I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.
At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.
I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.
So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.
This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Sunday, 3 May 2015
Sunday, 8 March 2015
My Past and my Present
Sorry for any typing errors, I wrote this on my phone.
When you've lived life being the kid with no friends, the kid with fake friends, you learn to put up a shield. You protect yourself from the world, and the world from you.
Growing up, I was that kid. I was the kid who was too thick to realise she was being picked on, not just by 'friends', but also by teachers. I was socially inept, and I still am. I was untalented. I wasn't special. I was just that kid. The victim of school, the victim of the family. The black sheep, literally.
I was the kid who tried expressing her feelings, but was always told to shut up. I was the one whose voice was never heard. I would be physically and verbally abused by those around me, threatened to stay quiet or more would come. Silenced from the world, I took refuge online.
I had multiple accounts on multiple chat sites. Anywhere to be heard. But whenever someone was kind enough to listen, I thought I felt love. I didn't, but I thought it. I didn't know what love was, I had never received it from my mum, or my family, or my so-called friends. So I would accept that person in my life, no questions asked. I let them in. I let them know who I was. I let them take advantage. I didn't learn and kept doing this for years, with so many people. I had online relationships, and real life ones. All the same.
I was the kid who tried expressing her feelings, but was always told to shut up. I was the one whose voice was never heard. I would be physically and verbally abused by those around me, threatened to stay quiet or more would come. Silenced from the world, I took refuge online.
I had multiple accounts on multiple chat sites. Anywhere to be heard. But whenever someone was kind enough to listen, I thought I felt love. I didn't, but I thought it. I didn't know what love was, I had never received it from my mum, or my family, or my so-called friends. So I would accept that person in my life, no questions asked. I let them in. I let them know who I was. I let them take advantage. I didn't learn and kept doing this for years, with so many people. I had online relationships, and real life ones. All the same.
People say the internet is a bad place. And it really is. But so is the world. I've met paedophiles, rapists, bullies and more. I met some of these in person on occasion. I didn't tell my mum where I went (pretty dangerous at 15) but I didn't care. If I died or was kidnapped, no one would miss me. I was in a bad place. This continued until I was raped at 16, by my boyfriend of the time. And then until 18 when I finally left school. Who would have thought that I wouldn't be free of this until mid way through my second year of university?
At 19 I met John (not his real name). I found someone who said he was like me, but he shut the world out and kept them out. I shut the world out but opened the gates to anyone who ventured closer. We had both been hurt. We quickly started sleeping together, and became close friends. It took him 11 months before he was ready for another relationship, and I patiently waited.
He is the best thing that has happened to me. He takes care of me all the time, he accepts me, he never pushed himself onto me, and he cares. He treats me as if I matter. And I do matter. It took me over 20 years to learn this. When the world shut me out, he's waiting for me with open arms. He truly loves me, and I love him in a way I didn't know existed before.
He hugs me more times in a week than my mum and dad have in a lifetime. He cooks for me and makes sure I eat. He cheers me up when I feel down. He is the most incredible cold hearted person I know. I would do anything for him, and to stay with him. I sound like a 14 year old with their first girlfriend/ boyfriend, but that's how I feel.
I feel like I don't do enough for him, I want to do more but most of his struggles are academic and not something I know anything about.
He is the best thing that has happened to me. He takes care of me all the time, he accepts me, he never pushed himself onto me, and he cares. He treats me as if I matter. And I do matter. It took me over 20 years to learn this. When the world shut me out, he's waiting for me with open arms. He truly loves me, and I love him in a way I didn't know existed before.
He hugs me more times in a week than my mum and dad have in a lifetime. He cooks for me and makes sure I eat. He cheers me up when I feel down. He is the most incredible cold hearted person I know. I would do anything for him, and to stay with him. I sound like a 14 year old with their first girlfriend/ boyfriend, but that's how I feel.
I feel like I don't do enough for him, I want to do more but most of his struggles are academic and not something I know anything about.
I don't know what this post was supposed to be about, but this happened. I can't express how quickly things can change for the better, and with several suicide attempts in my past, along with cutting, I'm glad I didn't give up. In contrast to how I've felt in the past and my circumstances, my every day life is pretty lucky. In the days before I knew how fake my friends were, I thought they were the ray of sunshine to contrast with my home life. I was naive, and I still am but life is a learning process. You get one chance, you can fuck up as much as you like, as long as you stay alive. There's no reset button, no extra lives; your health potions are the people you surround yourself with. Hopefully they're all good and give you the strength to carry on, and not the deceiving ones that make you ill.
Unconditional love, and stay strong all of you lovely people. You are worth it.
