Beauty

I'm pretty sure I've posted this before but I can't find it.

Beauty is all around us, in nature, in design and in people. I'm not talking about physical beauty today though.

A person can be beautiful on the inside by the things he or she does and says. It can be their passion for a hobby. It can be the way they talk to people. Afterall, 'actions speak louder than words'. And 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Basically, someone out there will love your ideals, and find you beautiful. If someone can love you and go past your looks, you're on to a winner. Everyone is beautiful in different ways, and no amount of make-up will change true beauty. Just be yourself. <3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Religion vs Good People

I consider myself to be religious, yet not really religious.

I can't tell if he looks bored or judgmental? Probably neither.

I believe in God, was brought up in a Christian family and went to Catholic schools. However, I stopped going to church regularly from the age when I was allowed to stay home alone. Both my parents go to church each week, but to different denominations. My mum goes to the Salvation Army while my dad is a Pentecostal, speaking in tongues, gospel singing kind of guy.

I do not think that religious people are good. Maybe I've had a few too many run ins with religious people that I do not like. Both my parents have abused me at some point in my life, luckily not at the same time. The man who got me kicked out my house was supposedly extremely religious. Oh, and I've been called a 'bad Christian'.

I may not go to church, but I still believe. I pray for others, and sometimes for my pain to go away. I try not to be selfish, but there's only so much a human can do. I'm not perfect and I accept that. I give to charity when I can, but as a student, I am often in debt and asking my dad to help me out financially with the intention to pay him back.

I think that as long as you try to be a good person, you will go to Heaven. Religion aside. It's your intentions that count, not if you force others to believe a religion you pretend to believe in. Yes, God may be with you in every step of your life, but please, don't tell me there's someone watching over my shoulder all the time. That's just creepy.

There are too many people out there that go to church and think that's all they need to do. They do not give to charity, they do not consider others and are not nice people.
*I went to my dad's church once and they said "If you have any money with you, you must give it to the church. It's what God wants."* I mean, what if you just received a late birthday card and it had a little bit of money in it? You expect me to give you a gift that was intended for me? Heck no! They looked down on me when I emptied my pockets to prove I had no money with me at all. (Never make a ten year old feel poor for not carrying cash.)

I'm sorry, but in my eyes, forcing and pressurising others to come to your church and believe in God is not being religious. 'Love thy neighbour', surely as they are? Jesus didn't discriminate against the Jews for not following him, so why should we shun the non-believers?

We have so many religions, so why can't we accept that instead of implying 'Our religion is the only true religion'. No, the basic foundations are all the same. Three pillars that I forgot from Religious Studies; Charity being the only one I remember.

So can we all just try to be good people? Pretty please?

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

I Miss The Snow D:

This time last year, we had snow. Lot's of it.

Despite it being cold and how I get cold really easily, I still love snow. Last January (2013), I went around Hyde Park with my camera and took some photographs until my fingers practically died. I only got 43 images haha. Think about that number in comparison to about 400 pictures of just fruit during a shoot.

So yeah.

Snow makes the park look really beautiful, and after the end of 2013, I think I need something beautiful to distract me ;3.

Anyway, this is an image that I really like, and photography being subjective and controversial as it is, I've also had to watermark it quickly, just in case.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Destiny - Part 2

The journey.

The journey can be split into four different, main categories.
1, easy road, good outcome.
2, easy road, bad outcome.
3, tough road, brilliant outcome.
4, tough road, bad outcome.

Interpret this as you wish. When I thought of this, I figured that if you are motivated but have a load of obstacles in the way (tough road), your outcome will be brilliant in comparison.
However, there is the chance that you won't make it, usually because you don't think you can handle the pressure.

Life gives its toughest battles to its strongest soldiers.

God will never give you more than you can handle. ~I can't remember where I heard these but they have always stuck with me since. 

I look around me, and have noticed that most celebrities who have reached the top, came from broken or deprived backgrounds.
Then again, some have it easy by being born into the lifestyle and just carrying it on.

