Sorry for any typing errors, I wrote this on my phone.
When you've lived life being the kid with no friends, the kid with fake friends, you learn to put up a shield. You protect yourself from the world, and the world from you.
Growing up, I was that kid. I was the kid who was too thick to realise she was being picked on, not just by 'friends', but also by teachers. I was socially inept, and I still am. I was untalented. I wasn't special. I was just that kid. The victim of school, the victim of the family. The black sheep, literally.
I was the kid who tried expressing her feelings, but was always told to shut up. I was the one whose voice was never heard. I would be physically and verbally abused by those around me, threatened to stay quiet or more would come. Silenced from the world, I took refuge online.
I had multiple accounts on multiple chat sites. Anywhere to be heard. But whenever someone was kind enough to listen, I thought I felt love. I didn't, but I thought it. I didn't know what love was, I had never received it from my mum, or my family, or my so-called friends. So I would accept that person in my life, no questions asked. I let them in. I let them know who I was. I let them take advantage. I didn't learn and kept doing this for years, with so many people. I had online relationships, and real life ones. All the same.
People say the internet is a bad place. And it really is. But so is the world. I've met paedophiles, rapists, bullies and more. I met some of these in person on occasion. I didn't tell my mum where I went (pretty dangerous at 15) but I didn't care. If I died or was kidnapped, no one would miss me. I was in a bad place. This continued until I was raped at 16, by my boyfriend of the time. And then until 18 when I finally left school. Who would have thought that I wouldn't be free of this until mid way through my second year of university?
At 19 I met John (not his real name). I found someone who said he was like me, but he shut the world out and kept them out. I shut the world out but opened the gates to anyone who ventured closer. We had both been hurt. We quickly started sleeping together, and became close friends. It took him 11 months before he was ready for another relationship, and I patiently waited.
He is the best thing that has happened to me. He takes care of me all the time, he accepts me, he never pushed himself onto me, and he cares. He treats me as if I matter. And I do matter. It took me over 20 years to learn this. When the world shut me out, he's waiting for me with open arms. He truly loves me, and I love him in a way I didn't know existed before.
He hugs me more times in a week than my mum and dad have in a lifetime. He cooks for me and makes sure I eat. He cheers me up when I feel down. He is the most incredible cold hearted person I know. I would do anything for him, and to stay with him. I sound like a 14 year old with their first girlfriend/ boyfriend, but that's how I feel.
I feel like I don't do enough for him, I want to do more but most of his struggles are academic and not something I know anything about.
I don't know what this post was supposed to be about, but this happened. I can't express how quickly things can change for the better, and with several suicide attempts in my past, along with cutting, I'm glad I didn't give up. In contrast to how I've felt in the past and my circumstances, my every day life is pretty lucky. In the days before I knew how fake my friends were, I thought they were the ray of sunshine to contrast with my home life. I was naive, and I still am but life is a learning process. You get one chance, you can fuck up as much as you like, as long as you stay alive. There's no reset button, no extra lives; your health potions are the people you surround yourself with. Hopefully they're all good and give you the strength to carry on, and not the deceiving ones that make you ill.
Unconditional love, and stay strong all of you lovely people. You are worth it.
Cazzie x