Cazzie x
Thursday, 29 January 2015
A Little Something / University Advice and Review
I came to university to discover who I am, to procrastinate whilst accumulating a huge debt, and to find my purpose in life. This is what I've learned over the three years:
Well, we all know I'm failing terribly at my subject. I do much better at academics (somehow, considering I have the attention span of a sieve), and hate my course. I don't know if I should pursue my current aspiration of being a social worker; to help kids in the care system. This is based loosely on the experience of having a foster sister for a few years.
The debt. Why, oh why did I pick the expensive way through life?
I can't spell. In fact it's getting so bad I'm worried that I could be dyslexic. Thank goodness for spell check!
Love life: Let's not delve into the past, but embrace the, oh so confusing, present. I have a major crush on a girl in Florida... I am sleeping with my best guy friend. He doesn't want a relationship due to having major commitment issues, but I've accidentally grown to love him. THERE, I SAID IT! I can't make my heart choose, there are issues with both of them and they each know of the other and how I feel.
Then a friend confessed her crush for me over tumblr. I mean, if she told me in first year, maybe something would have happened?
And the past is an icky place.
Happiness: as a group project, we launched ProjectHappyUK. It's our way of spreading awareness of mental wellbeing within students, who often get stressed. We also worked in partnership with UMHAN, a charity that specialises in this. We did this by making a series of videos, holding bake sales, and giving out hugs and business cards with positive messages on them.
Unfortunately, being bipolar, I have become extremely depressed. I had a very long positive period, and so I am worried about the duration and severity of this episode. It's a shame it had to happen at the end of this project, but I should have known it would creep up on me.
Anime is a great time waster.
Coursework should not be done in the last couple of weeks, but it will be.
Decide on a final project at the beginning, not in the middle when you have no hope of changing it. (This was due to my depression, and lack of general motivation).
Friends don't last forever. But they are always there if you want to reconnect. Also, you will become close to someone during Freshers, and barely speak to them again afterwards.
First impressions are not your only chance. Heck, I told my current lover that I'm a lesbian so that nothing would happen between us, that didn't go to plan.
Being bisexual is complicated, only for explanations. Even at university, many people don't know what it is. Then again, they confuse bipolar disorder with schizophrenia.
Love comes in many forms, and even if the words are not used, there are other ways of showing it.
You pay for damn prescriptions. No more free healthcare for you.
Depending on how you manage your money, and how much you get, your student loan will be a blessing at first, before you realise how much everything costs.
During the most stressful year of university, you will probably have to work as your loan gets cut. Well done SFE, well done. With added stress, I now have less time.
You will not party as much as you thought in your following years.
Running away seems like a good idea at first, until you realise you won't have a degree until you actually finish your course by SUBMITTING EVERYTHING! You might have to repeat your last year. (Genuinely thinking of going to Europe until after my deadlines, maybe Amsterdam or Sweden.)
You will ignore all the advice blogs out there. Even this one.
Know your housemates before you move in, because finding a new place mid-term will make you enemies, and poorer, with added stress.
Costa and Starbucks are expensive if you buy them before and during every class. Stay away or make your own to bring in. Travel mugs are really cute, convenient and cheap in comparison. (They also make quirky vases if you get unexpected flowers.)
Being healthy isn't easy, but buying ingredients instead of ready made meals will MAKE you healthier.
Graduation will be worth all the hard work and stress. And university is a lot more fun than the working world (at least the first two years are).
This was really long so I'll stop now. I seem to have moved on from what I was originally going to write, but that's just how my brain works. Oh, go follow me on tumblr now :) details in the top right.
Well, we all know I'm failing terribly at my subject. I do much better at academics (somehow, considering I have the attention span of a sieve), and hate my course. I don't know if I should pursue my current aspiration of being a social worker; to help kids in the care system. This is based loosely on the experience of having a foster sister for a few years.
The debt. Why, oh why did I pick the expensive way through life?
I can't spell. In fact it's getting so bad I'm worried that I could be dyslexic. Thank goodness for spell check!
Love life: Let's not delve into the past, but embrace the, oh so confusing, present. I have a major crush on a girl in Florida... I am sleeping with my best guy friend. He doesn't want a relationship due to having major commitment issues, but I've accidentally grown to love him. THERE, I SAID IT! I can't make my heart choose, there are issues with both of them and they each know of the other and how I feel.
Then a friend confessed her crush for me over tumblr. I mean, if she told me in first year, maybe something would have happened?
