He Left

My Dad has left.

I know I haven't lived with him in ages, and he separated from my mum when I was two, but this time he's gone for good. I got a call Sunday morning from him to explain that he was about to board a plane to Ghana. A one way ticket...

My dad is throwing away the past 20-odd years, 3 girls, 2 ex-wives and a minimum of 2 houses. (I always thought he had more because he had 5 at one point.) My youngest sister is 12!! I'm not through with university, and with my funding cut next year, I don't know how I will cope without his financial support. Then there's the fact that when I'm with my mum over summer, I can't just walk round to visit him. I can't call his phone whenever I need him.

My dad didn't just leave home. He didn't just leave town. He didn't just leave the country either. He changed freaking continents... >.< Maybe I should add him back on facebook?

Annyway,
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Catfish

It's not a fish that look like a cat....

I mean people that pretend to be others online. Seen the movie or TV series called Catfish with Niv? 

Basically, the internet is a really easy place to pretend to be someone else. And some people create friendships and more with catfish, without realising, obviously. I met this girl online once, and we've become great friends, but when we first met, she pretended to be a 19 y/o guy. She's 12... She told me within a couple of weeks, must have gotten confused as she spoke to me as herself and 'her older cousin' and her information got muddled up.

It's so easy, see what I mean? The internet is full of people who don't like themselves, or their lives, and so they create a new persona. As long as you don't intend to harm anyone, or love them, there shouldn't be a problem. But what if the other person falls for you? How do you come clean? And can a friendship be based on what is essentially a pack of lies?

Just think about it. And be careful on the interwebs.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

I Failed

For the first time in my life, I have failed at something that I sort of cared about. I'm usually pretty lucky as I get my own way a lot, but this shocked me.

So, I applied for extenuating circumstances on one piece of coursework last semester, and handed it in a week late due to the drama and fear of living in the previous flat last November. That led to me not doing any work at all. I was given false information throughout the process, and when my results came through last Wednesday, it turns out that I got a big fat ZERO. I've never had a zero in my life, and it had to happen in my second year of university.

I am now taking an extra subject this semester, with readings for another subject. This brings me up to almost double the amount of work I usually do, and now I have to resubmit my work in August.

But I've been told that it is possible to trail one module into my third year anyway, and that I shouldn't stress too much. Now I just want to know why my request was rejected. I'm not going to let this get me down, I will find out why it was rejected the first time round, if I need to put much effort in incase the work is capped at 40% and I will get the work done again.

This is how I think, when something puts me down, I just think 'Is there a way around this hurdle?' because everything happens for a reason, right? I feel that I am destined for greater things, and no matter what gets in my way, I will achieve it. My motivation may lack sometimes, but if something is meant to be, then I will get there.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Relieved

I finally got to move out today. Basically  I walked into the housing office and told them that they forgot to call me and arrange a meeting, so we had it right then and there. I was brought to tears again, accused to breaking into a room, and of cyberbullying.
I stormed off crying and shouting something along the lines of "You claim to provide a safe environment to live in yet I've been living in fear for the past month! [...] If you don't do something about this, I will drop out of uni altogether because this is too much stress! I have a deadline on Monday and due to the circumstances I am unable to complete my work in time."

I cried for a while, staring out at the water and City Airport, then called my personal tutor for some advice.
I went to my tutors office, and spoke, then he asked me to leave the room for a few minutes to talk to someone else that had entered.

I then recieved a call from housing, telling me some stuff about a room being available, in which I replied "I should hope so, you guys have driven me to thoughts of suicide, and quitting the one thing I actually want to do[...] Let me calm down first." I was still too angry, and encounters with that man always make me worse. (It really doesn't help that almost everyone I saw that day was male.)

I went to the office with my tutor, who was also trying to get me an extension on a piece of coursework, so that it is complete, even if it is not to the standard that I wanted it to be at. He checked that they were in fact giving me a room, and they gave me the keys to have a look at it. I asked my tutor to come with me as I was still feeling a bit off, and so he did. Getting into another flat made me feel so much better already, and so I accepted the offer and started moving things in, packing and cleaning my old room and then bringing it all over with the help of a couple of friends.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I noticed that I have turned back into my old self again, quite quickly. I have a spring in my step, I'm smiling already and made my first proper meal in about a month (from scratch, none of those jars and frozen rubbish).

