G-D & T.O.P

So I might be having a little obsession over G-Dragon and T.O.P!

Their music and fashion, and G-D's face and voice. OMG, I'm practically falling in love. So husky and smooth at the same time. I don't know how to explain it. I just love his voice.

I read an old interview last night about how he treats girls, whether he's dating them or not. He's like the perfect guy, and doesn't think twice about being a gentleman, it's just him.

I spent the entirety of last week (with the exception of when I wasn't able to gt on YouTube) going through all of their videos together.

Can I hug him now? Just a hug? A little one...

If I could meet GD, I would either fangirl so much, or pretend not to care and explode with happiness on the inside. I mean, his perfectly chiseled cheekbones and straight nose. It's probably all make up but I don't care.

And he's so quirky. I love his fluffy black hat,it goes almost everywhere with him. Oh and most importantly, his English is amazing :D *dies from excitement*

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

I Miss Home

So Christmas season is upon us, and I am yet to go home and celebrate with my family even though university is over. I miss my bedroom so much, and the past couple of months have been too eventful, (I know I said I would post everything, but I haven't revealed the full story yet) but I wanted to share a couple of images of my room with you.

 I'm almost Japanese, haha. These are the kanji for 'star', 'water' and 'love'. I know the words seem an odd combination, but these are what I was taught at a japanese festival and my first ever attempt at writing kanji. The brush strokes may be a bit off, but if I keep practicing, I should get better. And I always have my japanese friend to help me :)

This is my name in katakana. It can be written two ways, and mine is supposed to have an extra symbol to show that the 'ri' part of my name is slightly longer, so Carina becomes 'カリーナ' and the 'i' is pronounced slightly longer than in my image. I just love how japanese is written, and so I have these in my bedroom to remind me of how happy east asians always are. They're always smiling, I don't think I've ever seen one sad.

This is all for now, I may show more snippets of my room later on (when I get bored).

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This is AMAZING!!!

So a couple of days ago, I found this and thought that I must share it with you.

There's a Korean photographer/artist called Jee Young Lee who creates wonderful scenes from her tiny studio room.

Each scene can take up to months to create, but I'm sure you'll think the time is worth it.

What's better is that she does not use Photoshop at all with any of these photographs. That's rare these days.

There are loads more if you just Google her name. So what do you think? Is the effort worth it?

I sure think so.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Relieved

I finally got to move out today. Basically  I walked into the housing office and told them that they forgot to call me and arrange a meeting, so we had it right then and there. I was brought to tears again, accused to breaking into a room, and of cyberbullying.
I stormed off crying and shouting something along the lines of "You claim to provide a safe environment to live in yet I've been living in fear for the past month! [...] If you don't do something about this, I will drop out of uni altogether because this is too much stress! I have a deadline on Monday and due to the circumstances I am unable to complete my work in time."

I cried for a while, staring out at the water and City Airport, then called my personal tutor for some advice.
I went to my tutors office, and spoke, then he asked me to leave the room for a few minutes to talk to someone else that had entered.

I then recieved a call from housing, telling me some stuff about a room being available, in which I replied "I should hope so, you guys have driven me to thoughts of suicide, and quitting the one thing I actually want to do[...] Let me calm down first." I was still too angry, and encounters with that man always make me worse. (It really doesn't help that almost everyone I saw that day was male.)

I went to the office with my tutor, who was also trying to get me an extension on a piece of coursework, so that it is complete, even if it is not to the standard that I wanted it to be at. He checked that they were in fact giving me a room, and they gave me the keys to have a look at it. I asked my tutor to come with me as I was still feeling a bit off, and so he did. Getting into another flat made me feel so much better already, and so I accepted the offer and started moving things in, packing and cleaning my old room and then bringing it all over with the help of a couple of friends.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I noticed that I have turned back into my old self again, quite quickly. I have a spring in my step, I'm smiling already and made my first proper meal in about a month (from scratch, none of those jars and frozen rubbish).

I am truly grateful to everyone that has helped and supported me through this time, my family, friends, my personal tutor, and now I found out that the one 'impartial' person in my flat was actually on my side. Shhh, I'm not supposed to know ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

R.I.P Mandela

Nelson Mandela was a truly inspirational person, he brought freedom and equality to South Africa.

I know that he did not live in my country.
I do not know if he even had any influence on my life.
I do know that so many people around the world have huge amounts of respect for him.
I may learn very little in history class, but I wish I had learned more about this man. Just his death being 'Breaking News' shows how much love everyone had for him. Unconditional love and respect for a person who they may not have ever met in their lives. And that is what makes a great person.

If people can love you, and support you even in prison, then you will be great. Use your time and choose your words carefully, be true to yourself and do not seek revenge on those who torture you. Forgive but never forget, as the past defines who you are.

Being reminded how kindhearted some people can be, and also reminded of what this man had gone through and never lost faith in people shows how everyone can be strong and good, no matter what happens in life.

Now go out and live your beautiful lives, because Nelson Mandela would want you to be the best you can be.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

(I might start signing off like this from now on)

I hate this

The stress is just too much now. I know I haven't explained anything really on here, but I am seriously considering dropping out of uni, retaking the year or ending my life.

I swore, after Aaron's death just over 2 years ago, that I would never let myself get that depressed again. This past month and a bit has thrown me into a downward spiral of despair, I don't know what to do. I have cried more times each week since September, than I have in the past few years. I almost self-harmed again, I panic when I see 'resemblances' of her, walk the long way home just so I can't be seen from my flat and dread going home. I barely even eat in my flat anymore. I don't go in my kitchen if I know or think someone else is in there too.

My housing office will not let me move out, I have no time to catch up and get my work in on time, and I'm just panicking now. My deadline for this essay is four days, and I've barely started it... Obviously will be handed in either unfinished, at a rubbish standard or not at all.

It has gotten to the point where BOTH my parents are working TOGETHER the help me sort this. And if you have divorced parents, you know how rare this actually is.

So, I just collapsed on my bed and cried for the past 20 minutes, and I must say, despite having so many people backing me up, all I want is a hug and I feel like I have no one to contact at midnight... My family all live over an hour away by car, and longer by public transport, any friends that I may visit or come here will not be able to get back home and the two people I am close to (distance), I have been there too much and feel like I'm bugging them as they have the same deadlines as me and have gone through something similar but worse recently.

I will now leave this depressing post to be forever lost in cyber space.

So Late...

So about a month ago, I said this 'I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...Later. Much later.' (2nd November 2013, just scroll down)
And so I thought I should at least explain one of these. 

I have a job. Not quite sure if it's paid :/ and I know I haven't got any money, but I enjoy working there so it doesn't matter so much. If I hated it, I wouldn't stay even if I did get paid, but I love it, so yeah.

