a group presentation. Less than a month to do all but the exam. I am screwed.

But it's not all doom and gloom. My flatmate is being extremely lovely to me, we watch anime together each night and act like a couple in private. ;3 But it's staying secret, so shhhh. ;) Our other flatmates don't seem to know yet, or they just haven't brought it up. This is bliss. Although I feel like my emotions are cheating on each other :( I'm getting these feelings for my flatmate but I still like the girl I was talking to (we both have loads of work to do and can't even Skype at the moment). I'm technically single but I still feel awful about it...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

P.S As of two days ago, I have been blogging for a year :3 I was going to do something big for it, buuut... stuff happens.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

Yeah, the title is a bit long..

Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...

This is what I want to make. Different cover of course.

The death of Aaron used to bring tears all the time, and two and a half years later, I thought I could think of him without crying. Until this project. For the purposes of making the book personal, I am having to dig up all the old things I wrote around the time of his death and it brings up the emotions with it.

I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people  are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.

There was really no point for this post, right? :/

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Body Image

I know I will probably get some hate over this, but I don't really care. These are my opinions and should not be taken too seriously.

Like most girls my age, I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, so my views on beauty are probably as messed up as society, BUT I don't think you need to be stick thin to be perfect. Or as near to perfect as a person can be.

I have one rule on being 'slim' and that is to not allow my stomach to be bigger than my breasts. It used to be as a child, not because I was fat, but because I didn't eat right. I looked like the malnourished children in Africa, that they show on tv. Just, not as severe. I grew up with a little piece of advice I read in a magazine at 12, which was a simple way of toning your stomach. This is basically sucking it in or tensing it whenever you walk somewhere, and only relaxing when seated or laying down. Simple enough, right? Trust me, it works. I had the tightest stomach out my my friends who didn't work out.

Later in life (aged 18) I finally joined the gym. I was going to join at a much younger age (15) but the joining fees were high and my dad didn't think I would stick to it so wouldn't pay up. My best friend, however, became obsessed with losing weight. We started off at the same size, UK 8-10, but within a year, she became smaller than me while my breasts increased causing me to buy larger tops (that's my excuse anyway). So now I join the gym for 3 months at a time, and have a couple of months off during the university holidays. I got more toned, and my breasts shrunk to a C/D cup. Whoo, I can buy size 10 tops again xD.

Barbie vs average person

That was completely off topic. I was going to go on about how fat people shouldn't let themselves get like that. Like, if you have wings instead of arms, can't fit through the tube doors (small end-of-carriage doors), or have difficulty walking and breathing, you have a major problem. If you are my version of 'slim', I don't care if you're size 8 or 16, you're beautiful. Screw Barbie and her ideas of being plastic. Just don't get so small that you look like a twig that I could snap with two fingers...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

(I might do a part two of me actually ranting about this issue.)

Trust

Trust.
Faith.
Hope.

These are all things that we should have, but due to experiences, may become lost.

I am overly trusting, yet I don't trust anyone. This means that deep down in my heart, I find it really hard to truly trust anyone. At all. But I find it easy to trust people with simple, unimportant things. So I may appear to trust you, but I really don't.

I have faith in humanity. Well... I like to think that I do. Obviously I have times where I think we are going to stupidify ourselves to extinction, but I try to believe that people are actually nice. I have faith that things will turn out great in the end.

My hopes are similar to my faith. I hope for positive things in the world, for equality (turns out I'm a communist), and for general happiness. I hope for a lot of things, and some of my hopes/wishes come true.

What do you think? I love hearing your replies through Kik. ^.^ Carinaad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

CHERRY BAKEWELLS!!!

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY?!

Oh, so I have this craving. To these:


And well, I can't have one. Not just because I haven't bought any in years, but because I'm allergic. Yes, that's right. Allergic to a craving. >.<

I have a nut allergy. Most specifically to hazelnuts, cashews and I forgot the other one, but over the years, it's gotten worse. The smell of peanuts sets off my allergies, and a couple of years ago, this delicious treat gave me a reaction.

Has this happened to any of you before? Do you have allergies and then one day, you want something that has this product in it?

