Numb

A few weeks ago, I was extremely stressed. It was deadline time and all I knew was that I couldn't finish my work in time. I would cry and feel numb. Let me tell you, feeling numb is the worst feeling in the world. I tried everything I could to feel something - anything. I ate shit loads of sugar, I cried, I spoke to people. And nothing helped. Even when I reached out to my boyfriend, I made him feel worse. The numbness made me not care about the world, not care about me or anybody else. I would get the uncontrollable urge to cut. I tried not to. I carried out 4 of my 6 steps that my therapist gave me to try before cutting. I couldn't do the other two because I didn't have the stuff around. I tried to stop myself for 2 hours. The urge wouldn't go away.

Pain is the only thing that made me feel anything. I hate the marks I left on my skin. I hate the feeling of failure once the deed is done. I felt so weak. It was the first and only time my boyfriend ever got angry with me. But it wasn't all bad. I had emotions again, I could feel. The relief of pressure. FEELING ALIVE. It’s a reminder that I have something to live for. That everything is temporary and things get better. 

Self-harm doesn't just damage your skin, it can damage the feelings of those around you. Those who love you, they don't understand how cutting can be a good thing. In moderation and not deep. Scars aren't a sign of weakness, but a reminder of overcoming your greatest fears and obstacles. It’s personal.

Unconditional love,

Cazzie x 

I submitted this to a blog through my tumblr: http://aprianna.tumblr.com/ 

Remember, seek help if you're going through any mental health issues, no matter how minor. Just be completely honest with your doctor because no one should suffer in silence.

Photography is Bullsh*t

I am a student photographer and I think the marking system is bullsh*t.

At my university, every course requires that you don't write your name on any piece of coursework or exam paper, except photography. This is to ensure fair marking and no favouritism. However, on the photography course, you have to write your name on everything. Not only that, but the tutors who mark your work, work very closely with you on your project and know what you're doing. So even without names, they can take a pretty good guess.

I upset some of my tutors in my first year, and I believe that I am still paying for it.

So a lesson to you all. Don't upset your tutors, EVER. Also, check before you start the uni and course that all marking is anonymous. This works in both ways, if a tutor knows you more personally and sees your  exam/coursework, they will mark you up or down accordingly. I had a criminology tutor who confirmed this in a seminar as she said "If I know a student has been working hard all semester, comes in prepared and takes part in seminars, then I mark their paper. I will mark them higher and according to how they are in class, and not just what they hand in." As you can tell, this tutor is lucky to be marking anonymously. We write our student numbers eg. '1234567' and not our names. It would be tedious for a tutor to search up every student number on the course (over 100 per module) just to find a student they like in order to mark them up.

This is why I think my course is bullsh*t. (Plus I have two days until hand-in and haven't done anything...mental problems...)

Unconditional love,
Cazzie x