Hakkenden: Touhou Hakken Ibun (Seasons 1 & 2)

How can something be so beautiful and so sad at the same time?

These two series follow on from each other fairly well, and even the episode number (in the anime, not as listed) follows on in ascending order. It's as though the series was supposed to be one long one, but they decided to put it in two halves (I have not read up on this, nor know the actual reason behind this decision).

Shino.

The story follows Shino, an apparent pre-pubescent boy, and his childhood friends, Sousuke and Hamaji. They were orphaned due to a terrible incident in their village five years prior, and stuck together as family, the only survivors. With strange ties to the church, a lack of memories of the past and demonic powers, this story covers it all. Some things are not even revealed until the very end, so it has plenty of questions to keep you watching.

Hamaji.

I found it really intriguing, there are hints to keep you guessing but it is also pleasant to watch by just going with the flow and not thinking too much. I would also call this a casual anime, you get obsessed with watching it, but you don't feel the need to watch every episode in succession (it came out a year or two ago, so I watched it when I had the time, instead of making time for it).

Sousuke fighting himself/ other half.

If you liked Spirited Away, Fruits Basket, or any other anime with spirits, demons and all things legendary, then check this out. You won't regret it, that is my personal guarantee.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Graveyards

Last week, I went to a graveyard to do some photography last minute to hand in for my brief.
I cried.

I found that going to a cemetery is extremely emotional, even though I did not know anyone there. I think it's the idea of death which frightens me the most. Not because I don't want to die (I have had suicidal thoughts and actions in the past), but because of the people I will leave behind. No matter what you think of yourself, there are always people out there who will mourn your death, who love you now and forever, and who will miss you loads. This is what friends and family are. Despite how annoying you are to siblings, you will still be missed.

Oh, I found this place very beautiful yet sad and upsetting at the same time. And I saw a Raven. On a tombstone. Cawing. D:

I have lost someone dear to me, as you know, and I don't want to put anyone through that. I don't want to be an emotional burden, but I also don't want anyone to rejoice that I have passed because I'm an awful person. It's hard to describe, but I'm sure you'll understand. I don't want to be hated, but loved. But I don't want my passing to put others in turmoil.

Now, I don't know where any of my family is buried, I even asked my mum after and she said that her parents had their ashes scattered. I can't even visit the grandparents that I never met. As for other family, we are spread out around the world with family all over the South of England, Canada, Africa and some of Europe. I have no way of knowing these people.

Just remember, you will always be remembered by those lives you have touched. Be remembered for the good you do, not the bad.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Town Sucks

Sorry Crawley!!! (Not really sorry.)

To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.

"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."

I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.

Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.

Haha, my colourful wall and bedsheets ^.^

I didn't buy anything!

The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."

The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

LOVE

I guess this blog is sort of a dedication to the second and last person I ever loved.

I was with my first boyfriend on and off (mostly off) for almost two years, from age 14 (I'll call him Scott). We sort of drifted apart after finishing school at 16 (Bonus of living in England, we can chose to leave school at 16. I chose to stay on xD) and only exchange birthday wishes through Facebook now.

Anyway, secondly there was Aaron*. I met him shortly after turning 15, well, I met him through his sister that I had only met days earlier. The three of us became quick friends and spent loads of time together. We met up that summer (as they did not live that close) and were practically inseparable, chatting all night long online.

*Sorry, I can't remember him without tears coming to my eyes*

I fell for him, but I could never admit that to him. I was scared of ruining what we had, yet we told each other practically everything else. Aaron was two years older than me, and apparently had a girlfriend that I never met but he was always with me and his sister. I didn't quite understand. Anyway, that year, he had an accident. He was knocked over by a car and hospitalised. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply when I got the text. I just sat in my room crying. That's when I knew that my feelings were really strong, but I was put off by knowing he had someone else.

Our friendship was brief, now that I think about it. I had a lot going on at home, and he and his sister had moved even further away due to family issues. I didn't press for details, I knew that if he would tell anyone, it would be me. 15th June 2011, Aaron sadly passed away. I was 17. He was such a huge part of my  life, that I didn't know what to do after he went. The shock was immense and the pain still haunts me. Around his two year anniversary, I cried and cried. It was terrible.