And the past is an icky place.
 |
| Sometimes, I wish I had joined Mike at MU. |
Happiness: as a group project, we launched ProjectHappyUK. It's our way of spreading awareness of mental wellbeing within students, who often get stressed. We also worked in partnership with UMHAN, a charity that specialises in this. We did this by making a series of videos, holding bake sales, and giving out hugs and business cards with positive messages on them.
Unfortunately, being bipolar, I have become extremely depressed. I had a very long positive period, and so I am worried about the duration and severity of this episode. It's a shame it had to happen at the end of this project, but I should have known it would creep up on me.
Anime is a great time waster.
Coursework should not be done in the last couple of weeks, but it will be.
Decide on a final project at the beginning, not in the middle when you have no hope of changing it. (This was due to my depression, and lack of general motivation).
Friends don't last forever. But they are always there if you want to reconnect. Also, you will become close to someone during Freshers, and barely speak to them again afterwards.
First impressions are not your only chance. Heck, I told my current lover that I'm a lesbian so that nothing would happen between us, that didn't go to plan.
Being bisexual is complicated, only for explanations. Even at university, many people don't know what it is. Then again, they confuse bipolar disorder with schizophrenia.
Love comes in many forms, and even if the words are not used, there are other ways of showing it.
You pay for damn prescriptions. No more free healthcare for you.
Depending on how you manage your money, and how much you get, your student loan will be a blessing at first, before you realise how much everything costs.
During the most stressful year of university, you will probably have to work as your loan gets cut. Well done SFE, well done. With added stress, I now have less time.
You will not party as much as you thought in your following years.
Running away seems like a good idea at first, until you realise you won't have a degree until you actually finish your course by SUBMITTING EVERYTHING! You might have to repeat your last year. (Genuinely thinking of going to Europe until after my deadlines, maybe Amsterdam or Sweden.)
You will ignore all the advice blogs out there. Even this one.
Know your housemates before you move in, because finding a new place mid-term will make you enemies, and poorer, with added stress.
Costa and Starbucks are expensive if you buy them before and during every class. Stay away or make your own to bring in. Travel mugs are really cute, convenient and cheap in comparison. (They also make quirky vases if you get unexpected flowers.)
Being healthy isn't easy, but buying ingredients instead of ready made meals will MAKE you healthier.
Graduation will be worth all the hard work and stress. And university is a lot more fun than the working world (at least the first two years are).
This was really long so I'll stop now. I seem to have moved on from what I was originally going to write, but that's just how my brain works. Oh, go follow me on tumblr now :) details in the top right.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Friday, 2 January 2015
Saturday, 6 December 2014
Retrospect
A year ago today was the most stressful and happiest day of my life. It was the day I honestly contemplated suicide because of the situation in university halls. I couldn't take it anymore.
It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.
Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.
A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
It was also the day the people in the office finally let me move out. The tension literally lifted from my shoulders and it was the best feeling in the world.
Now, I'm working on Project Happy with some friends, to bring a bit of that happiness that I felt, to the lives of others, if only momentarily.
A lot can happen in a year, and without the help and support from my friends and family, who knows what my life would be like right now, if it even exists. So I want to say a massive thank you to these people in particular, and send a message to you all. If someone is feeling down, do what you can to help them, you don't know if the situation is minor or major, and you really can make a difference. So please, spread the love.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Thursday, 30 October 2014
There's a Mouse in the House!
I know what I saw.
I don't know what I saw.
It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.
I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.
I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.
I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.
Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x
I don't know what I saw.
It was dark.
I had just turned on the light.
The faint glow ever so slowly getting brighter.
I turn to put my plate on the counter.
I see a shadow.
I see it scurrying.
It turns back towards the oven.
It pokes it's head around the blender.
Its little black beady eyes.
I blink.
It's gone.
I walk back, in panic.
I tell my housemates. Stammering.
The words aren't real.
This can't be real.
"There's- There's a mouse. I saw a mouse. In the kitchen..."
They're in denial.
"You're seeing things. You were hearing things last week too." I'm told.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I didn't see a mouse.
But maybe I did.
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I still refuse to wash up, in case it is back.
I'll wash my dishes when it is daylight again.
I know this isn't how I normally blog. But it had to be done. This happened shortly after dinner today, I saw it as I went to get more food. As you can probably guess, I've hidden myself in my room until morning. Actual morning. And I'm so hungry...I've only eaten breakfast and dinner today. Both were small meals. I'm such a greedy pig, haha xD.
Unconditional love and stay safe from vermin,
Cazzie x
Friday, 3 October 2014
Tokyo Ghoul
THAT ENDING!!!
I need a new season and soon.
So I've realised that the anime I've watched this season all have shocking or rushed endings, and this was a tiny bit of both. Mostly shocking. And so fricking badass!