I work in a TV Studio called The Sporah Show. I don't think I can post much online about it (my manager told me not to upload photos to facebook without permission, but I don't even take any photos haha). I started on the 29th October, and I get to meet all these lovely celebrities from Africa, and some from the UK too.

They are usually so interesting to talk to, and the host, Sporah, has her own tale to tell. (Sssh, I didn't say anything.) We have business men/women, models, actors, musicians, writers and loads more. Admittedly I have never seen the show itself, just snippets from youtube (I don't have a TV or license), but behind the scenes are so funny. It's almost like another family, so I felt welcomed as soon as I arrived.

If I have to compare the show to any others (not that I watch TV), I would say that it's like Graham Norton's show, Oprah, and even Alan Carr: Chatty Man.

I'm still undecided on what I want to pursue as a career in the future, this is definitely fun, but I don't think I would be able to do this all the time. It's only for one day a week, and I have university to finish first. Anyway, check out the show's website and let me know what you think. 

Oh, and new episodes are aired every Tuesday at 8pm on VOX AFRICA, Sky Channel 218. There are two more repeats during the week too ;)

University #6

I think I am now ready to explain what happened last week. (Sorry I haven't posted in a while.)

It all started from when we first moved in together. There's this one girl (I think I called her Mel in another post), and she kept leaving her washing up in the sink that we are all supposed to use. Mel also left her rubbish bin in the hallway, for up to three weeks in which Brian put it in the bin for her. BRIAN DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE, HE GOES TO A DIFFERENT UNI!
Oh, and have I mentioned that she often leaves her stuff in her bedroom long enough for it to grow mold? Then laughs and leaves it in the kitchen. I'M ALLERGIC TO MOLD :(

So, Mel went home for the weekend. She left the sink full of her stuff. She put a bin bag in the hallway three days before she left. Friday afternoon (she left that morning), we noticed all this and decided that enough was enough. She had told all of us that she loves cleaning, and that's the one thing she has NEVER done here.

Being sick of everything being left, and living in almost filth, we opened up two of her cupboards. One of them just had a plastic mixing bowl on the top shelf, so Brian put the small bin bag on the bottom shelf. I collected the bag from the hallway and put it on the kitchen floor. Shanay either handed Brian the bag or put it in the cupboard herself.
Let's clear some things up, Lizzy, James, Shanay, Brian and I were all in the kitchen at this point.
Brian then moved all of Mel's food to the top shelf of the other cupboard (amazing packing skills, I must say). Lizzy handed him the pots and pans, while James and I emptied them all. Brian continued to pack all of her stuff into this cupboard.
We all played our part.

Mel came home Sunday evening, found out what happened and used 'kik' to exclaim her outrage. Unfortunately, due to changing my phone (it was in for repair and my tablet no longer has these messages), I cannot prove anything, but the it was a group conversation and so someone will have these still.
Monday, Mel decided to have a meeting with everyone. I was out. Doing photography. I was recieving texts during a photoshoot telling me that Mel hates the fact that I wasn't home, and she's angry with us all.
Tuesday (I was at work all day), Mel moves out. I was home at 8pm-ish (that's early for me) and saw her finish emptying the fridge and freezer, with a shopping trolley. She didn't say a word to me.

Apparently, Shanay said that everything was Brian's fault, and that she had nothing to do with it. It took James and Lizzy a lot of effort to also clear Phil's name.

Now this story is long and I promise to finish it tomorrow. At least, very soon. Something happened Wednesday and so I shall leave that for another post.

Goodnight my lovelies ^.^ x

EXO - European Music Awards (EMAs)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote for this awesome Kpop band called EXO. Check out their Youtube videos, then vote here for me http://uk.mtvema.com/vote#cat=worldwide-act

There's less than two days left, and normally I don't beg.

You can vote up to 100 times per browser, and I used 5 each time I reached the limit. 500 VOTES FROM ME :D
I'm sad, get over it ^.^

So yeah, listen to me for once and vote, pretty please? I have literally spammed twitter about this and well, you're next.

Bye bye sweetie pies x

Once Again

And again I am working to a tight deadline. I have to catch up on six weeks worth of work before 2pm Monday. It's 9.36pm Saturday.

I'll explain the boat party scenario when I have the time. And my new job. And this girl and two guys that seem to like me...
Later. Much later.

*Goes to do work but probably watches something online*

Life Lessons #6

CONFRONTATION

Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.

As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.

The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.

The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.

I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.

I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.

Oopsies

Right, so last night I was really annoyed with a couple of people in my flat, and I wrote a note to stick onto my cupboard. Basically setting some simple and easy to follow ground rules on keeping the kitchen nice. One was to not leave dishes in the sink for hours and hours on end (aimed at Mel and Phil), others were to do with the bins, putting away rubbish, etc. Just basic stuff really.

So no one really noticed until this evening, and Mel seemed to get really pissed off with me. She kept quizzing me on 'no smoking inside when it's really cold'. It's against our contract to smoke inside anyway, plus I get cold very quickly.

Also, it was more the way she behaved, throwing stuff into the sink really loudly. Clearing the whole table in a huff. Chucking out everything, probably to see if she would get a reaction out of us.

You see, I generally don't get along with girls. They irritate me, act all whiney all the time (I might be like this one though), lie about everything, wear loads of make up and barely any clothes. I'm a tomboy, all through school, most of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. Although my second two closest friends are girls, I'm no good at keeping in contact with them.

So I've just gone completely off the point, and I shall leave you there.

Night night my lovelies x

University #5

Now for the story of about two weeks ago. As I have vaguely listed those that I live with, I'm going to use those names and assume you know who they are even though you really don't know these people.

Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.

One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.

When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.

For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.

I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.

*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*

BusyBusyBusy

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting as much as I usually do, but I've been really busy. So busy that I haven't even managed to search for a job...

So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight.  I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.

I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.

I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)

Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.

Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).

I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.


Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(

Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/

Procrastinating

This is something I'm an expert at. I can be given a piece of work and just find anything else possible to do.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing coursework, or reading up on the law, or going food shopping but instead, I have just cleaned my entire room and bathroom... All of the three things above are extremely important, but well... This is me.

Don't get me wrong, I will get the work done by the deadline, or blag my way through it. I'm just no good at time management... And I have started my photography coursework, and done my lead up research, but finding friends to model for me and both being free at the same time is pretty difficult.

So later, I will convince one of my flatmates to come shopping with me. It's time for another stock up, especially since the beer explosion >.< And I'm running out of the huge packets that mother bought me for when I arrived.

Basically, one of the girls in my flat put beer in my drawer in the freezer, it exploded and I had to chuck away every open packet away. That left me with virtually no food. This was two/three days ago.