My memories do not serve me well, ever. I don't remember being with Scott and falling for Aaron at the same time. The parts that give me pin points in time are: he was knocked down by a car around the time of my GCSE's (I finished them in 2010), and he died two months before I moved house (August 2011). I knew he was ill, but he wouldn't let pain get him down. He suffered in silence, always wearing that smile on his face. I sunk into my deepest depression pit to date.

Anyway... If anyone needs me, I'll post some contact details later. Or just leave me a comment :3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Procrastinating

This is something I'm an expert at. I can be given a piece of work and just find anything else possible to do.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing coursework, or reading up on the law, or going food shopping but instead, I have just cleaned my entire room and bathroom... All of the three things above are extremely important, but well... This is me.

Don't get me wrong, I will get the work done by the deadline, or blag my way through it. I'm just no good at time management... And I have started my photography coursework, and done my lead up research, but finding friends to model for me and both being free at the same time is pretty difficult.

So later, I will convince one of my flatmates to come shopping with me. It's time for another stock up, especially since the beer explosion >.< And I'm running out of the huge packets that mother bought me for when I arrived.

Basically, one of the girls in my flat put beer in my drawer in the freezer, it exploded and I had to chuck away every open packet away. That left me with virtually no food. This was two/three days ago.

University #3

So things have changed oh so quickly here already, and I only arrived a week ago today. My flatmates are rarely seen anymore, they just stay in their rooms all day. I know I go out without them, so I'm not saying that I'm not the problem too. It's just that I've been in my room sleeping and watching random things online, one girl is sleeping all the time (she said she caught whatever I have wrong with me :/), I have no idea what the other two girls are doing, I see them for about five minutes a day. Both guys are doing work, I think. I haven't seen one in two days, and the other is watching anime and drawing (Twitter).

I hope we get closer as a flat, I barely know what is going on most of the time, and I hope we don't just do our work all the time. It's all boring. No one is socialising much, so we are not getting to know each other. I understand that two of us are a little ill, but that doesn't mean that things should have an awkward silence in the kitchen.

I'll just leave you with this picture that always makes me happy.

Family

Most people have someone in their family that they are close to, whether they live with them or not. For me, I'm close to my mum and my sister (In another blog she calls herself Iris, so I will use that name for her too). I never used to be, but now my sister and I realised that we have common interests, we go to various cities together on days out, and we sit and watch anime and japanese dramas together. My mother never used to be so understanding, but after I moved out (the first time) she realised that I wasn't going to take anymore shit from her, and she got extremely upset over it, but also noticed that I won't let people push me around. I am my own person, and nobody will stop me from being just that.

As you may or may not know, my family is a little... dysfunctional, shall we say? I had a foster sister who now lives somewhere in this country, away from us with her 'proper' family. My father left when I was two years old, long before Iris was born. I have an older half sister on my father's side living in a different country. My other older half brother and half sister live somewhere else in this town, so they weren't really around as I grew up. Then my youngest half sister lives in the south coast. That's about an hour drive away, so I only see her when she visits Dad. That's just my immediate family. I have an uncle that never spoke to my mum for the fist ten years of my life, and a little before that too. And her other brother doesn't really associate himself too often, so I now see my uncles on rare family get-togethers.

My cousins are a different story. I was really close to one of them as a young child, but she's a lot older than me, starting a family and I haven't seen her in about two years. Her two sisters barely ever spoke to me. Three cousins who I barely know anymore... Now the uncle that didn't speak to my mum for a long time? He also has two daughters, and I barely know them. All I do know is that they are pretty, have long term partners and have successful jobs. I don't see them either.

I only started thinking about this last night when a friend of mine was telling me how he and his little cousin are really close, and do almost everything together. He described them as 'like father and daughter' which I found strange and would say they are more like siblings. Then on Facebook just now, a picture came up on my timeline saying that cousins are our first childhood friends and that cousins will always be close. Unfortunately that's no the case for me. I seem to hate most of my family, and if I don't hate them, I don't feel anything for them. My uncles and cousins are more like acquaintances.