So, based on the title, take a guess at what this anime is about.
Ghouls in Tokyo? You're right.
So ghouls are born as they are, a separate race from the humans, who live solely on human flesh.
Mini spoiler: Their bodies reject human food.
Humans do not turn into ghouls, and ghouls do not turn into people, but they can pretend to be human and live amongst them. Ghouls almost live in fear of humans, so they blend in and do not let humans know they are ghouls. (Was that a bit repetitive?) So what happens when a human is interested in dating a ghoul? Watch this and find out.
This dark, action anime presents you with the life of Kaneki, a human, living in Tokyo. If you're fine with blood, enjoy action scenes and plenty of rivals, you should give this a chance. Admittedly it gets darker the further in the series it gets, but I liked that about it.
I really don't know what to say without giving away the storyline. The storyline itself is pretty basic but the design and the way it is told is what makes it amazing. I shall just leave you with some images instead.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
<3 OH MY GOD!! I just remembered while looking through images, that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the opening song. I need to buy it ^.^
I need a new season and soon.
So I've realised that the anime I've watched this season all have shocking or rushed endings, and this was a tiny bit of both. Mostly shocking. And so fricking badass!
So, based on the title, take a guess at what this anime is about.
Ghouls in Tokyo? You're right.
 |
| I hate this guy... |
So ghouls are born as they are, a separate race from the humans, who live solely on human flesh.
Mini spoiler: Their bodies reject human food.
Humans do not turn into ghouls, and ghouls do not turn into people, but they can pretend to be human and live amongst them. Ghouls almost live in fear of humans, so they blend in and do not let humans know they are ghouls. (Was that a bit repetitive?) So what happens when a human is interested in dating a ghoul? Watch this and find out.
This dark, action anime presents you with the life of Kaneki, a human, living in Tokyo. If you're fine with blood, enjoy action scenes and plenty of rivals, you should give this a chance. Admittedly it gets darker the further in the series it gets, but I liked that about it.
I really don't know what to say without giving away the storyline. The storyline itself is pretty basic but the design and the way it is told is what makes it amazing. I shall just leave you with some images instead.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
<3 OH MY GOD!! I just remembered while looking through images, that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the opening song. I need to buy it ^.^
Sunday, 10 August 2014
Apologies
So I haven't posted in almost a month, and I'm wondering what I have done in that time.
I didn't get that job I wanted, but I'm not down about it. It just wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, so hopefully I will get one in London when I eventually find somewhere to live and move back.
Family trip to Arundel. So many arguments, not even worth remembering.
I started some more anime series, so I will review them when I finish with each one. They're being aired weekly so you will have to wait for them.
Many trips to London to see my friend. Involves lots of gaming and cuddles :)
BRIGHTON!!! Just for the evening with some friends...
Junk food. My mum doesn't eat as healthily as I do because food tastes crap around here, so now I'm gaining weight...
eBay, where would I be without you? I just bought some shoes for about £10, and the RRP was £75. I'm so happy with that. :3
So I've basically done nothing for a month and this is why I haven't posted. Summer is stupidly long when you get to university, so make sure you have events lined up. One of my friend's went to (oh I forgot the name of the country), to volunteer and medically help children. It's a third world country, but she finds paid work really easy and could afford to do it. I didn't quite have £600 plus spending money, and then sacrifice my electronics.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
I didn't get that job I wanted, but I'm not down about it. It just wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, so hopefully I will get one in London when I eventually find somewhere to live and move back.
Family trip to Arundel. So many arguments, not even worth remembering.
I started some more anime series, so I will review them when I finish with each one. They're being aired weekly so you will have to wait for them.
Many trips to London to see my friend. Involves lots of gaming and cuddles :)
BRIGHTON!!! Just for the evening with some friends...
Junk food. My mum doesn't eat as healthily as I do because food tastes crap around here, so now I'm gaining weight...
eBay, where would I be without you? I just bought some shoes for about £10, and the RRP was £75. I'm so happy with that. :3
So I've basically done nothing for a month and this is why I haven't posted. Summer is stupidly long when you get to university, so make sure you have events lined up. One of my friend's went to (oh I forgot the name of the country), to volunteer and medically help children. It's a third world country, but she finds paid work really easy and could afford to do it. I didn't quite have £600 plus spending money, and then sacrifice my electronics.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Monday, 31 March 2014
APRIL FOOLS!!
Ok, so I have started writing this post at midnight. Exactly on midnight.
1st April. April Fool's Day. Have any plans? I never do.
