A few weeks ago, I was extremely stressed. It was deadline time and all I knew was that I couldn't finish my work in time. I would cry and feel numb. Let me tell you, feeling numb is the worst feeling in the world. I tried everything I could to feel something - anything. I ate shit loads of sugar, I cried, I spoke to people. And nothing helped. Even when I reached out to my boyfriend, I made him feel worse. The numbness made me not care about the world, not care about me or anybody else. I would get the uncontrollable urge to cut. I tried not to. I carried out 4 of my 6 steps that my therapist gave me to try before cutting. I couldn't do the other two because I didn't have the stuff around. I tried to stop myself for 2 hours. The urge wouldn't go away.
Pain is the only thing that made me feel anything. I hate the marks I left on my skin. I hate the feeling of failure once the deed is done. I felt so weak. It was the first and only time my boyfriend ever got angry with me. But it wasn't all bad. I had emotions again, I could feel. The relief of pressure. FEELING ALIVE. It’s a reminder that I have something to live for. That everything is temporary and things get better.
Self-harm doesn't just damage your skin, it can damage the feelings of those around you. Those who love you, they don't understand how cutting can be a good thing. In moderation and not deep. Scars aren't a sign of weakness, but a reminder of overcoming your greatest fears and obstacles. It’s personal.
Unconditional love,
Cazzie x
I submitted this to a blog through my tumblr: http://aprianna.tumblr.com/
Remember, seek help if you're going through any mental health issues, no matter how minor. Just be completely honest with your doctor because no one should suffer in silence.