My mum has a cousin who lives to hours away from us. This is where things get positive :) She has a son and daughter, which makes us second cousins or something? Anyway, I'm pretty close to the two of them, and as we are similar in age, they only thing that stops us being so close is the distance. One of them is John, from another blog post, and in the magpie story, I named him Aaron. Even though we may not see each other regularly, when we do meet up, it's like we were never apart. Like a true family.

So as you can see, my family isn't exactly normal. But without them, I would probably be a different person.

Wishful Thinking

I have spent most of my childhood, thinking of my ideal boyfriend/husband, like many girls do. Due to what had happened all around me, I also felt unworthy and ugly.

One or two years ago, I made an awful discovery. No my parents hadn't cheated, or that I have a secret long lost sister (sure, another one really wouldn't make much difference), or that I'm adopted. But because of the age I was when my parents split up and divorced, it has a NEGATIVE IMPACT on ALL MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS! It has been psychologically proven, and so I realised that I have no hope with having a proper family or a 'long term partner'.

Sure this hasn't stopped me dreaming of my perfect man, or the 'father of any future children', but it does mean that I no longer fully fall for another person. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, deep, deep down and rarely admit it. But I fall quickly and deeply, and never really get over the first person when I fall for another. I know it's bad, but it's just how my brain has been wired. Out there, somewhere, is the man of my dreams. the man that keeps popping up in the most random of places yet I'm sure we haven't met yet.

Random Story

So I'm thinking of writing a new short story (I know, it's been forever) but I want to know if the idea had been done too many times before?

Just check out my first few paragraphs and let me know what you think?

Sorcha looked over Katie Mallory’s unconscious body, unable to do anything. The bruise from her father’s punch was slowly forming over her left eye, the blood from her nose was quickly drying, and yet, the girl looked at peace.  Katie’s mother was crying softly in the room above where her daughter lay, tidying her bedroom in a drastic attempt to calm herself. Her father stared at his own fist, still curled up in anger, after finding his daughter was not his little girl anymore. Sorcha wished that Katie had taken another path in life, one not so damaging to her emotional state.

Sorcha vanished in the blink of an eye, not that anyone in the room had noticed. She ran down the romanesque corridors to the head office. Images of happy children covered the walls, much like a child’s bedroom, an inspiration to all. She tapped on the door at the far end of the corridor, waiting impatiently and catching her breath. The door slowly opened after a few stretched seconds, feeling like an eternity to Sorcha. She walked into the office many fear, the stone desk littered with paperwork, two feather quills resting in an ink pot next to some blotting paper. The rich red carpet lined the floor, the marble fireplace burning a magnificent fire, casting a sunset aura in the room.

“Hmmm,” came a deep voice, slightly threatening, from behind the ornate desk, “Sorcha Silverlight. I have seen you twice already this month, and it’s only the first week. You walk into this office almost as much as a second home. Is this task too much for you? Do you want to be demoted?”

“No, sir.” Replied her timid voice. “It’s about the Mallory’s. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do. No matter how much I try, I cannot get in touch with the human world. Katie is suffering, sir, and I want to help. Nothing in my training prepared me for this!”

“You mean you are unable to make a simple phone call? Or talk to your child?” His voice almost booming.

“Of course I tried, sir. Can you remember your first assignment? Couldn’t the mentors see the implications of this mission? This isn’t fair!” Sorcha slumped down on the soft carpet, much like a teenager throwing a tantrum.

“Get up you spoilt brat! Of course I remember. The child I was first assigned to, died within two days. Black plague. Poor Henry,” He bowed his head with grief, and Sorcha immediately moved to his side to put a comforting arm around his shoulder. “We cannot predict the future, and as Guardian Angels, it is our duty to help as many children in the world as possible."



This is as far as I have gotten in the past half hour (I get distracted)... Comment, email, text, kik me your views. :)

Let's Just Say...

So today wasn't a very good day...