Dreams

So, I was talking with my mum on the phone earlier, and something creeped me out. It wasn't the fact that our town has been subject to a serious rape, a stabbing or death by manhole cover. It was to do with my brother.

Basically, for the last three nights, I've been having dreams about my brother getting depressed over his relationship and life in general, and so my family would all go and cheer him up. Each night is different but it always ends with him feeling reassured and better about everything.

Now, I found out today that my brother is feeling depressed and worried over his relationship. So my dreams have been true...

I wouldn't say we are particularly close, but it freaked me out a little. Especially as my mum said it has been this past week and the timing and situations are very coincidental. Has anyone else experienced this? Or is this a brother-sister thing?

Looking Up

Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.

Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?

So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?

Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.

I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.

Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".

Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.

Stay Strong :) x

University #4

Life sucks. Welcome to the side of me that I hate..

I have no job, I found out that I only have £600 to spend until christmas because my rent is so expensive, and I need to live off that for 3 months :(

I was feeling ill, so asked someone to make me dinner, he then calls and says its really disrespectful because he has a girlfriend? I mean, can I not be your friend anymore, last I remember, YOU were OFFERING to make me dinner.
That made me feel guilty and now I'm in this damn pit, a dark, lifeless pit of despair.

Oh, someone has used my cheese in the past day, then put in on another persons shelf...
And someone (else?) has used my dish sponge to clean all the burnt stuff off of their pans. We have more sponges than people in this flat, use that! Worst thing is, I'm 98% sure of who did it, and she won't freaking admit it.

This is putting a downer on my day, and possibly on the weekend, and rest of the damn month. Just because I don't advertise that I'm bipolar, it doesn't mean that I'm sane and will take this with a pinch of salt like I usually do.

All of this combined is making me depressed. >.<


I'm gonna go cry now, bye. D':

Hypocrites / Pet Peeves

Don't you hate it when someone says 'I really like someone with.....' And then they date the opposite? I do that :/

My friend just posted on Twitter that he likes girls with an ass. His girlfriend is a stick...

So... 20 Things I hate about people... :

1. People that text/message you first then take forever to reply.
2. Having different personalities when they talk to different people (going from something to quiet is fine though), I mean being really girly with some friends, then acting like a tomboy/rebel with others.
3. Having bare feet, especially around me.
4. Ditching you to live alone but ending up living with other people. Just tell me the fricking truth. >.<
5. Smokers.
6. Druggies.
7. People with no self respect.
8. Assuming people's sexuality (yes we all do it, but explicitly mentioning it in a conversation like "as a girl, what do you look for in a guy?" [or girl]).
9. Music too loud when I want to sleep.
10. Being inconsiderate.
11. 'Fake' people.
12. PDA! (Public Displays of Affection.)
13. Hating someone before knowing them.
14. Hating on a stereotype (gays).
15. Rudeness.
16. Making up things about their past.
17. Criminals. 
18. Too much make-up.
19. Grammatically incorrect, all the time. (How did you get into university?)
20. Overly egotistic. 

University #3

So things have changed oh so quickly here already, and I only arrived a week ago today. My flatmates are rarely seen anymore, they just stay in their rooms all day. I know I go out without them, so I'm not saying that I'm not the problem too. It's just that I've been in my room sleeping and watching random things online, one girl is sleeping all the time (she said she caught whatever I have wrong with me :/), I have no idea what the other two girls are doing, I see them for about five minutes a day. Both guys are doing work, I think. I haven't seen one in two days, and the other is watching anime and drawing (Twitter).

I hope we get closer as a flat, I barely know what is going on most of the time, and I hope we don't just do our work all the time. It's all boring. No one is socialising much, so we are not getting to know each other. I understand that two of us are a little ill, but that doesn't mean that things should have an awkward silence in the kitchen.

I'll just leave you with this picture that always makes me happy.

Coming Out / Life Lessons #5 ?

I really admire gay/bisexual/lesbians that have come out to their parents. I know I would never have the courage. It's a really big deal, and I wish I was as brave as them.

Think about the biggest secret you have, knowing that the one person you want to tell, is completely opposed to it. Some people are really lucky, with parents that will still love you no matter what.

I'm bisexual, and most of my childhood friends don't know. My family certainly think I'm 100% straight. The truth is, I have always had crushes on girls. From as long as I remember. I have no problem telling people that don't really know me, because then it's not really a shock to them. After my recent break-up, I've been turned off from guys. From the two men I have slept with my whole life (there's actually three but the last one is not counted for these purposes), both have forced me to sleep with them in some way. That is technically rape. I believe that I'm becoming less straight, but I don't know what to do...

I don't want people to make the same mistakes as me, being forced into something because they haven't got the guts to say no, because no isn't in the other person's vocabulary.

I don't think I will ever tell my parents, my dad is a strict (black) Christian, and would probably murder me if he found out, and my mum is really old fashioned and doesn't agree with gay people in any way, but she will accept them in a way. She say's she just doesn't want to know about them :/ Either way, it doesn't look good if I tell them...

University #2

I think I managed to get the Freshers' Flu, which sucks. According to my mum I got it last year as well, but she thinks it's because of the change of area, and my body doesn't know how to cope with a higher quantity of things I'm allergic to.

This is my first sober day of the week (yesterday doesn't count because I was hungover), and friends and flatmates still want to do something tonight. I feel dead... I have gone out too much, making up for all those lost days during Summer. :)

We had a cross dressing dare in spin the bottle, and I must say that the guys don't look too bad xD Not as good as Koreans, but on the way.

 

University #1

I have a feeling that I'm going to do random blogs about my daily life at uni... Let's hope it goes better than my Life Lessons series. xD

Anyway, I moved in today, with a little help from two sisters, both parents, my old foster sister and her dad. A bit much, eh?

I've now met my flatmates, I think... They seem ok, there's the stereotypical nerd, a Filipino with the same name (xD), and three other girls. I might be able to get a photo of us all one day, or at least some of us...

I keep comparing us to my flat mates from last year, and well, I miss them so very muchly. But maybe that's because we bonded a little better, all these guys want to do is drink. I like drinking like the next person, but from as early as 8pm? Newbs xD

Oh, and the flat parties weren't as good as last year. Freshers is worse too, by the looks of it. At least I still have friends with houses, so that means better house parties ^.^

That is all for now my lovelies. Goodnight x

Harsh Reality

In life, we can all choose what we believe in. Either accept the lies, live in ignorance and be happy, or choose the truth.

I try both. I like to pretend to all those around me, that I believe what I'm told, be naiive, and trust people. But I don't. I know the truth, at least, most of it...

I know that I come across happy to people I know and meet, but my reality is far from similar. Someone made me realise how hard my life actually is, without realising it. "I'm so sad ... My dad lied to me ... He said he would visit last week and didn't arrive" I mean, pur-lease. That was it?! She got depressed over that?