Generally (yes, I'm sure you can think of plenty of EXCEPTIONS), the higher the motivation a person has to succeed, the further they will go.

There's a higher level than the top, don't make do with what you've got. ~ Chipmunk.

So I've deviated from 'destiny' quite a bit, but it links in with my previous post. Destiny may be your purpose in life, but we can make and reach our own hopes, dreams and goals. Just don't forget to enjoy the juorney. ;)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

This Town Sucks

Sorry Crawley!!! (Not really sorry.)

To all those who know me, it is not a surprise that I absolutely hate my town with a passion. In fact, I go on about it so much.

"Where do you come from, before coming to uni?"
"Oh, just a little sucky/rubbish town near Gatwick."

I rarely say the name of my town unless I'm telling people that I'm back.

Anyway, I went into town earlier today just to buy a few tops because I didn't bring much from uni and I'm bored with my clothes. I successfully bought a pair of shoes in the sale yesterday and thought I would try my luck again. Now, I have a specific taste and am quite fussy with my clothes, so this is be taken into account.
I walked home from town with ... wait for it... a hot chocolate from Costa >.<.

Haha, my colourful wall and bedsheets ^.^

I didn't buy anything!

The shops here have barely any variety, and the numbers are slowly dwindling. We have so many 'coffee shops' that you could say "Let's go to town for some coffee, and maybe do some shopping after." Instead of "Let's go shopping and get a bite to eat after."

The town is full of clones, and the shops are the reason why. This is why online shopping is on the rise with obesity as going out shopping means finding nothing. As soon as I got home, I ordered a bag from Accessorize, which they did not have in store. Trust me, I went in every store that sold womens clothes. I went to Blue Inc before remembering that this store was mens wear only! It's nothing like Westfield and cannot wait to get back to London.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Destiny - Part 1

So my mum has been leaving this pamphlet around a lot lately, and on the cover it says "two roads, two destinies, one choice" And it got me thinking.

What if we have two destinies? I mean, two roads don't lead to the same place, and everyone would pick the easy route, right? Some of us may have an easy journey compared to others, and some people may have it really difficult.

What if our destinies are complete opposites, so really successful or really depressing. We are all here for a reason, and we all have the potential to make a difference. No matter how big or small. Even if our role is to give life to a person who makes a huge difference in your country or the world.

Some of us realise our purpose before others. It took my mum until she was in her early to mid fifties to notice that she's here to help those in need. Mostly animals before moving on to a child. Her mother fostered a load of children too, so maybe destiny is hereditory too? I want to help children, so that they do not suffer as much, but I hate children. So I aspire to be a social worker now... My mum is also really good with managing money, so if she had the right support as she grew up, she could have been a financial advisor. That would have paid a lot better than what she does do, but the path she took helped more lives with a bigger impact.

When I mentioned success earlier, I do not mean in the financial way. It's how successful you perceive yourself to be. Are you happy with your life? What are your main goals? Is it money, or something else?

Can you really be happy, if you just work for money? Do something you believe in, make a change.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

My Bad

So, I decided to read back through some of my blog posts tonight.

And I am so sorry!!!

My spelling is terrible. I usually write all my blog posts in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or just before bed. This means that I'm extremely tired and reading back through what I write doesn't do much good.

Please bear with me. I might have to start writing my posts one day, and edit and publish them the next day. I'm usually so careful with spelling and grammar, but apparently not on here.

I know, I know. There shouldn't be any excuses... I'll try to be better.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

J.Reyez

What can I really say?

He's Korean.

He's Canadian.

He's kinda cute.

I love his lyrics.

Rap/ Hip-hop is my all-time favourite genre.

I may have re-wrote the lyrics a little wrong as I did them from memory as soon as I got into class, and heard the song on my journey. Haha.

So I discovered J.Reyez years and years ago, when he did a parody of 'Like a G6' on Youtube (I believe it was something to do with a seagull?). Remember when that song came out? That's when I started listening to this guy. I don't know how, but he was already in my subscriptions so I started watching other videos.