Back in my school days, my friend had this idea to cut out little fish and stick them on people or put them in belongings. It came from our French teacher saying this is what happens in France, so our friendship group joined in this foreign tradition.
1st April. April Fool's Day. Have any plans? I never do.
Back in my school days, my friend had this idea to cut out little fish and stick them on people or put them in belongings. It came from our French teacher saying this is what happens in France, so our friendship group joined in this foreign tradition.
Then there was the time my friend told her mum that she was pregnant. Her mum's reply was "Hahaha, no one would touch you." BUUUURRRRRRNN!
Anyway, I can't think of any more pranks, my memory is terrible and I'm kind of lame. :P
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Friday, 21 March 2014
"Don't Judge Me"
Don't ask for the impossible.
We are human, we will judge you whether you like it or not. BUT, it is our choice to take that judgement seriously or get to know you before making a proper judgment.
Just hope that more people have positive judgements or ignore their judgement upon first meeting :).
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
We are human, we will judge you whether you like it or not. BUT, it is our choice to take that judgement seriously or get to know you before making a proper judgment.
Just hope that more people have positive judgements or ignore their judgement upon first meeting :).
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Annoying
Ok, so I had to tell someone and explain to them that I am bisexual, yet mostly lesbian. He's a guy. Then his first question was "Do you find me attractive?" I'm sorry, but if I tell you that I'm a lesbian, what makes you think I'll find you attractive?
I always find it really awkward to answer. I mean, are you stupid and will I actually hurt your feelings?
Anyway, some people are easier to tell, and they know. But the ones I'm closest to and don't suspect a thing, the ones where I think they will judge me and where I actually care what they think, they don't know.
 |
| No lie. This was today. |
Anyway, some people are easier to tell, and they know. But the ones I'm closest to and don't suspect a thing, the ones where I think they will judge me and where I actually care what they think, they don't know.
 |
| Emily and Maya in PLL. |
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Thursday, 13 March 2014
I Was A Boy
Not quite...
So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.
So yeah, I thought I was a boy when I was really young. I thought I would share this as I haven't thought about it until recently, and I'm currently trying to work out who I am. I know who I am right now, but I need to know who I used to be. If I can accept myself, I can love myself more. And that's all that matters.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
So, I have a rare memory from when I was very young (you know how I can't remember most of my childhood?) and it's from when I must have been about three or four. It's one of my clearest memories, because I can put myself back there.
I was sitting on the floor in my second house, by the living room door. My dad was standing next to me and my mum was behind me on the sofa. For some reason I was facing the wall, away from my parents. I remember wearing black leggings, as I spread my legs and looked down below. I thought I had a penis. I also had an awkwardly placed hole in my leggings.
"Mum, am I a boy?"
I looked round to her as she replied, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
I replied, "Because I have a willy."
I wasn't wearing underwear. I must have been at the age where my mum trusted me to dress myself but I wasn't exactly good at remembering everything I had to wear.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
This Is Strange..
I am finding less and less people attractive. Ok, that came out wrong.
What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.
G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.
Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.
I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.
I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
What I mean is, I still find people attractive, but I don't find myself attracted to them. Make sense?
Take, Dan Howell for example. He has the cutest dimples, he is attractive and is usually the type of guy I would like.
G Dragon. From the beginning I have felt something. It's not necessarily physical but I love the way he looks. I'm contradicting myself too much... But with both of these guys, I want to hug them. In the past, I would fantasize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Now I only think of friendship. Nothing more.
Now there's this girl I like. We text all the time and she's so adorably cute. Yes I want to be with her, but I can't tell if it's physical or not. I think about her all the time, but I want to leave it a while before we go any further because I don't want to find that we're better as friends, or I don't actually have these feelings... Every relationship requires some physical attraction (a mistake I made several times in the past), but underneath that, there has to be a connection.
I think I might just be a lesbian. I've always liked girls, but I have had crushes on guys too. But recently 'guy friends' have been putting me off them, by getting too close to me. By trying to be close, it's pushing me away. Oh, and I never came out to my parents... So this could be interesting if we date.
I don't even know what this post is anymore. Just a little bit of venting I guess.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Monday, 10 March 2014
Body Image
I know I will probably get some hate over this, but I don't really care. These are my opinions and should not be taken too seriously.
Like most girls my age, I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, so my views on beauty are probably as messed up as society, BUT I don't think you need to be stick thin to be perfect. Or as near to perfect as a person can be.
I have one rule on being 'slim' and that is to not allow my stomach to be bigger than my breasts. It used to be as a child, not because I was fat, but because I didn't eat right. I looked like the malnourished children in Africa, that they show on tv. Just, not as severe. I grew up with a little piece of advice I read in a magazine at 12, which was a simple way of toning your stomach. This is basically sucking it in or tensing it whenever you walk somewhere, and only relaxing when seated or laying down. Simple enough, right? Trust me, it works. I had the tightest stomach out my my friends who didn't work out.