Over the Christmas holidays (my stupidly long 2 months off uni holidays), I craved carrot cake. And well, most shop bought carrot cakes have walnuts in. And the ones without nuts, had currants. (I wanted PURE carrot cake. No hidden extras.) Walnuts aren't officially on my list, but I stay away from all nuts as I don't want the risk. (And I refused to renew my epipen...)

So yeah.. Let me know.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Life Lessons #7

Plan your time wisely.

So I have this essay to write. It was given to me on Monday. It is now Sunday and I have only just realised it was there. I don't even understand the slides given to me, I don't own any of the essential reading books (seriously, who has £150 to spend on 6 books I may not understand?) and the podcast isn't much help either. NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMESTER.

I don't know anyone on my course yet (it's that odd module I picked up this semester, with a different year group of people) so I can't even ask for help.

The lesson here is to prepare yourself at university. I knew this but ignored it, and now look at me, I'm procrastinating by writing this post. As soon as you get a piece of work, read it and find out what you have to do. That way, you won't get any nasty surprises, and you know how much time to spend on it. If you then decide to leave it to that last minutes, not my problem. You had the time to seek help. Me? I should have checked all this on Monday or earlier in the week in order to seek help. To even have time to go to the library... Anyway, I'll live with the consequences and will remember for next week (where I need to write another essay in preparation).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

LOVE

I guess this blog is sort of a dedication to the second and last person I ever loved.

I was with my first boyfriend on and off (mostly off) for almost two years, from age 14 (I'll call him Scott). We sort of drifted apart after finishing school at 16 (Bonus of living in England, we can chose to leave school at 16. I chose to stay on xD) and only exchange birthday wishes through Facebook now.

Anyway, secondly there was Aaron*. I met him shortly after turning 15, well, I met him through his sister that I had only met days earlier. The three of us became quick friends and spent loads of time together. We met up that summer (as they did not live that close) and were practically inseparable, chatting all night long online.

*Sorry, I can't remember him without tears coming to my eyes*

I fell for him, but I could never admit that to him. I was scared of ruining what we had, yet we told each other practically everything else. Aaron was two years older than me, and apparently had a girlfriend that I never met but he was always with me and his sister. I didn't quite understand. Anyway, that year, he had an accident. He was knocked over by a car and hospitalised. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply when I got the text. I just sat in my room crying. That's when I knew that my feelings were really strong, but I was put off by knowing he had someone else.

Our friendship was brief, now that I think about it. I had a lot going on at home, and he and his sister had moved even further away due to family issues. I didn't press for details, I knew that if he would tell anyone, it would be me. 15th June 2011, Aaron sadly passed away. I was 17. He was such a huge part of my  life, that I didn't know what to do after he went. The shock was immense and the pain still haunts me. Around his two year anniversary, I cried and cried. It was terrible.

My memories do not serve me well, ever. I don't remember being with Scott and falling for Aaron at the same time. The parts that give me pin points in time are: he was knocked down by a car around the time of my GCSE's (I finished them in 2010), and he died two months before I moved house (August 2011). I knew he was ill, but he wouldn't let pain get him down. He suffered in silence, always wearing that smile on his face. I sunk into my deepest depression pit to date.

Anyway... If anyone needs me, I'll post some contact details later. Or just leave me a comment :3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Paranoia

So I get paranoid sometimes, but in my mind, it's not unrealistic.

My mother and myself have realised (together) that when we think something is happening to us or that we are being targeted we are actually right. People look at us and think we are mad or something, but we test our theories and come out right.

When I was young, my mum thought we were being racially targeted. She told her brothers and other family that she felt unsafe where she was living, an later found evidence of people breaking into a mid-terrace back garden which had no access from the back. She found other peoples' footprints in the sand pit. So we moved house the first time.

Whilst at uni, I thought that someone was using my stuff. So I started to deliberately leave my stuff in certain places and positions, and then I would notice if it had moved. I was right. I also noticed my mug 'missing' one day and could not find it at all. Later that day, a flatmate came into to kitchen with it. The one person that seemed to hate me in that flat was taking my stuff.

