I know what I saw.
I don't know what I saw.
It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.
I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.
I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.
I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.
Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x
Venting, programme reviews (mostly anime) and confessions will all be posted. Ask anything and you will get an answer ^.^ Just snippets from my life. Enjoy my lovelies. (Disclaimer: None of the images posted belong to me, and are found on Google, unless otherwise stated.)
Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negative. Show all posts
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Thursday, 29 May 2014
Homeless?
So I went home on Tuesday to look for jobs and see my mum... I was in the house half an hour, before the arguing started. In fact, it started when I got in after a terrible previous couple of days, plus little sleep. I shouted quite a bit, and left saying that I won't be back for summer. I basically told my mum some truths that have been bugging me for a few years.
So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.
I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.
But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
So, with no where to to go over summer, unless I contemplate suicide living there again, I decided to contact my missing father. He's rented out his house while away, and well, he hasn't gotten back to me about his other properties yet. :( Seriously, what does being 'daddy's favourite' get you? Nothing, that's what.
I could live with a couple of friends over summer, but that makes it harder for finding a job, especially if I keep skipping cities between the south coast and the midlands. This will be a long 3/4 months of summer. My friend also cannot afford a deposit yet for our flat in London, the plan is to move in during September.
But I believe things will work out, somehow. Gotta keep positive, I have two weeks...
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Labels:
assumptions,
boring,
british,
broken,
crash,
depressing,
diary,
family,
friends,
growing up,
home,
life sucks,
London,
money,
negative,
rant,
scary,
university,
update,
worried
Friday, 28 March 2014
I don't know why I do this to myself.
Yeah, the title is a bit long..
Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...
The death of Aaron used to bring tears all the time, and two and a half years later, I thought I could think of him without crying. Until this project. For the purposes of making the book personal, I am having to dig up all the old things I wrote around the time of his death and it brings up the emotions with it.
I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.
There was really no point for this post, right? :/
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Anyway, I'm doing this photography project based on graveyards, and I also have to produce a book from it. But that isn't the problem. As it is a delicate area which I thought I had overcome, I wanted it to be a small, intimate book. One of my tutors has other ideas...
This is what I want to make. Different cover of course. |
I am still finalising some details for my pin up on Wednesday, but I am on track with MY idea. I took on this idea because it is close to my heart, to show that as I was going through this tough time, I cleared my mind with time and writing things down. Re-living the memories I had with him, talking with people that knew us both. I found comfort in my friends and they things we wrote together, and this book is to be a gentle reminder. If I can make it so that other people are moved by its contents, then I have done a good job.
There was really no point for this post, right? :/
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Saturday, 25 January 2014
This Town Sucks
Sorry Crawley!!! (Not really sorry.)
To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.
"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."
I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.
Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.
I didn't buy anything!
The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."
The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.
"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."
I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.
Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.
![]() |
Haha, my colourful wall and bedsheets ^.^ |
I didn't buy anything!
The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."
The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Saturday, 11 January 2014
LOVE
I guess this blog is sort of a dedication to the second and last person I ever loved.
I was with my first boyfriend on and off (mostly off) for almost two years, from age 14 (I'll call him Scott). We sort of drifted apart after finishing school at 16 (Bonus of living in England, we can chose to leave school at 16. I chose to stay on xD) and only exchange birthday wishes through Facebook now.
Anyway, secondly there was Aaron*. I met him shortly after turning 15, well, I met him through his sister that I had only met days earlier. The three of us became quick friends and spent loads of time together. We met up that summer (as they did not live that close) and were practically inseparable, chatting all night long online.
*Sorry, I can't remember him without tears coming to my eyes*
I fell for him, but I could never admit that to him. I was scared of ruining what we had, yet we told each other practically everything else. Aaron was two years older than me, and apparently had a girlfriend that I never met but he was always with me and his sister. I didn't quite understand. Anyway, that year, he had an accident. He was knocked over by a car and hospitalised. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply when I got the text. I just sat in my room crying. That's when I knew that my feelings were really strong, but I was put off by knowing he had someone else.
Our friendship was brief, now that I think about it. I had a lot going on at home, and he and his sister had moved even further away due to family issues. I didn't press for details, I knew that if he would tell anyone, it would be me. 15th June 2011, Aaron sadly passed away. I was 17. He was such a huge part of my life, that I didn't know what to do after he went. The shock was immense and the pain still haunts me. Around his two year anniversary, I cried and cried. It was terrible.
My memories do not serve me well, ever. I don't remember being with Scott and falling for Aaron at the same time. The parts that give me pin points in time are: he was knocked down by a car around the time of my GCSE's (I finished them in 2010), and he died two months before I moved house (August 2011). I knew he was ill, but he wouldn't let pain get him down. He suffered in silence, always wearing that smile on his face. I sunk into my deepest depression pit to date.
Anyway... If anyone needs me, I'll post some contact details later. Or just leave me a comment :3
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
I was with my first boyfriend on and off (mostly off) for almost two years, from age 14 (I'll call him Scott). We sort of drifted apart after finishing school at 16 (Bonus of living in England, we can chose to leave school at 16. I chose to stay on xD) and only exchange birthday wishes through Facebook now.