I had a little tantrum, letting her know how easy she had it... How she was lucky to have pet names as a child, to get hugs before bed, nighttime stories. My mum claims to have done this, but I can't remember a thing like that. I remember being told "If you don't like it here, move in with your father" from a young age. My dad is leaving the continent by the end of the year, my youngest half-sister has turned into a spoilt brat, my older siblings barely saw me grossing up, I would get hit frequently, and I have never been academic enough in my dads eyes.

My life hasn't been the worst, but its definitely not the best either. I chose to try and be happy, not to let people put me down or push me around. I became stronger mentally, yeah things still get me down, and I may be bipolar, but I usually manage it. I became a brilliant actress in life, and I'm trying to be a success. I may not get to be famous, (fame was never a goal anyway) but I know I will make it. I have so much determination that its unreal. I refuse to give up, to go backwards.

That is all for now.

Life Lessons #4

Perfection

This doesn't exist in a living form. Simple. HARSH REALITY.

Don't stress about not being 'perfect enough' because no matter how hard you try, it won't happen. You are unique, and beautiful in your own right. There is no perfect person. But you can be amazing, stunning, clever and you can fein perfection.

But then faking perfection makes your imperfect as a rule. Everything around you has a flaw, but if you turn that flaw into a positive, you'll be much happier.

Too short to reach you top shelf? You're cute and fun sized.

Really tall? Great model or basketball player.

Shy? Great at observing others.

Wear glasses? Adorkable, the right frames make you look even cuter, or sophisticated and sexy.

Life Lessons #3

Self Harming

Don't do it! I know what it's like to spiral into a pit of despair, the only release for your emotions being pain.

The empty feeling, being lonely even when surrounded by people. Unbearable sadness, the ache in your heart. Yeah, I've been there....

But from experience, cutting doesn't actually help. The pain? Yes. The blood, woozy feeling and scars? No.
Ok, I hate the sight and smell of blood, but that isn't the point.
In my down days, I would go to forum after forum for help, and the best piece of advice was: Keep a rubber band around your wrist, then instead of cutting, ping it. You still get the pain without the scars. Sorry I can't remember who said it, but it was probably on FizzyFamily.com.

Remember that no matter what you are going through, it CAN and WILL get better. Sometimes we do things that we regret, but that's life. And life matters.

Stay strong. <3

Next Week

I can't wait!

*Jumps up and down squealing like a fangirl*

Next weekend is going to be one of the best of the year. Not only does the Japanese festival begin again in Brighton (it's later this year for some reason), but I also move back to London.

The festival is a yearly occurrence in Bartholomew Square, where various events take place, and a 'market place' of stalls sell various items from manga, to tableware and clothing. It usually lasts around ten days, this year is from Saturday 14th September until and including the following weekend. I always go with my sister, Iris, and my best friend (I pretty much force him to come along). We enjoy the day, and will spend the whole day there. We only go to the Saturday events due to our schooling, and although I'm finished school and uni starts after that weekend, my sister still had classes.

Then there's moving back to uni. I love the independance! I have so much freedom there, and frankly, almost 4 months of summer is wayyyyyy too long. I need to start packing though :/ FRESHERS, HERE I COME!
London is a wonderful place, and I miss it so much, no matter how many times I visit. There's always somewhere new to go, some place new to explore. It's full of opportunities, life and laughter.


"If you get fed up with London, you're fed up with life." Jay Neill - actor.


That's all for today :D x

Requested - Vlogging

So my friend has just started vlogging and she sent me this video through twitter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UB7tbzxA7k

I've known her pretty much all my life, and she's wonderful, truly funny and down to earth. So please check it out.

I'll pay you with cookies :)

Flirting

"I don't know how to flirt!"

Well, that's what I say when I'm told to flirt. Told to flirt?! Well flirting is something that happens naturally, not something to force. I've been told that I'm a natural flirt, which honestly, isn't a good thing to me. I get all kinds of unwanted attention. Heck, I had to say I had a girlfriend to get a guy away from me in a club...

Anyway, my point is that some people are genuinely nice people, but their kindness is often mistaken for flirting. And for others, they try so hard to flirt that they actually turn people away.

A word of advice, be yourself. There's not point trying to impress someone if you look completely fake.

Well, I don't really have any advice, just my opinions... >.<

Life Lessons #2

Be proud of everything you have accomplished, no matter how small.

Riding a bike. Yes, some people didn't learn and it's an accomplishment. I took it for granted and was surprised when a friend was shocked that I could ride.

Exam results are something to be proud of, even if you didn't get what you wanted. When I was really young (primary school), I thought GCSEs were really hard and wanted to get all C's. When I was doing the exams, I was predicted all A*s, As and a B. I ended up with 2As, 6Bs, 2Cs, and a D. I didn't revise, so in a way I did well, but my friends did better than me. Hard work paid off for them. I actually revised for my A-levels and got D's :/ But I'm at university anyway xD. There's always a way round things if you have an ambition.

Learning another language. So I was talking to someone with English as their second language, and I would say they're better than half the people that live in Britain, but he didn't believe me and refused to say anything afterwards. The thing is, he was proud of how good he was at English until one stupid person commented that they didn't understand >.< .

Staying a virgin. The older you get, and closer to your 20's you are, the prouder I will be of you. I think I was too young at 16 and regret it (I've mentioned this somewhere before) so stay true to you, and don't let anyone take advantage. :)

Getting your first job, no matter how much you hate it. I loved my first job, but due to family problems and distance (travelling from London every weekend), I quit after 5 months. I'd love to go back there but there were no vacancies this summer, not even in the rest of the town. o.O

That's all for now, but I might think of more to add.

Life Lessons #1

I want to start a series of posts about advice I would give to others, based on events that have happened to me. These will be numbered in order, but I will have other posts scattered among these.

#1 Don't let anyone take advantage of you! Virginity.

You need to have complete respect for yourself, so that others will respect you too. Don't go giving up your virginity because "you should" due to your age or relationship status. Your body is beautiful, and only the right person should get to see it fully. Stand up for yourself, nobody should be able to tell you what to do (except your parents), you are your own person.

If you respect your body, then others will notice and also respect it. Don't sell yourself cheap, you are priceless, too expensive for money and should be bought with love. Not lust (which is easily confused), not money, not bribery, not even diamonds...etc. You get the picture.

If you're not 100% sure you want to have sex, then DON'T! You'll regret it later....

Be Positive

Everyone has their ups and downs, this is completely normal, but it bugs me when people are always down.