Later in life (aged 18) I finally joined the gym. I was going to join at a much younger age (15) but the joining fees were high and my dad didn't think I would stick to it so wouldn't pay up. My best friend, however, became obsessed with losing weight. We started off at the same size, UK 8-10, but within a year, she became smaller than me while my breasts increased causing me to buy larger tops (that's my excuse anyway). So now I join the gym for 3 months at a time, and have a couple of months off during the university holidays. I got more toned, and my breasts shrunk to a C/D cup. Whoo, I can buy size 10 tops again xD.
That was completely off topic. I was going to go on about how fat people shouldn't let themselves get like that. Like, if you have wings instead of arms, can't fit through the tube doors (small end-of-carriage doors), or have difficulty walking and breathing, you have a major problem. If you are my version of 'slim', I don't care if you're size 8 or 16, you're beautiful. Screw Barbie and her ideas of being plastic. Just don't get so small that you look like a twig that I could snap with two fingers...
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
(I might do a part two of me actually ranting about this issue.)
Like most girls my age, I grew up playing with Barbie dolls, so my views on beauty are probably as messed up as society, BUT I don't think you need to be stick thin to be perfect. Or as near to perfect as a person can be.
I have one rule on being 'slim' and that is to not allow my stomach to be bigger than my breasts. It used to be as a child, not because I was fat, but because I didn't eat right. I looked like the malnourished children in Africa, that they show on tv. Just, not as severe. I grew up with a little piece of advice I read in a magazine at 12, which was a simple way of toning your stomach. This is basically sucking it in or tensing it whenever you walk somewhere, and only relaxing when seated or laying down. Simple enough, right? Trust me, it works. I had the tightest stomach out my my friends who didn't work out.
Later in life (aged 18) I finally joined the gym. I was going to join at a much younger age (15) but the joining fees were high and my dad didn't think I would stick to it so wouldn't pay up. My best friend, however, became obsessed with losing weight. We started off at the same size, UK 8-10, but within a year, she became smaller than me while my breasts increased causing me to buy larger tops (that's my excuse anyway). So now I join the gym for 3 months at a time, and have a couple of months off during the university holidays. I got more toned, and my breasts shrunk to a C/D cup. Whoo, I can buy size 10 tops again xD.
 |
| Barbie vs average person |
That was completely off topic. I was going to go on about how fat people shouldn't let themselves get like that. Like, if you have wings instead of arms, can't fit through the tube doors (small end-of-carriage doors), or have difficulty walking and breathing, you have a major problem. If you are my version of 'slim', I don't care if you're size 8 or 16, you're beautiful. Screw Barbie and her ideas of being plastic. Just don't get so small that you look like a twig that I could snap with two fingers...
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
(I might do a part two of me actually ranting about this issue.)
Monday, 3 March 2014
Don't You Get It?
Just a little rant/story of today.
So I was in university (as usual) and this guy in my lecture spoke to me between that and our seminar, and we ended up buying a smoothie down the road. He paid for it and everything, but the longer I spoke to him, the more I thought he was into me..
We got back in the building and had ten minutes to spare, so we spoke some more. He was thrilled to find out about where my family come from, and his family is from a neighboring country. Then we somehow spoke about the 'guys' I'm into. I never outright said that I'm not currently into guys (and maybe I should have), but I did mention Korea and Japan a lot. Then he invited me out for dinner Thursday. Now, I'm used to just going out for dinner with friends casually, so I agreed.
We went to our respective rooms and I later saw him on my way back from lunch. The hugged me and went to (I assume) kiss my lips but I moved so he caught my cheek. He checked that I would text him later today (whoops, I forgot until I typed that), and we left at that as he was going home, and I had work to go through.
This gets me thinking. If I say I'm *only* into East Asian Guys (exclude girls for a second), and you're half Jew/ half African, then I'm not interested.
Also, is this now a date?!
I'm so clueless about these things..
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
So I was in university (as usual) and this guy in my lecture spoke to me between that and our seminar, and we ended up buying a smoothie down the road. He paid for it and everything, but the longer I spoke to him, the more I thought he was into me..