This was long before my kpop obsession, as 3/4 years is fairly recent. I found him during my Canadian obsession. I've had a few obsessions over the years xD.

Anyway, I knew that he collaborated with Lydia Paek a lot in his albums, and she features in quite a lot of his videos too. Now, I didn't know she was with YG Entertainment until very late last year (as in, the last few days of December). And, best of all, she's even worked with G-Dragon a few times. <3

So jealous haha.

So J.Reyez raps about his life, and in a way he is a bit like Eminem. He does kpop covers in English, produces his own albums and songs, goes on tour and is quite successful now even if he isn't that famous to everyone. But he still has loads of fans.

I personally think he is quite inspirational as an artist and would love to meet him one day. Anyway, I've gone off topic, back on topic and probably make no sense right now, so this is goodbye.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x

Boring Update ;3

So I finally took that exam on Wednesday (15th) and it went pretty well. Although I'm scared to look back at my notes incase I missed something and dread results day... This is what revision did to me :(

I've postposed my Christmas project from uni and finally took out some books from the library today, although I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do with them haha. It's based on Ansel Adams, thats all you need to know. If I like any of my images, I'll post them here. I have to 'carry him around with me' like a best friend. I mean, who carries their friends? :P I have two weeks left...

And I've been getting really bored with my hair lately, so I'm wearing my extensions more often. Admittedly I wear them with a hat too as I'm loving the combination. I need more hair dyes so I can change my look even more haha. (I use wash out hair dye, and at the moment I only have pink, but I found this shop that does them quite cheaply instead of having to order them online and pay delivery.)

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

Medication

What do you think of the pills that doctors seem to just hand out for whatever reason?
Do you take pills, and what for?

Personally I don't like them. Just because we have a little ache or pain, why should we fill our body with chemicals? That's what medicine is. These aches and pains are out bodies telling us that something is wrong and we need to fix it.

Next time you have a headache, try a glass of cold water. If that doesn't work after ten minutes, then I will allow you to take something for it. If you're tired, go to sleep.

Muscle ache? Try and stretch it out first, before you try anything else.

Stomach ache... well I know this is harder for some people, but I curl up in bed until it goes away, making sure to drink plenty of water and eat a bit of food.

Depressed or feeling down? I've personally found that listening to 'happier' upbeat music has a better effect than taking anti-depressants. Especially when you're bipolar.

Anemic? Even doctors recommend red meat and green vegetables to help with this. The most common symptom is excessive tiredness.

NEVER TAKE MEDICATION WHILST FEELING FAINT!!

Obviously, there are certain things that 'NEED' medication, and I know that some things can get too painful. I'm just saying that are usually are alternatives to pain relief and other medication. I'm not saying that I never take pills, last year I had a lower back ache that went on for three days before I went to see a doctor. It was so bad that I couldn't walk more than ten minutes at a time. He tried giving me pills that I'm allergic to, before giving me extra strong pills.

Taking pills will always give you a side effect as they are not natural, and most of the time, you will  not notice these side effects. However, if you continuously use pain killers, the chemicals will slowly build up in your system. You may notice that over time, you need to up the dosage of what you are taking. This is because your body gets used to the chemicals. You are placing 'toxins' in your body that are not supposed to be there. Some of these tablets were originally marketed for one thing, but then noticed that one of the side effects is 'beneficial' and re-labelled the medication. Does that mean that your body is having all these chemical reactions take place in you body just to ease the pain of a headache? Multi-function tablets are probably the worst ones out there.

Try to stay natural.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Contact Me

I love speaking to people all the time, and I get lonely at times. I can also try and give you some advice. So here are the best ways of getting in touch. I do try to reply, but I don't always use all of these methods all the time. Just try your luck ^.^

Skype: carinahasskype
Kik: carinaad
Twitter: carinaxx94 (I had to change it and privatize it for personal reasons)
E-mail (no guarantee): caz.a.d@hotmail.com

I also use various other ways, so just comment below or ask through one of the above. ^.^ Let's talk.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

LOVE

I guess this blog is sort of a dedication to the second and last person I ever loved.