I know what its like to be depressed, and to know what it feels like being close to someone who is depressed. It's not nice knowing that someone is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it. I think I am or was bi-polar at some point in my life. For 3 years I knew when I had my up months, and my down ones which always followed shortly after. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

But it will be easier on everyone if we thought about the upside to the majority of life events. Obviously, there are times when being sad is completely acceptable and expected. Heres some examples:

• To get over a breakup, I think about all the things I found annoying or hated about the other person. It helped me get through a lot, but there were some relationships where I couldn't think of something until weeks later. Being single has its positives, as with everything in life. (I'll write some posts on single and coupled life.)

• When I feel down (as I've mentioned before), I now listen to happy music. I have a playlist for times like this too, like childhood music, upbeat songs and musicians that make me smile. I found that depressing and angry music make me feel better, but happy music did this so much quicker.

• If my family say or do something to make me upset, I shut myself in my room. But then I think about what life would be like without them. Who would have taught me to ride a bike? Could I manage living alone (yes) or without that person in my life? (no) How would I feel if they actually died? 

• If someone gets angry with you, just laugh. My foster sister attacked me once, and I proud that I didn't retaliate, but I laughed in her face. The way she clawed up her hands to scratch my face reminded me of an animal. The look in her eyes, the pure hatred and anger, I wasn't scared, so I laughed. Probably not the best idea I've ever had...

• When I got kicked out my house: at least I don't have to put up with him anymore. I didn't like the food anyway. I focused on the small things.

• No romantic relationships? I only need my friends because they're always there for me. :)

I never said this will be easy to do, and it takes practice, but you'll be a happier person. Watch the drama unfold around you, and think 'Was I really like that?' 'Gosh that's embarrassing!'

Sayy Whatt!!

So, I was talking to someone I met through a friend on Facebook and he said "You and your boyfriend are cute together".

We met in a club for a mutual friend's birthday, and I took my cousin with me because he had come to stay with me for the week.

He thought my cousin was my boyfriend...!
And we make a cute couple...!
I have no boyfriend...


THAT IS ALL.

I'm Trapped!

So my sister, Iris, showed me the Korean version of this which came out two months ago, and I really liked it. Shh, don't tell her ;) She over played it and I got sick of it in a few days...

Anyway, Henry has just released the ENGLISH version of his song and now I actually love it. It's a great example of why I prefer Korean music, despite the fact that this is in english. They don't sing about drugs, sex, and the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. They sing about things we can all relate to. Take a listen :) It's so catchy, but because I know the other version so well, it took me a while to figure out what he was singing and we had to find a lyric video.

Also, check out my sister's blog with her friend Lilley* at www.sokyutelike.blogspot.co.uk for more East Asian stuff.

Haii Haii Haii

Don't you just love today? The sun, the rain and a fun day out?

"Morning. It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are gonna get out of... (Gasp) The tank is clean. THE TANK IS CLEAN!!"
No? Well you need to look to the bright side of things :D

A lot has happened today... So today I went to London with my brother and his new girlfriend. I officially met her for the first time and I'd say she's pretty cool, which is saying something, eh? ;)

I think I'm getting a bit big headed right now xD Blame my mood >.<

Anyway, the new girlfriend is great, my older sister is still being rude and pushy (so despite what she text me, I have now done the complete opposite. Nobody tell me what to do >:D), Iris received wonderful GCSE results (I'm so proud of her), I found out where I'm living from September, and I found one of my new flatmates on Facebook. All in all, a great day.

Worst part: I still have a terrible neck ache from being ill these last few days, and Iris is at a friend's house tonight so I can't watch anything with her.


SIDENOTE: If you decide to watch Elysium (That film that was only recently released in the UK), it's pretty damn good. Just excuse the camera work ^.^

Buh baii gorgeous people xx

(I'm going insane xD)

Happy Song Lyrics ^.^

Here are some lyrics from songs I listen to, so that's my favourite songs and not just 'mainstream music' although a lot of it is.



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
stand a little taller,
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. ~ Kelly Clarkson - Stronger


You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine,
Just own the night like the 4th of July,
‘Cause baby, you're a firework,
Come on, show ‘em what you're worth,
Make ‘em go, oh, oh, oh,
As you shoot across the sky ~ Katy Perry - Firework


You are beautiful no matter what they say,
Words can't bring you down....oh no,
You are beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh, no,
So don't you bring me down today... ~ Christina Aguilera - Beautiful


The verses in Nicki Minaj's song, Moment for Life. The first verse for example:

I fly with the stars in the sky,
I am no longer trying to survive,
I believe that life is a prize,
But to live doesn't mean you're alive
Don't worry about me and who I fire,
I get what I desire, it's my empire,
And yes I call the shots, I am the umpire,
I sprinkle holy water, upon the vampire

Family

Most people have someone in their family that they are close to, whether they live with them or not. For me, I'm close to my mum and my sister (In another blog she calls herself Iris, so I will use that name for her too). I never used to be, but now my sister and I realised that we have common interests, we go to various cities together on days out, and we sit and watch anime and japanese dramas together. My mother never used to be so understanding, but after I moved out (the first time) she realised that I wasn't going to take anymore shit from her, and she got extremely upset over it, but also noticed that I won't let people push me around. I am my own person, and nobody will stop me from being just that.

As you may or may not know, my family is a little... dysfunctional, shall we say? I had a foster sister who now lives somewhere in this country, away from us with her 'proper' family. My father left when I was two years old, long before Iris was born. I have an older half sister on my father's side living in a different country. My other older half brother and half sister live somewhere else in this town, so they weren't really around as I grew up. Then my youngest half sister lives in the south coast. That's about an hour drive away, so I only see her when she visits Dad. That's just my immediate family. I have an uncle that never spoke to my mum for the fist ten years of my life, and a little before that too. And her other brother doesn't really associate himself too often, so I now see my uncles on rare family get-togethers.

My cousins are a different story. I was really close to one of them as a young child, but she's a lot older than me, starting a family and I haven't seen her in about two years. Her two sisters barely ever spoke to me. Three cousins who I barely know anymore... Now the uncle that didn't speak to my mum for a long time? He also has two daughters, and I barely know them. All I do know is that they are pretty, have long term partners and have successful jobs. I don't see them either.

I only started thinking about this last night when a friend of mine was telling me how he and his little cousin are really close, and do almost everything together. He described them as 'like father and daughter' which I found strange and would say they are more like siblings. Then on Facebook just now, a picture came up on my timeline saying that cousins are our first childhood friends and that cousins will always be close. Unfortunately that's no the case for me. I seem to hate most of my family, and if I don't hate them, I don't feel anything for them. My uncles and cousins are more like acquaintances.

My mum has a cousin who lives to hours away from us. This is where things get positive :) She has a son and daughter, which makes us second cousins or something? Anyway, I'm pretty close to the two of them, and as we are similar in age, they only thing that stops us being so close is the distance. One of them is John, from another blog post, and in the magpie story, I named him Aaron. Even though we may not see each other regularly, when we do meet up, it's like we were never apart. Like a true family.