Now I am noticing (after moving buildings) that my milk is going missing. Before I was just confused, but after my (almost) whole box of cereal had been eaten (I rarely eat breakfast), and half of my remaining ice-cream being eaten, I knew something was up. So now I take a sharpie into the kitchen if I know I will be using milk for anything. I make a mark where it finishes and if the milk line is lower, I mark it with a line and '?'. The '?' is for when I don't use it myself. The marks are on the back of the bottle, so they can't be seen easily, but I wrote on the front for someone to stop using it. Unless I put cameras up in the kitchen, I will not catch the culprit. :(

My next thought is to get a mini fridge in my room (against my contract terms) so that I am not being stolen from as much. This is so frustrating. >.<

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Magic

What if magic was real? If it actually existed.

I believe it does. But not in the fairy tale kind of way. I believe that if you believe in something enough, it becomes true. Your imagination is not just your brain making things up, but a 'third eye' sort of thing looking into a parallel or alternative dimension.

We all possess magic, and 'magicians' are the ones who have managed to tap into their abilities and make a THING out of it. The world isn't as boring as it seems. I have noticed that if I wish for something enough, with all my heart, it becomes true. Small things, nothing drastic though. And it has only happened a few times.

I live in my own world, as you can tell. At age 5, I thought that I knocked over a basket in class with my powers. I wanted it to happen, and truly thought I had done it. It wasn't the wind because the door was closed and we were inside, and no one was near it to knock it over, and it wasn't on the edge of the table either. I saw it move and fall off. I thought it was me! I was so excited that I told my mum when I got home and said "I'm a witch!" :)

There are many types of modern 'magical' people out there; wiccans, magicians, fortune tellers, etc, and for obvious reasons I cannot tell you certain things, but I do enjoy reading this sort of fiction. Imagine if everything you reason was real, just not in our world? It's truly amazing what you can see if you just believe.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Miss Home

So Christmas season is upon us, and I am yet to go home and celebrate with my family even though university is over. I miss my bedroom so much, and the past couple of months have been too eventful, (I know I said I would post everything, but I haven't revealed the full story yet) but I wanted to share a couple of images of my room with you.

 I'm almost Japanese, haha. These are the kanji for 'star', 'water' and 'love'. I know the words seem an odd combination, but these are what I was taught at a japanese festival and my first ever attempt at writing kanji. The brush strokes may be a bit off, but if I keep practicing, I should get better. And I always have my japanese friend to help me :)

This is my name in katakana. It can be written two ways, and mine is supposed to have an extra symbol to show that the 'ri' part of my name is slightly longer, so Carina becomes 'カリーナ' and the 'i' is pronounced slightly longer than in my image. I just love how japanese is written, and so I have these in my bedroom to remind me of how happy east asians always are. They're always smiling, I don't think I've ever seen one sad.

This is all for now, I may show more snippets of my room later on (when I get bored).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

So Late...

So about a month ago, I said this 'I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...Later. Much later.' (2nd November 2013, just scroll down)
And so I thought I should at least explain one of these. 

I have a job. Not quite sure if it's paid :/ and I know I haven't got any money, but I enjoy working there so it doesn't matter so much. If I hated it, I wouldn't stay even if I did get paid, but I love it, so yeah.

I work in a TV Studio called The Sporah Show. I don't think I can post much online about it (my manager told me not to upload photos to facebook without permission, but I don't even take any photos haha). I started on the 29th October, and I get to meet all these lovely celebrities from Africa, and some from the UK too.

They are usually so interesting to talk to, and the host, Sporah, has her own tale to tell. (Sssh, I didn't say anything.) We have business men/women, models, actors, musicians, writers and loads more. Admittedly I have never seen the show itself, just snippets from youtube (I don't have a TV or license), but behind the scenes are so funny. It's almost like another family, so I felt welcomed as soon as I arrived.

If I have to compare the show to any others (not that I watch TV), I would say that it's like Graham Norton's show, Oprah, and even Alan Carr: Chatty Man.

I'm still undecided on what I want to pursue as a career in the future, this is definitely fun, but I don't think I would be able to do this all the time. It's only for one day a week, and I have university to finish first. Anyway, check out the show's website and let me know what you think. 

Oh, and new episodes are aired every Tuesday at 8pm on VOX AFRICA, Sky Channel 218. There are two more repeats during the week too ;)

University #6

I think I am now ready to explain what happened last week. (Sorry I haven't posted in a while.)