Anyway, secondly there was Aaron*. I met him shortly after turning 15, well, I met him through his sister that I had only met days earlier. The three of us became quick friends and spent loads of time together. We met up that summer (as they did not live that close) and were practically inseparable, chatting all night long online.
*Sorry, I can't remember him without tears coming to my eyes*
I fell for him, but I could never admit that to him. I was scared of ruining what we had, yet we told each other practically everything else. Aaron was two years older than me, and apparently had a girlfriend that I never met but he was always with me and his sister. I didn't quite understand. Anyway, that year, he had an accident. He was knocked over by a car and hospitalised. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply when I got the text. I just sat in my room crying. That's when I knew that my feelings were really strong, but I was put off by knowing he had someone else.
Our friendship was brief, now that I think about it. I had a lot going on at home, and he and his sister had moved even further away due to family issues. I didn't press for details, I knew that if he would tell anyone, it would be me. 15th June 2011, Aaron sadly passed away. I was 17. He was such a huge part of my life, that I didn't know what to do after he went. The shock was immense and the pain still haunts me. Around his two year anniversary, I cried and cried. It was terrible.
My memories do not serve me well, ever. I don't remember being with Scott and falling for Aaron at the same time. The parts that give me pin points in time are: he was knocked down by a car around the time of my GCSE's (I finished them in 2010), and he died two months before I moved house (August 2011). I knew he was ill, but he wouldn't let pain get him down. He suffered in silence, always wearing that smile on his face. I sunk into my deepest depression pit to date.
Anyway... If anyone needs me, I'll post some contact details later. Or just leave me a comment :3
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Sometimes.. I hate being a girl.
To all the girls out there, do you get this too?
When mother nature gives you your monthly gift, do you feel this bad or even worse?
When mother nature gives you your monthly gift, do you feel this bad or even worse?
- So this morning, as I was in the shower, I almost passed out and had to sit on the floor for a little while, and as I was washing my hair, I had to stop and sit down with my bathroom door open to cool down.
- I then had to open my bedroom window and lay down in bed, before managing to put anything other than a towel on.
- I sleep, like all day. I physically cannot do anything more than microwave a previously cooked meal and just sit or lay down all day.
- Cramps put me off having children, if period cramps are this severe that I almost pass out, how will I give birth?
- I don't like taking medication much, so I try other ways to soothe myself.
- Eating is too strenuous. I have two bites of breakfast, drink some water then fall asleep.
- The furthest I can walk is from my bed to my door, luckily at university I have an en-suite.
- Going to the kitchen is a milestone I have to pass every few hours to re-fill a water bottle and have dinner.
- You know how cramps are always there, but sometimes they come on stronger suddenly? I breathe as if I am in labour because it hurts too much as I double over in pain.
All this makes me wish that I was back home just for this part of the month so that my mum can look after me and my dog will comfort me. The only revision I can manage today is to listen to the recordings of my lectures on repeat, even as I doze off.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Once Again
And again I am working to a tight deadline. I have to catch up on six weeks worth of work before 2pm Monday. It's 9.36pm Saturday.
I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...
Later. Much later.
*Goes to do work but probably watches something online*
I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...
Later. Much later.
*Goes to do work but probably watches something online*
Labels:
bored,
chocolate,
deadlines,
life sucks,
negative,
procrastinate,
real life,
stress,
worried
Sunday, 20 October 2013
University #5
Now for the story of about two weeks ago. As I have vaguely listed those that I live with, I'm going to use those names and assume you know who they are even though you really don't know these people.
Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.
One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.
When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.
For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.
I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.
*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*
Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.
One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.
When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.
For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.
I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.
*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*
Monday, 23 September 2013
Hypocrites / Pet Peeves
Don't you hate it when someone says 'I really like someone with.....' And then they date the opposite? I do that :/
My friend just posted on Twitter that he likes girls with an ass. His girlfriend is a stick...
So... 20 Things I hate about people... :
My friend just posted on Twitter that he likes girls with an ass. His girlfriend is a stick...
So... 20 Things I hate about people... :
- People that text/message you first then take forever to reply.
- Having different personalities when they talk to different people (going from something to quiet is fine though), I mean being really girly with some friends, then acting like a tomboy/rebel with others.
- Having bare feet, especially around me.
- Ditching you to live alone but ending up living with other people. Just tell me the fricking truth. >.<
- Smokers.
- Druggies.
- People with no self respect.
- Assuming people's sexuality (yes we all do it, but explicitly mentioning it in a conversation like "as a girl, what do you look for in a guy?" [or girl]).
- Music too loud when I want to sleep.
- Being inconsiderate.
- 'Fake' people.
- PDA! (Public Displays of Affection.)
- Hating someone before knowing them.
- Hating on a stereotype (gays).
- Rudeness.
- Making up things about their past.
- Criminals.
- Too much make-up.
- Grammatically incorrect, all the time. (How did you get into university?)
- Overly egotistic.
Labels:
annoying,
assumptions,
Hating,
life,
negative,
people,
prejudice,
rant,
university,
venting
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)