I am truly grateful to everyone that has helped and supported me through this time, my family, friends, my personal tutor, and now I found out that the one 'impartial' person in my flat was actually on my side. Shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Life Lessons #6

CONFRONTATION

Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.

As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.

The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.

The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.

I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.

Oopsies

Right, so last night I was really annoyed with a couple of people in my flat, and I wrote a note to stick onto my cupboard. Basically setting some simple and easy to follow ground rules on keeping the kitchen nice. One was to not leave dishes in the sink for hours and hours on end (aimed at Mel and Phil), others were to do with the bins, putting away rubbish, etc. Just basic stuff really.

So no one really noticed until this evening, and Mel seemed to get really pissed off with me. She kept quizzing me on 'no smoking inside when it's really cold'. It's against our contract to smoke inside anyway, plus I get cold very quickly.

Also, it was more the way she behaved, throwing stuff into the sink really loudly. Clearing the whole table in a huff. Chucking out everything, probably to see if she would get a reaction out of us.

You see, I generally don't get along with girls. They irritate me, act all whiney all the time (I might be like this one though), lie about everything, wear loads of make up and barely any clothes. I'm a tomboy, all through school, most of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. Although my second two closest friends are girls, I'm no good at keeping in contact with them.

So I've just gone completely off the point, and I shall leave you there.

Night night my lovelies x

University #5

Now for the story of about two weeks ago. As I have vaguely listed those that I live with, I'm going to use those names and assume you know who they are even though you really don't know these people.

Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.

One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.

When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.

For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.

I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.

*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x

University #4

Life sucks. Welcome to the side of me that I hate..

I have no job, I found out that I only have £600 to spend until christmas because my rent is so expensive, and I need to live off that for 3 months :(

I was feeling ill, so asked someone to make me dinner, he then calls and says its really disrespectful because he has a girlfriend? I mean, can I not be your friend anymore, last I remember, YOU were OFFERING to make me dinner.
That made me feel guilty and now I'm in this damn pit, a dark, lifeless pit of despair.

Oh, someone has used my cheese in the past day, then put in on another persons shelf...
And someone (else?) has used my dish sponge to clean all the burnt stuff off of their pans. We have more sponges than people in this flat, use that! Worst thing is, I'm 98% sure of who did it, and she won't freaking admit it.

This is putting a downer on my day, and possibly on the weekend, and rest of the damn month. Just because I don't advertise that I'm bipolar, it doesn't mean that I'm sane and will take this with a pinch of salt like I usually do.

All of this combined is making me depressed. >.<


I'm gonna go cry now, bye. D':

Hypocrites / Pet Peeves

Don't you hate it when someone says 'I really like someone with.....' And then they date the opposite? I do that :/

My friend just posted on Twitter that he likes girls with an ass. His girlfriend is a stick...

So... 20 Things I hate about people... :

1. People that text/message you first then take forever to reply.
2. Having different personalities when they talk to different people (going from something to quiet is fine though), I mean being really girly with some friends, then acting like a tomboy/rebel with others.
3. Having bare feet, especially around me.
4. Ditching you to live alone but ending up living with other people. Just tell me the fricking truth. >.<
5. Smokers.
6. Druggies.
7. People with no self respect.
8. Assuming people's sexuality (yes we all do it, but explicitly mentioning it in a conversation like "as a girl, what do you look for in a guy?" [or girl]).
9. Music too loud when I want to sleep.
10. Being inconsiderate.
11. 'Fake' people.
12. PDA! (Public Displays of Affection.)
13. Hating someone before knowing them.
14. Hating on a stereotype (gays).
15. Rudeness.
16. Making up things about their past.
17. Criminals. 
18. Too much make-up.
19. Grammatically incorrect, all the time. (How did you get into university?)
20. Overly egotistic.