Homeless?

So I went  home on Tuesday to look for jobs and see my mum... I was in the house half an hour, before the arguing started. In fact, it started when I got in after a terrible previous couple of days, plus little sleep. I shouted quite a bit, and left saying that I won't be back for summer. I basically told my mum some truths that have been bugging me for a few years.

So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.

I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.

But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Medication

What do you think of the pills that doctors seem to just hand out for whatever reason?
Do you take pills, and what for?

Personally I don't like them. Just because we have a little ache or pain, why should we fill our body with chemicals? That's what medicine is. These aches and pains are out bodies telling us that something is wrong and we need to fix it.

Next time you have a headache, try a glass of cold water. If that doesn't work after ten minutes, then I will allow you to take something for it. If you're tired, go to sleep.

Muscle ache? Try and stretch it out first, before you try anything else.

Stomach ache... well I know this is harder for some people, but I curl up in bed until it goes away, making sure to drink plenty of water and eat a bit of food.

Depressed or feeling down? I've personally found that listening to 'happier' upbeat music has a better effect than taking anti-depressants. Especially when you're bipolar.

Anemic? Even doctors recommend red meat and green vegetables to help with this. The most common symptom is excessive tiredness.

NEVER TAKE MEDICATION WHILST FEELING FAINT!!

Obviously, there are certain things that 'NEED' medication, and I know that some things can get too painful. I'm just saying that are usually are alternatives to pain relief and other medication. I'm not saying that I never take pills, last year I had a lower back ache that went on for three days before I went to see a doctor. It was so bad that I couldn't walk more than ten minutes at a time. He tried giving me pills that I'm allergic to, before giving me extra strong pills.

Taking pills will always give you a side effect as they are not natural, and most of the time, you will  not notice these side effects. However, if you continuously use pain killers, the chemicals will slowly build up in your system. You may notice that over time, you need to up the dosage of what you are taking. This is because your body gets used to the chemicals. You are placing 'toxins' in your body that are not supposed to be there. Some of these tablets were originally marketed for one thing, but then noticed that one of the side effects is 'beneficial' and re-labelled the medication. Does that mean that your body is having all these chemical reactions take place in you body just to ease the pain of a headache? Multi-function tablets are probably the worst ones out there.

Try to stay natural.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Relieved

I finally got to move out today. Basically  I walked into the housing office and told them that they forgot to call me and arrange a meeting, so we had it right then and there. I was brought to tears again, accused to breaking into a room, and of cyberbullying.
I stormed off crying and shouting something along the lines of "You claim to provide a safe environment to live in yet I've been living in fear for the past month! [...] If you don't do something about this, I will drop out of uni altogether because this is too much stress! I have a deadline on Monday and due to the circumstances I am unable to complete my work in time."

I cried for a while, staring out at the water and City Airport, then called my personal tutor for some advice.
I went to my tutors office, and spoke, then he asked me to leave the room for a few minutes to talk to someone else that had entered.

I then recieved a call from housing, telling me some stuff about a room being available, in which I replied "I should hope so, you guys have driven me to thoughts of suicide, and quitting the one thing I actually want to do[...] Let me calm down first." I was still too angry, and encounters with that man always make me worse. (It really doesn't help that almost everyone I saw that day was male.)

I went to the office with my tutor, who was also trying to get me an extension on a piece of coursework, so that it is complete, even if it is not to the standard that I wanted it to be at. He checked that they were in fact giving me a room, and they gave me the keys to have a look at it. I asked my tutor to come with me as I was still feeling a bit off, and so he did. Getting into another flat made me feel so much better already, and so I accepted the offer and started moving things in, packing and cleaning my old room and then bringing it all over with the help of a couple of friends.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I noticed that I have turned back into my old self again, quite quickly. I have a spring in my step, I'm smiling already and made my first proper meal in about a month (from scratch, none of those jars and frozen rubbish).

I am truly grateful to everyone that has helped and supported me through this time, my family, friends, my personal tutor, and now I found out that the one 'impartial' person in my flat was actually on my side. Shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Once Again

And again I am working to a tight deadline. I have to catch up on six weeks worth of work before 2pm Monday. It's 9.36pm Saturday.

I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...
Later. Much later.

*Goes to do work but probably watches something online*

Life Lessons #6

CONFRONTATION

Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.

As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.

The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.

The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.

I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.

Dreams

So, I was talking with my mum on the phone earlier, and something creeped me out. It wasn't the fact that our town has been subject to a serious rape, a stabbing or death by manhole cover. It was to do with my brother.

Basically, for the last three nights, I've been having dreams about my brother getting depressed over his relationship and life in general, and so my family would all go and cheer him up. Each night is different but it always ends with him feeling reassured and better about everything.

Now, I found out today that my brother is feeling depressed and worried over his relationship. So my dreams have been true...

I wouldn't say we are particularly close, but it freaked me out a little. Especially as my mum said it has been this past week and the timing and situations are very coincidental. Has anyone else experienced this? Or is this a brother-sister thing?