It all started from when we first moved in together. There's this one girl (I think I called her Mel in another post), and she kept leaving her washing up in the sink that we are all supposed to use. Mel also left her rubbish bin in the hallway, for up to three weeks in which Brian put it in the bin for her. BRIAN DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE, HE GOES TO A DIFFERENT UNI!
Oh, and have I mentioned that she often leaves her stuff in her bedroom long enough for it to grow mold? Then laughs and leaves it in the kitchen. I'M ALLERGIC TO MOLD :(

So, Mel went home for the weekend. She left the sink full of her stuff. She put a bin bag in the hallway three days before she left. Friday afternoon (she left that morning), we noticed all this and decided that enough was enough. She had told all of us that she loves cleaning, and that's the one thing she has NEVER done here.

Being sick of everything being left, and living in almost filth, we opened up two of her cupboards. One of them just had a plastic mixing bowl on the top shelf, so Brian put the small bin bag on the bottom shelf. I collected the bag from the hallway and put it on the kitchen floor. Shanay either handed Brian the bag or put it in the cupboard herself.
Let's clear some things up, Lizzy, James, Shanay, Brian and I were all in the kitchen at this point.
Brian then moved all of Mel's food to the top shelf of the other cupboard (amazing packing skills, I must say). Lizzy handed him the pots and pans, while James and I emptied them all. Brian continued to pack all of her stuff into this cupboard.
We all played our part.

Mel came home Sunday evening, found out what happened and used 'kik' to exclaim her outrage. Unfortunately, due to changing my phone (it was in for repair and my tablet no longer has these messages), I cannot prove anything, but the it was a group conversation and so someone will have these still.
Monday, Mel decided to have a meeting with everyone. I was out. Doing photography. I was recieving texts during a photoshoot telling me that Mel hates the fact that I wasn't home, and she's angry with us all.
Tuesday (I was at work all day), Mel moves out. I was home at 8pm-ish (that's early for me) and saw her finish emptying the fridge and freezer, with a shopping trolley. She didn't say a word to me.

Apparently, Shanay said that everything was Brian's fault, and that she had nothing to do with it. It took James and Lizzy a lot of effort to also clear Phil's name.

Now this story is long and I promise to finish it tomorrow. At least, very soon. Something happened Wednesday and so I shall leave that for another post.

Goodnight my lovelies ^.^ x

EXO - European Music Awards (EMAs)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote for this awesome Kpop band called EXO. Check out their Youtube videos, then vote here for me http://uk.mtvema.com/vote#cat=worldwide-act

There's less than two days left, and normally I don't beg.

You can vote up to 100 times per browser, and I used 5 each time I reached the limit. 500 VOTES FROM ME :D
I'm sad, get over it ^.^

So yeah, listen to me for once and vote, pretty please? I have literally spammed twitter about this and well, you're next.

Bye bye sweetie pies x

Once Again

And again I am working to a tight deadline. I have to catch up on six weeks worth of work before 2pm Monday. It's 9.36pm Saturday.

I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...
Later. Much later.

*Goes to do work but probably watches something online*

Life Lessons #6

CONFRONTATION

Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.

As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.

The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.

The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.

I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.

BusyBusyBusy

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting as much as I usually do, but I've been really busy. So busy that I haven't even managed to search for a job...

So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight.  I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.

I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.

I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)

Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.

Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).

I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.


Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(

Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/

Procrastinating

This is something I'm an expert at. I can be given a piece of work and just find anything else possible to do.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing coursework, or reading up on the law, or going food shopping but instead, I have just cleaned my entire room and bathroom... All of the three things above are extremely important, but well... This is me.

Don't get me wrong, I will get the work done by the deadline, or blag my way through it. I'm just no good at time management... And I have started my photography coursework, and done my lead up research, but finding friends to model for me and both being free at the same time is pretty difficult.

So later, I will convince one of my flatmates to come shopping with me. It's time for another stock up, especially since the beer explosion >.< And I'm running out of the huge packets that mother bought me for when I arrived.

Basically, one of the girls in my flat put beer in my drawer in the freezer, it exploded and I had to chuck away every open packet away. That left me with virtually no food. This was two/three days ago.

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x