So as you can see, my family isn't exactly normal. But without them, I would probably be a different person.

Just Having an Emotional Moment

I randomly started crying tonight and took to one of my favourite social sites to post this:


It's been over two years now and I still miss him. His smile, the way he would tease me, his face. Every little thing he did for me, its all in my heart. I know this may sound stupid, and we haven't been together for almost three years, but he's still in my heart, and he's still in my mind.

Your death shocked me, it shocked all of us. I fell into a deep pit of despair, I even tried to take my own life a couple of times, and I harmed myself. I know I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore, and you helped me. But after you died, I was helpless.

I've never felt the way I did about you, before or after you. And I know from the bottom of my broken heart, that I truly loved you. I still do Aaron. I thought I had managed to move on, but tonight I realise how wrong I was.

I will always love you.... R.I.P x

MIKA!

So last December I went to see Mika live for the first time, at the Roundhouse in London. Ever since I have been obsessed with his music, and OH MY GOSH, he is so cuuute.

Mika is unbelievably energetic and it was hard to get a good photo of him as he moved around so much. I took over 400 images in total and yet less than 200 were decent..

My favourite all time song by Mika is 'Love You When I'm Drunk'. I don't know why but the beginning sounds sort of Christmassy and I just really like it.

 Please don't take these images as an example of my photographic work, that can be found in another blog post (I will post the link here). All in all, it was a wonderful time and made me so obsessed over time that I am listening to him on shuffle and repeat right now.

Mika's music is really good if you're feeling down and want to listen to something other than the depressing or 'normal' songs. His style whilst singing and dressing is always impeccable, yet he looks so comfortable.

I just wish he wasn't gay :(

Guilty Pleasures

HOLD UP, HOLD UP! No, I do not mean anything sexual (well, in my case anyway) :)

I'm talking about the things you do that other people may not know about. Websites you visit or have joined, clubs, games, anything you may be addicted to or obsessed with. They don't all have to be to do with technology, but my list would be a long longer and more boring if I included absolutely everything.

My friends don't necessarily know that I blog, and the few that do know, do not know the website or anything that could lead them here. So I would call this my guilty pleasure, because I use this as a diary, I can vent and be myself, which leads me to being happy. Somehow, I feel that my normal life stresses are relieved purely by knowing that I have a blog/diary.

I'm going to give a list of websites that I currently or used to visit on a very regular basis. Some of these will be shared, and others will be completely unknown to the rest of you:

• Blogger - obviously.
• Facebook
• Youtube
• Twitter
• IMVU - a 3D chat 'site'.
• eBay
• Amazon
• FizzyFamily
• Various websites to watch anime and TV shows that I have missed: iPlayer, 4OD, etc.
• Email - Hotmail, Uni, Yahoo!

On my tablet and phone, I can get obsessed with various games at different times, and trust me, I have spent many sleepless nights with these apps:

• The usual websites that have apps
• Tapped Out (The Simpsons)
• Fashion Story
• Dragon Story
• Stardom
• 4 Pics 1 Song
• Instagram
• Kik
• The Sims Freeplay
• Where's My Water
• Candy Crush Saga
• Angry Birds
• Bubble Mania

Oh, and I still play The Sims 2, I have got Sims 3 but I don't like it as much and the obsession faded within a few days xD.

So yeah, I get obsessed with things too, and these are some of my guilty pleasures, so what are yours?

x

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST!!!

"It's the year of the beast!"

I am a huge fan of TMB. The Midnight Beast started off creating parodies of a few popular songs a few years back, most famously 'Tik Tok - Ke$ha' in which they gained radio coverage and many more fans. I found out about them, through a friend, when they still only had about 3 songs released under their name. I have their "autobiography" titled, Book At Us Now, if you can call it that. Numerous tours and a second season of their self-titled show soon to be released on E4, TMB have come a long way.

Everyone has a favourite member of any band, and mine is Dru. He raps about a depressing childhood where his dad ran away, and sometimes I feel that I can relate. He may not be hot like Ash, or quirky like Stef, but I don't care. Although if I could date one of them, it would probably be Stef, don't ask :)

Check them out on Youtube and give them a chance. I'm not sure exactly where they perform but they do often go to both London and Brighton, and I am fortunate enough to live between both cities. :) Ticket prices are not expensive and don't take them seriously. They're music is sold under comedy, after all.

Wishful Thinking

I have spent most of my childhood, thinking of my ideal boyfriend/husband, like many girls do. Due to what had happened all around me, I also felt unworthy and ugly.

One or two years ago, I made an awful discovery. No my parents hadn't cheated, or that I have a secret long lost sister (sure, another one really wouldn't make much difference), or that I'm adopted. But because of the age I was when my parents split up and divorced, it has a NEGATIVE IMPACT on ALL MY FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS! It has been psychologically proven, and so I realised that I have no hope with having a proper family or a 'long term partner'.

Sure this hasn't stopped me dreaming of my perfect man, or the 'father of any future children', but it does mean that I no longer fully fall for another person. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, deep, deep down and rarely admit it. But I fall quickly and deeply, and never really get over the first person when I fall for another. I know it's bad, but it's just how my brain has been wired. Out there, somewhere, is the man of my dreams. the man that keeps popping up in the most random of places yet I'm sure we haven't met yet.

Random Story

So I'm thinking of writing a new short story (I know, it's been forever) but I want to know if the idea had been done too many times before?

Just check out my first few paragraphs and let me know what you think?

Sorcha looked over Katie Mallory’s unconscious body, unable to do anything. The bruise from her father’s punch was slowly forming over her left eye, the blood from her nose was quickly drying, and yet, the girl looked at peace.  Katie’s mother was crying softly in the room above where her daughter lay, tidying her bedroom in a drastic attempt to calm herself. Her father stared at his own fist, still curled up in anger, after finding his daughter was not his little girl anymore. Sorcha wished that Katie had taken another path in life, one not so damaging to her emotional state.

Sorcha vanished in the blink of an eye, not that anyone in the room had noticed. She ran down the romanesque corridors to the head office. Images of happy children covered the walls, much like a child’s bedroom, an inspiration to all. She tapped on the door at the far end of the corridor, waiting impatiently and catching her breath. The door slowly opened after a few stretched seconds, feeling like an eternity to Sorcha. She walked into the office many fear, the stone desk littered with paperwork, two feather quills resting in an ink pot next to some blotting paper. The rich red carpet lined the floor, the marble fireplace burning a magnificent fire, casting a sunset aura in the room.