I was with my first boyfriend on and off (mostly off) for almost two years, from age 14 (I'll call him Scott). We sort of drifted apart after finishing school at 16 (Bonus of living in England, we can chose to leave school at 16. I chose to stay on xD) and only exchange birthday wishes through Facebook now.

Anyway, secondly there was Aaron*. I met him shortly after turning 15, well, I met him through his sister that I had only met days earlier. The three of us became quick friends and spent loads of time together. We met up that summer (as they did not live that close) and were practically inseparable, chatting all night long online.

*Sorry, I can't remember him without tears coming to my eyes*

I fell for him, but I could never admit that to him. I was scared of ruining what we had, yet we told each other practically everything else. Aaron was two years older than me, and apparently had a girlfriend that I never met but he was always with me and his sister. I didn't quite understand. Anyway, that year, he had an accident. He was knocked over by a car and hospitalised. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply when I got the text. I just sat in my room crying. That's when I knew that my feelings were really strong, but I was put off by knowing he had someone else.

Our friendship was brief, now that I think about it. I had a lot going on at home, and he and his sister had moved even further away due to family issues. I didn't press for details, I knew that if he would tell anyone, it would be me. 15th June 2011, Aaron sadly passed away. I was 17. He was such a huge part of my  life, that I didn't know what to do after he went. The shock was immense and the pain still haunts me. Around his two year anniversary, I cried and cried. It was terrible.

My memories do not serve me well, ever. I don't remember being with Scott and falling for Aaron at the same time. The parts that give me pin points in time are: he was knocked down by a car around the time of my GCSE's (I finished them in 2010), and he died two months before I moved house (August 2011). I knew he was ill, but he wouldn't let pain get him down. He suffered in silence, always wearing that smile on his face. I sunk into my deepest depression pit to date.

Anyway... If anyone needs me, I'll post some contact details later. Or just leave me a comment :3

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Paranoia

So I get paranoid sometimes, but in my mind, it's not unrealistic.

My mother and myself have realised (together) that when we think something is happening to us or that we are being targeted we are actually right. People look at us and think we are mad or something, but we test our theories and come out right.

When I was young, my mum thought we were being racially targeted. She told her brothers and other family that she felt unsafe where she was living, an later found evidence of people breaking into a mid-terrace back garden which had no access from the back. She found other peoples' footprints in the sand pit. So we moved house the first time.

Whilst at uni, I thought that someone was using my stuff. So I started to deliberately leave my stuff in certain places and positions, and then I would notice if it had moved. I was right. I also noticed my mug 'missing' one day and could not find it at all. Later that day, a flatmate came into to kitchen with it. The one person that seemed to hate me in that flat was taking my stuff.

Now I am noticing (after moving buildings) that my milk is going missing. Before I was just confused, but after my (almost) whole box of cereal had been eaten (I rarely eat breakfast), and half of my remaining ice-cream being eaten, I knew something was up. So now I take a sharpie into the kitchen if I know I will be using milk for anything. I make a mark where it finishes and if the milk line is lower, I mark it with a line and '?'. The '?' is for when I don't use it myself. The marks are on the back of the bottle, so they can't be seen easily, but I wrote on the front for someone to stop using it. Unless I put cameras up in the kitchen, I will not catch the culprit. :(

My next thought is to get a mini fridge in my room (against my contract terms) so that I am not being stolen from as much. This is so frustrating. >.<

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Sometimes.. I hate being a girl.

To all the girls out there, do you get this too?

When mother nature gives you your monthly gift, do you feel this bad or even worse?

