Numb

A few weeks ago, I was extremely stressed. It was deadline time and all I knew was that I couldn't finish my work in time. I would cry and feel numb. Let me tell you, feeling numb is the worst feeling in the world. I tried everything I could to feel something - anything. I ate shit loads of sugar, I cried, I spoke to people. And nothing helped. Even when I reached out to my boyfriend, I made him feel worse. The numbness made me not care about the world, not care about me or anybody else. I would get the uncontrollable urge to cut. I tried not to. I carried out 4 of my 6 steps that my therapist gave me to try before cutting. I couldn't do the other two because I didn't have the stuff around. I tried to stop myself for 2 hours. The urge wouldn't go away.

Pain is the only thing that made me feel anything. I hate the marks I left on my skin. I hate the feeling of failure once the deed is done. I felt so weak. It was the first and only time my boyfriend ever got angry with me. But it wasn't all bad. I had emotions again, I could feel. The relief of pressure. FEELING ALIVE. It’s a reminder that I have something to live for. That everything is temporary and things get better. 

Self-harm doesn't just damage your skin, it can damage the feelings of those around you. Those who love you, they don't understand how cutting can be a good thing. In moderation and not deep. Scars aren't a sign of weakness, but a reminder of overcoming your greatest fears and obstacles. It’s personal.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

I submitted this to a blog through my tumblr: http://aprianna.tumblr.com/ 

Remember, seek help if you're going through any mental health issues, no matter how minor. Just be completely honest with your doctor because no one should suffer in silence.

Kantai Collection: KanColle

There's something about this anime that took me a while to understand, especially as I hadn't played the game in which this is based. All the girls are ships. Actual battle ships. And there are no guys what-so-ever.

I started the series without a clue as to what would happen, and there was no synopsis that I could find at the time, besides mentioning that it is a TV adaptation of an online card game.
The story follows Fubuki, a new destroyer ship sent into the action packed world of war. That's what it seems to me. Think of each girl as a battleship on water, they need to be repaired and upgraded, and they have weapons attached to them (though not all of the time). And if they sink, they basically die.
Fubuki is new to all of this, she's never been in battle before and so she's really nervous. But the show follows her journey of determination and motivation (two things I lack) to become better and join her idol in a specific group based on rank.

YOU are in this anime. Well, you are the Admiral, like you would be if you played the game, you are the over-seer of everything that goes on. You also appear to be calling the shots and deciding who goes where and who attacks the enemy. However, screaming at your screen will not change the outcome of the anime (I wish it did though).

This explains it better:
"Set in a world where humanity has lost control of the oceans to the "deep sea fleet," the only hope to counter this threat are the Kanmusu, a group of girls who possess the spirit of Japanese warships. The story revolves around Fubuki, a destroyer who comes to the Chinjufu base to train with other Kanmusu. Watch as their stories unfold!" ~ MyAnimeList and CrunchyRoll.

Fubuki game card on CrunchyRoll.

I don't know if I like this or not, there was something about it that made me want to watch the new episode each week, but I also feel that I could have dropped it at any moment if I really wanted to. I was just intrigued at the style this anime took, by involving the viewer. This made me want to watch it, and now I want to see what is in store for the second season which has been promised, even without a date.

Anyway I will leave it here for now.

Unconditional love

Cazzie x