We got back in the building and had ten minutes to spare, so we spoke some more. He was thrilled to find out about where my family come from, and his family is from a neighboring country. Then we somehow spoke about the 'guys' I'm into. I never outright said that I'm not currently into guys (and maybe I should have), but I did mention Korea and Japan a lot. Then he invited me out for dinner Thursday. Now, I'm used to just going out for dinner with friends casually, so I agreed.
 |
| I'm pretty sure everyone knows about my love for G Dragon. |
This gets me thinking. If I say I'm *only* into East Asian Guys (exclude girls for a second), and you're half Jew/ half African, then I'm not interested.
Also, is this now a date?!
I'm so clueless about these things..
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Anime
Do I watch too much anime? Well..... Is there such a thing? ;3
Probably. This is procrastination at its best. And considering the amount of work I have to do, this list is a bit much. Since starting back at uni at the beginning of the month, I have watched:
Pandora Hearts
Yumikui Merry
Special A
Mayo Chiki
Kaichou wa Maid-sama!
Mirai Nikki
Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna
Loveless
11eyes
Pandora Hearts
Yumikui Merry
Special A
Mayo Chiki
Kaichou wa Maid-sama!
Mirai Nikki
Spiral: Suiri no Kizuna
Loveless
11eyes
 |
 |
| Yumekui Merry |
 |
| Special A - Sakura |
 |
| Spiral |
 |
| Loveless |
 |
| 11eyes |
Starry Sky
To Love-Ru
Moonphase
Maria Holic
MM!
Yuru Yuri
So um... Maybe I started these around Christmas actually, the list seems a bit long for two weeks... Make that almost two months. :) And these are what I actually remember, my laptop history doesn't seem to go back very far...
How do you procrastinate? Do you watch anime too?
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Cazzie x
Monday, 17 February 2014
Pretty Little Liars
This is one of about 5/6 shows I watch on a regular basis, when they're aired of course. I follow the programme online as I don't seem to be able to find it on TV in my country, plus I like to watch things around my schedule, not the broadcasters.
I know that most people write reviews and such after the season or show has finished, or after a mid-season finale, yet I am writing a little now. Because I'm that normal :P.
Anyway, we're well into season 4, and it's getting as good as season 1 now :D. It's a show that follows these four friends, starting a year after their friend, Ali's, death. Ali brought these girls together in life, and now they stay together because of the person that calls him/herself, A. The seasons have gone through many suspects, 4(?) more deaths, a series of love interests and many twists and turns. The last episode I watched, made me gasp, and wonder what A has planned next. The more the girls dig for clues, and get closer to finding out the truth, the worse the consequences.
This show has taken us from beautiful Rosewood, to the creepy Ravenswood, and everywhere in between. No place is safe, and it has even made me a little more aware of what goes on around me. Only a little. ;)
We *think* we know who Red Coat is, but we still don't have all the answers. I don't want to release any spoilers with my other questions so: Why/what was Ali hiding? Who are all the people in her diary? And what else are the girls hiding?
There's supposed to be another season after this, and hopefully between now and then, everything will make sense.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
I know that most people write reviews and such after the season or show has finished, or after a mid-season finale, yet I am writing a little now. Because I'm that normal :P.
 |
| Spencer, Hanna (blonde), Aria and Emily. |
 |
| Aria |
 |
| Ali |
We *think* we know who Red Coat is, but we still don't have all the answers. I don't want to release any spoilers with my other questions so: Why/what was Ali hiding? Who are all the people in her diary? And what else are the girls hiding?
 |
| Spencer |
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Religion vs Good People
I consider myself to be religious, yet not really religious.
I believe in God, was brought up in a Christian family and went to Catholic schools. However, I stopped going to church regularly from the age when I was allowed to stay home alone. Both my parents go to church each week, but to different denominations. My mum goes to the Salvation Army while my dad is a Pentecostal, speaking in tongues, gospel singing kind of guy.
I do not think that religious people are good. Maybe I've had a few too many run ins with religious people that I do not like. Both my parents have abused me at some point in my life, luckily not at the same time. The man who got me kicked out my house was supposedly extremely religious. Oh, and I've been called a 'bad Christian'.
I may not go to church, but I still believe. I pray for others, and sometimes for my pain to go away. I try not to be selfish, but there's only so much a human can do. I'm not perfect and I accept that. I give to charity when I can, but as a student, I am often in debt and asking my dad to help me out financially with the intention to pay him back.
I think that as long as you try to be a good person, you will go to Heaven. Religion aside. It's your intentions that count, not if you force others to believe a religion you pretend to believe in. Yes, God may be with you in every step of your life, but please, don't tell me there's someone watching over my shoulder all the time. That's just creepy.
There are too many people out there that go to church and think that's all they need to do. They do not give to charity, they do not consider others and are not nice people.