• So this morning, as I was in the shower, I almost passed out and had to sit on the floor for a little while, and as I was washing my hair, I had to stop and sit down with my bathroom door open to cool down.
• I then had to open my bedroom window and lay down in bed, before managing to put anything other than a towel on.
• I sleep, like all day. I physically cannot do anything more than microwave a previously cooked meal and just sit or lay down all day.
• Cramps put me off having children, if period cramps are this severe that I almost pass out, how will I give birth?
• I don't like taking medication much, so I try other ways to soothe myself.
• Eating is too strenuous. I have two bites of breakfast, drink some water then fall asleep.
• The furthest I can walk is from my bed to my door, luckily at university I have an en-suite.
• Going to the kitchen is a milestone I have to pass every few hours to re-fill a water bottle and have dinner.
• You know how cramps are always there, but sometimes they come on stronger suddenly? I breathe as if I am in labour because it hurts too much as I double over in pain.

All this makes me wish that I was back home just for this part of the month so that my mum can look after me and my dog will comfort me. The only revision I can manage today is to listen to the recordings of my lectures on repeat, even as I doze off.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Magic

What if magic was real? If it actually existed.

I believe it does. But not in the fairy tale kind of way. I believe that if you believe in something enough, it becomes true. Your imagination is not just your brain making things up, but a 'third eye' sort of thing looking into a parallel or alternative dimension.

We all possess magic, and 'magicians' are the ones who have managed to tap into their abilities and make a THING out of it. The world isn't as boring as it seems. I have noticed that if I wish for something enough, with all my heart, it becomes true. Small things, nothing drastic though. And it has only happened a few times.

I live in my own world, as you can tell. At age 5, I thought that I knocked over a basket in class with my powers. I wanted it to happen, and truly thought I had done it. It wasn't the wind because the door was closed and we were inside, and no one was near it to knock it over, and it wasn't on the edge of the table either. I saw it move and fall off. I thought it was me! I was so excited that I told my mum when I got home and said "I'm a witch!" :)

There are many types of modern 'magical' people out there; wiccans, magicians, fortune tellers, etc, and for obvious reasons I cannot tell you certain things, but I do enjoy reading this sort of fiction. Imagine if everything you reason was real, just not in our world? It's truly amazing what you can see if you just believe.

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Happy New Year - Part 2

Happy New Year (again)!!

Do any of you have any New Years Resolutions? You know, the whole 'new year, new me' sort of thing?
How about keeping it simple 'I will be nicer to my parents'.

My half one is to take more selfies. I looked through my Instagram a couple of weeks ago, and realised that most of my stuff is boring and either food or random things that no one would find interesting at all. So I decided at that point (before Christmas), that more pictures will be of me. Hopefully it will boost my self-esteem or confidence, or something.

I haven't made a resolution for almost 10 years, (I must have been around 9, maybe younger) so let's just see how this goes. So far so good ^.^ Check my progress @carinadumfeh on Instagram ^.^

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x

Happy New Year - Part 1

Ok, so I'm a little late.

So I went to Waterloo, London, to watch the fireworks this/last year with my foster sister. You know, the ones they show on TV from London. They were absolutely beautiful.

 Apologies, I wasn't really concentrating on taking focused pictures because I was watching the display more, so most of my images are useless.

 I was pretty close to the front ^.^ but that did mean that the tree on the other side of the barrier got in the way. I think there were only about 'five rows' of people in front of us.

 ^ This has got to be my favourite image out of all of them.

 It did start raining about ten minutes before the display started, so loads of people took their umbrellas out, only for me to have my view obstructed. Being typically British, it was also really windy so a load of umbrellas were tuned inside out or became broken by the end of the night.

  It was supposed to be a multi-sensory display, with strawberry mist, orange bubbles and banana flavoured confetti. Unfortunately, it was very rainy, windy and cold so they either; cancelled this part of the show, I didn't smell or taste anything due to the weather, or I left too early. I left at 00.15am. I got home (East London) at half past three!

To Borris Johnson (if you ever read this), thank you for a spectacular New Year's show, but please allow locals (my foster sister) to get home more easily when they only live ten minutes away, instead of sending us on an hour and five minutes detour.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x