“Hmmm,” came a deep voice, slightly threatening, from behind the ornate desk, “Sorcha Silverlight. I have seen you twice already this month, and it’s only the first week. You walk into this office almost as much as a second home. Is this task too much for you? Do you want to be demoted?”

“No, sir.” Replied her timid voice. “It’s about the Mallory’s. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do. No matter how much I try, I cannot get in touch with the human world. Katie is suffering, sir, and I want to help. Nothing in my training prepared me for this!”

“You mean you are unable to make a simple phone call? Or talk to your child?” His voice almost booming.

“Of course I tried, sir. Can you remember your first assignment? Couldn’t the mentors see the implications of this mission? This isn’t fair!” Sorcha slumped down on the soft carpet, much like a teenager throwing a tantrum.

“Get up you spoilt brat! Of course I remember. The child I was first assigned to, died within two days. Black plague. Poor Henry,” He bowed his head with grief, and Sorcha immediately moved to his side to put a comforting arm around his shoulder. “We cannot predict the future, and as Guardian Angels, it is our duty to help as many children in the world as possible."



This is as far as I have gotten in the past half hour (I get distracted)... Comment, email, text, kik me your views. :)

Mr. Simple

Stolen from my other blog :o !

First of all, as most people know, I’m really into Korean music, and no that does not just mean Gangnam Style! One of my favourite bands is Super Junior, which consists of 10-15 members at any time. This is due to compulsory military service, so some are away and it is rare to see them all together.

I really like this song and video, not just because it was the first song and video I saw of them, but because of the lyrics. The lyrics themselves are inspirational, letting the listener know that there is nothing wrong with them. The first verse even mentions moods and emotions going up and down all that time, and that it is perfectly normal. It reminds us that life isn’t necessarily easy, but it’s not bad either. We just need to make the most of it and remember that we are all perfect in our own ways.

The video is typical of ‘mainstream music’ where the background changes often, there is a perfectly choreographed dance and various outfit changes. The lighting appears very clinical in the way that the main area is brightly lit, but the individual backdrops are grey and quite bland. The lighting from the floor is unusual although it does minimize shadows. In fact, there are hardly any shadows, which gives the impression that most of it used a green screen.

Super Junior isn’t the only group to have positive messages hidden in them, a few other songs are:
Nu’est – Face
2NE1 – Ugly
EXO-K – Traffic Safety Song

Lyrics used:

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&ved=0CDwQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kpoplyrics.net%2Fsuper-junior-mr-simple-lyrics-romanized-english.html&ei=QMZeUY26C8XHPLbkgdgH&usg=AFQjCNGKry2omo0yHu0sK5j_-ECaKGUASw&sig2=gOU9-qXonbE7YtrUUA33-w&bvm=bv.44770516,d.ZWU

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&ved=0CEcQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fimmortalsoul123.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F08%2F02%2Fmr-simple-album-songs-lyrics-english-translations%2F&ei=QMZeUY26C8XHPLbkgdgH&usg=AFQjCNHAC7WOETkOOp0ttxekDo2gA_dp3g&sig2=U1BWBLe2w0eWz-iJ4dkuvA&bvm=bv.44770516,d.ZWU


Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6TwzSGYycM

Let's Just Say...

So today wasn't a very good day...

But to try and make me feel better, I went out to town (didn't work), then listened to loads of music. Music has played a major part in my life, not because I'm talented (because I really am not) but I feel that it has saved my life.

I have spent so much of my life listening to angry and depressing music when I have felt the same way, and recently I realised that it doesn't work the same way as happy music does. I even have a playlist for when I feel down because it happens so often. Simple Plan and Eminem, as examples, made me realise that my life isn't as bad as some people's, but then Mika and Destiny's Child are empowering, showing that there's always a bright side to the dark times.

Through the dark, depressing, and self-harming days to my happiest times, on sunny beaches with friends, music has always been there.

Mainstream Shizz

I want to start off by saying that I am in no way a hipster, no matter what my friends think.

I've just gotten so used to not being a part of the majority that following the crowd has become a turn off.. I always felt like an outsider as a child, first because I'm half African and half white British, and second, I never felt like I belonged. In my first school, no one was mixed race. They were either white, black or Asian. I wasn't 'one of them'.

My friends always seemed to have happy, perfect lives. Both parents working, siblings they got along with and all the toys they wanted. Me on the other hand, my parents divorced by the time I was four. My mum couldn't work because she wanted to be there for me and my sister, and with no family that really liked my mum, she had to struggle on her own. I would always argue with my sister, which led to arguments with my mum, most of them resulting with the line "Why don't you go and live with your father!". Because my mum wasn't working, she couldn't afford the toys my friends got, cable/satellite TV or nice stuff in general. So I wasn't like everyone else to start with.

Secondary school definitely pulled me apart. People would wonder why I didn't act more 'black', why I was quiet, why I was me. I was scared to come out of my shell and show what I really liked. I got into anime and manga but was criticized for it. There was this one girl who thought I was copying her and tried to make me hate myself. I might have mentioned her before, I actually hated going into school. The last year was actually my worst year. I loved Kpop music for the first time, but I was called strange and uncool.

I turned to my sister earlier and said that "Kpop is becoming too mainstream... I don't like it." 

University is like a whole other life for me. When I'm there, I am truly myself. I'm not scared of the judgement, the looks and stares. I re-invented myself, as the confident me. That worked for about a week. Now I'm halfway between that and how I was before. Sure some people aren't open to the fact that I like different things, but I don't care anymore. I am myself and I could never be happier.

I don't just listen to 'mainstream music', I listen to anything I like the tune or beat to. I like The Midnight Beast, The Lonely Island, and The Band Perry. This is where I don't follow suit; Simple Plan, Mika, Evanescence, Fun, Taylor Swift, Eminem, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Lindsey Stirling, Big Bang, Nu'est, 2NE1, to name a few of my favourites. Yeah most of these are mainstream artists, but I don't check the Top 40 or anything, I just download the albums and any singles I like.

On the other hand, I also don't follow fashion. Like every girl, I update my wardrobe whenever I can, and buy what's in stores but my collection is quite small because I am so fussy. I get fed up quickly and my style is sometimes called; punky, quirky, cute, different, tomboy-ish, bright. It all depends on my mood.

IT'S ALL ABOUT BEING YOURSELF, AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN, WHO CARES WHAT THE WORLD THINKS! As long as you don't do anything illegal, or dangerous to others, it's all cool.

"And Then You Go And Spoil It All By Saying Something Stupid Like, I Love You" (8)

Three years ago I crashed a car
My dads car
Outside a church
With my little sister in the back
Without leaving the car park...
Without leaving the parking space

Just thought you should have the opportunity to laugh at me :) I was 16 at the time, I'm now 19 and I refuse to learn how to drive.. I don't even have a provisional (learners) licence...