But to try and make me feel better, I went out to town (didn't work), then listened to loads of music. Music has played a major part in my life, not because I'm talented (because I really am not) but I feel that it has saved my life.

I have spent so much of my life listening to angry and depressing music when I have felt the same way, and recently I realised that it doesn't work the same way as happy music does. I even have a playlist for when I feel down because it happens so often. Simple Plan and Eminem, as examples, made me realise that my life isn't as bad as some people's, but then Mika and Destiny's Child are empowering, showing that there's always a bright side to the dark times.

Through the dark, depressing, and self-harming days to my happiest times, on sunny beaches with friends, music has always been there.

R.I.P

Rest in Peace Cory Monteith.

I never watched Glee, and I didn't know the guy in any way, heck I had never heard him until I logged into Facebook earlier today. All I know is that he was a star of Glee and was due to be married in just two weeks. I don't know what possessed him or if the allegations are true but he supposedly died of a drug overdose (unconfirmed so far).

Just because I do not know who the person is, it doesn't mean that I should feel no sympathy towards his family. So many people die everyday (just check wikipedia for the 'celebrity' ones), and it makes me realise just how short our lives are. Cory Monteith was only 31, that's the same age as my older sister...

I remember once that I was feeling really down for a long time and so my friend randomly told me that 2 people die every second and I should be thankful that I'm not one of them. It took a while for it to sink in (a couple of weeks) but I finally got it. Life is short and we don't know when it will end. Why sit in misery when we could be happy, do something everyday or make a small positive change to this world? Well, today was too hot for me, so I sat inside but that doesn't mean I was sad all day.

So, Cory Monteith, you will be missed by many, and even if you didn't realise it, you made so many Glee fans happy with every episode. This tragic incident was unfortunate but maybe his mission in life was completed. Look to the bright side and our thoughts and prayers will be with the family and his fiancee, Lea, at this time.

Respect

So, I have this foster sister, and let's call her Gemma. Now Gemma is a difficult girl. She's 15 years old, but with the mind and body of a child of no more than 10. Heck my youngest sister (who doesn't live with me) is 11 and is physically and mentally more mature.

As I sit here tonight, I realise (not for the first time) that she has no respect for my mum. My mum is a lovely person, but she is getting ill with something that causes immense amounts of pain and no cure. Gemma has no respect for everything my mum has done for her. Gemma's dad left her to look after his mum in London, and my mum took her in so that she didn't need to change to a third secondary school. The nan has since passed on and the dad has no obvious intention to move back and look after her again. Social services got involved at some point and moved her to three or four foster parents, each lasting not much longer than a month, before bringing her back here. Long story short, my mum has looked after her for almost two years (with interruptions) and Gemma is a horrible child. We have changed everything about us to accommodate her, my mum has fallen out with friend's because of her behaviour, I've changed bedrooms three times, we now eat junk food (well I never did but it seems to be the only thing mum buys now because Gemma isn't healthy), I quit my job because I hated coming home to this place, and we even have to make sure someone is home all the time just in case she leaves school early (walks out during the day) or comes home randomly because we don't trust her with a key.

THE MAIN BIT.
If a person has the patience and love to take you in when no one else would or could, should you not show them some respect by behaving? Don't get me wrong, she's had a tough upbringing, but then so have a lot of us. She cries thinking that it's her fault everything is like it is (her dad says so, but he abused her so...), she screams, shouts, starts arguments for no reason, yet when I finish them, I get in trouble because I'm older, stronger and shouldn't lower myself to her level. I know I'm not perfect but I know that I've never been as bad as her.
Let's put this in perspective. This girl doesn't listen and is constantly trying to make us feel bad, to make her feel better. I came back from uni in mid-June and I have considered leaving home three times since then. THAT'S ABOUT ONCE EVERY ONE OR TWO WEEKS! I just have no where to go myself. I because depressed again after being fine for the duration of being at uni. I get stressed and really short tempered.

Now there's a meeting this week to see if she stays or goes (and if I get my dress replaced that she bleached and cut up). Fingers crossed that she goes... Or is better behaved, I don't mind either.