*I went to my dad's church once and they said "If you have any money with you, you must give it to the church. It's what God wants."* I mean, what if you just received a late birthday card and it had a little bit of money in it? You expect me to give you a gift that was intended for me? Heck no! They looked down on me when I emptied my pockets to prove I had no money with me at all. (Never make a ten year old feel poor for not carrying cash.)
I'm sorry, but in my eyes, forcing and pressurising others to come to your church and believe in God is not being religious. 'Love thy neighbour', surely as they are? Jesus didn't discriminate against the Jews for not following him, so why should we shun the non-believers?
We have so many religions, so why can't we accept that instead of implying 'Our religion is the only true religion'. No, the basic foundations are all the same. Three pillars that I forgot from Religious Studies; Charity being the only one I remember.
 |
| I can't tell if he looks bored or judgmental? Probably neither. |
I believe in God, was brought up in a Christian family and went to Catholic schools. However, I stopped going to church regularly from the age when I was allowed to stay home alone. Both my parents go to church each week, but to different denominations. My mum goes to the Salvation Army while my dad is a Pentecostal, speaking in tongues, gospel singing kind of guy.
I do not think that religious people are good. Maybe I've had a few too many run ins with religious people that I do not like. Both my parents have abused me at some point in my life, luckily not at the same time. The man who got me kicked out my house was supposedly extremely religious. Oh, and I've been called a 'bad Christian'.
I may not go to church, but I still believe. I pray for others, and sometimes for my pain to go away. I try not to be selfish, but there's only so much a human can do. I'm not perfect and I accept that. I give to charity when I can, but as a student, I am often in debt and asking my dad to help me out financially with the intention to pay him back.
I think that as long as you try to be a good person, you will go to Heaven. Religion aside. It's your intentions that count, not if you force others to believe a religion you pretend to believe in. Yes, God may be with you in every step of your life, but please, don't tell me there's someone watching over my shoulder all the time. That's just creepy.
There are too many people out there that go to church and think that's all they need to do. They do not give to charity, they do not consider others and are not nice people.
*I went to my dad's church once and they said "If you have any money with you, you must give it to the church. It's what God wants."* I mean, what if you just received a late birthday card and it had a little bit of money in it? You expect me to give you a gift that was intended for me? Heck no! They looked down on me when I emptied my pockets to prove I had no money with me at all. (Never make a ten year old feel poor for not carrying cash.)
I'm sorry, but in my eyes, forcing and pressurising others to come to your church and believe in God is not being religious. 'Love thy neighbour', surely as they are? Jesus didn't discriminate against the Jews for not following him, so why should we shun the non-believers?
We have so many religions, so why can't we accept that instead of implying 'Our religion is the only true religion'. No, the basic foundations are all the same. Three pillars that I forgot from Religious Studies; Charity being the only one I remember.
So can we all just try to be good people? Pretty please?
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
I Miss The Snow D:
This time last year, we had snow. Lot's of it.
Despite it being cold and how I get cold really easily, I still love snow. Last January (2013), I went around Hyde Park with my camera and took some photographs until my fingers practically died. I only got 43 images haha. Think about that number in comparison to about 400 pictures of just fruit during a shoot.
So yeah.
Snow makes the park look really beautiful, and after the end of 2013, I think I need something beautiful to distract me ;3.
Anyway, this is an image that I really like, and photography being subjective and controversial as it is, I've also had to watermark it quickly, just in case.
Despite it being cold and how I get cold really easily, I still love snow. Last January (2013), I went around Hyde Park with my camera and took some photographs until my fingers practically died. I only got 43 images haha. Think about that number in comparison to about 400 pictures of just fruit during a shoot.
So yeah.
Snow makes the park look really beautiful, and after the end of 2013, I think I need something beautiful to distract me ;3.
Anyway, this is an image that I really like, and photography being subjective and controversial as it is, I've also had to watermark it quickly, just in case.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
Monday, 20 January 2014
My Bad
So, I decided to read back through some of my blog posts tonight.
And I am so sorry!!!
My spelling is terrible. I usually write all my blog posts in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or just before bed. This means that I'm extremely tired and reading back through what I write doesn't do much good.
Please bear with me. I might have to start writing my posts one day, and edit and publish them the next day. I'm usually so careful with spelling and grammar, but apparently not on here.
And I am so sorry!!!
My spelling is terrible. I usually write all my blog posts in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or just before bed. This means that I'm extremely tired and reading back through what I write doesn't do much good.
Please bear with me. I might have to start writing my posts one day, and edit and publish them the next day. I'm usually so careful with spelling and grammar, but apparently not on here.
I know, I know. There shouldn't be any excuses... I'll try to be better.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
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