Small World

I have a lot of random thoughts pop into my head at various times, and this hot and sticky night is one of those times.

I remember back in primary school, year 3 or 4 I think, and I used to get bullied. I never told my family, or my friends as it would happen when I was alone, and it was a couple of 'groups' that did it. One couple were girls in year six, about 2 or 3 years above me, and they would taunt me often. Eventually I confessed this to my mum's friend's daughter, (lets call her L) and it turned out that she used to be best friends with one of them. I still remember their names now, S and C shall be all I will reveal. S was a friend of L, who went to my school but later transferred because it was 'not good enough for her family' (they're snobs now). I begged L to do something, but it did not cease until S and C went to secondary school... luckily that was only about a year or two.

Unfortunately for me, the year after they left, I got bullied by another two girls, two years below me. They would sing songs about me being too skinny, calling me a twig or sticks. I took matters into my own hands and started eating a lot more. Again I never told anyone, and this is my first confession. They stopped the teasing for a while, and then it started up again by calling me a fat whale. I looked like on of those starving African children with stick arms, and a massive belly. I just ate and ate, but didn't care what.

When I finally finished that school, I found that I no longer had the same friends and my self esteem went all the way down. I became reserved and extremely shy. Almost like a different person. I was always a bit on the quiet side, but I now realise that I had changed. I was told by some 'friends' that I should stop complaining about my life because it was too depressing. I grew a tougher skin and never showed my emotions. I didn't know how to fit in and I was often alone in class.

I never really manage to keep friends for very long, but I have a few that I can stay close to... well, make that two. No matter how long we go without speaking because of uni, we can still talk about anything and be who we are. I'm glad I have these two to keep me strong through all the emotional heartbreak (more stories to come), the depression and self harm, through exams, stress, domestic violence and being homeless (for about an hour xD).

My story isn't normal, no one's is. This isn't to share with the world, but a personal reminder of what I have gone through and to know that I am stronger than people realise. I am who I am because of what has happened to me.

Stay strong everyone, and if you're being bullied, tell someone. I know I didn't and was always afraid that it would get worse if I did, but I wish I had more help back then. :)

R.I.P

Rest in Peace Cory Monteith.

I never watched Glee, and I didn't know the guy in any way, heck I had never heard him until I logged into Facebook earlier today. All I know is that he was a star of Glee and was due to be married in just two weeks. I don't know what possessed him or if the allegations are true but he supposedly died of a drug overdose (unconfirmed so far).

Just because I do not know who the person is, it doesn't mean that I should feel no sympathy towards his family. So many people die everyday (just check wikipedia for the 'celebrity' ones), and it makes me realise just how short our lives are. Cory Monteith was only 31, that's the same age as my older sister...

I remember once that I was feeling really down for a long time and so my friend randomly told me that 2 people die every second and I should be thankful that I'm not one of them. It took a while for it to sink in (a couple of weeks) but I finally got it. Life is short and we don't know when it will end. Why sit in misery when we could be happy, do something everyday or make a small positive change to this world? Well, today was too hot for me, so I sat inside but that doesn't mean I was sad all day.

So, Cory Monteith, you will be missed by many, and even if you didn't realise it, you made so many Glee fans happy with every episode. This tragic incident was unfortunate but maybe his mission in life was completed. Look to the bright side and our thoughts and prayers will be with the family and his fiancee, Lea, at this time.

Why?

(This was originally posted some time in April but as I have learned about tags, this post got moved to now... I don't know why but it just did)

Just to start off, this isn't meant to be a depressing post, so if it is, then I apologise now.

I don't remember much of my childhood, and for years now, I've wanted to start a blog but I never knew what to write about. I feel my life is too boring but this last year has taught me that if I can try to remember, then my life isn't so bad. I want this blog to be my diary, to always be here forever and leave my imprint in the world.

I've had my fair share of misfortune but I want to focus on the happy times. And I swear I've had more of these since starting uni in September than I can remember from the past 18 years. I won't go into detail of my past, such as my parents divorce, the domestic abuse until I turned 17, hopelessly falling for guys and having my heart broken, being shy and only finding friendships online. This is what I want to forget.

I used to write stories a lot, but never finished them so I only have a few posted online. http://www.student.com/profile/mystuff.php?the_profile_name=Flowerzz I have loads more on my laptop but I never know how to continue with what I have. I enjoyed writing because it let m escape my life. I could pretend to be the character and most of the ideas are based on what I wanted to do or be. PLEASE NOTE, I HAVE NOT DONE EVERYTHING IN MY STORIES.

The URL of this blog is Cazzie94, and there is a reason for this. One of my closest friends of a few years ago passed away. He was the nicest person I ever had the chance to meet, and well he always called me Cazzie so often that his sister copied and I got used to using that name. I always thought it was cute, but on 15th June 2011, he died. I fell into a pit of despair. And yes I started a story about that, but never published it. There was a little hole in my heart, and it hurt.

You'll probably notice that from September to December and February to May, my posts will be uni related and all the other times it will be based on my home life. This is purely based on where I am living at the time..

Bored?

Are you stuck in a rut? Have nothing to do right now or over the next few weeks/months? Need another way to procrastinate/ put things off? Have little or no money to do anything?

Here's a little list of suggestions you could do ;)

• Make a hat for your pet
• Grow a beard
• Popcorn face
• Punch noodles
• Face masks out of random food
• Wear a pet as a hat / scarf
• Make a beer smoothie
• Make a fruit smoothie
• Draw something (Literally, or you could play the game)
• Turn yourself into a tree/zombie/cat (face paints and costumes)
• Be an aeroplane (Airplane for those not in Britain)
• Dye your hair (not the best thing I have ever come up with)
• Read a book
• Write a story/poem/song
• Join a random website and use it everyday for a week
• Text everyone on your phone saying "Let's make a llama out of rainbows and paint the sea orange whilst dressed as Ninja Turtles :D".
• Invent a sport and teach your family
• Teach someone a card game but don't tell them the rules for each card (play it like uno to start with then the winner makes up and new rule by giving it a name but not telling anyone what it is) I swear this is more fun than it sounds.
• Draw or write something nice for all your neighbours and post it to them.
• Be bi-curious for the day
• Start a blog
• Swap houses with a friend or relative for the day/week to see if you can cope living in their shoes.
• Pretend to be drunk in public (I don't want you lovelies getting arrested)
• Picnic in your local park/beach.
• Be a tourist in your own town for the day
• Visit somewhere new, but is fairly close
• Learn something new (how to cook, make something, a strange fact)
• Annoy your family in a pleasant way (being overly nice or polite)
• Say 'please' instead of 'thank you' and vice versa

So I hope you like this list. If you want to add anything more to it, just comment below :) These ones are a bit strange...