CONFRONTATION
Ok, so during a party on Friday night, my flatmate came up to me to say 'Stop writing notes, just talk to me if I annoy you.' I just agreed and said that I would try. Little does she know why I don't confront people face to face, but always text or write a note to talk later.
As a child, I never had much emotional support. My father was abusive, even though my parents were divorced. My mother never listened or understood. I couldn't talk about how things made me feel. I was constantly told not to bother speaking up. Over summer after a fight with my foster sister, it was the first time my dad had been there for me. He actually picked me up and hugged me. It's only taken him my whole 19 years to start attempting to be a dad.
The one time I spoke up to my mum, I left home. I was 16.
The one time I spoke up to my dad, I got kicked out my home. At 17.
The only way I have ever been able to talk to my mum about how I feel, was to write it down so she could read it in her own time.
I'm actually very strong minded, but I don't always speak up.
I can't even remember what I'm trying to say... Basically, if you don't feel comfortable speaking, find another way to communicate. Even if its to me. Like I said somewhere, I will always listen and reply when I can. Write notes, draw, shout it out. Do anything, just don't keep things bottled up because that's not good for you or your health.
Sunday 27 October 2013
Wednesday 23 October 2013
Oopsies
Right, so last night I was really annoyed with a couple of people in my flat, and I wrote a note to stick onto my cupboard. Basically setting some simple and easy to follow ground rules on keeping the kitchen nice. One was to not leave dishes in the sink for hours and hours on end (aimed at Mel and Phil), others were to do with the bins, putting away rubbish, etc. Just basic stuff really.
So no one really noticed until this evening, and Mel seemed to get really pissed off with me. She kept quizzing me on 'no smoking inside when it's really cold'. It's against our contract to smoke inside anyway, plus I get cold very quickly.
Also, it was more the way she behaved, throwing stuff into the sink really loudly. Clearing the whole table in a huff. Chucking out everything, probably to see if she would get a reaction out of us.
You see, I generally don't get along with girls. They irritate me, act all whiney all the time (I might be like this one though), lie about everything, wear loads of make up and barely any clothes. I'm a tomboy, all through school, most of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. Although my second two closest friends are girls, I'm no good at keeping in contact with them.
So I've just gone completely off the point, and I shall leave you there.
Night night my lovelies x
So no one really noticed until this evening, and Mel seemed to get really pissed off with me. She kept quizzing me on 'no smoking inside when it's really cold'. It's against our contract to smoke inside anyway, plus I get cold very quickly.
Also, it was more the way she behaved, throwing stuff into the sink really loudly. Clearing the whole table in a huff. Chucking out everything, probably to see if she would get a reaction out of us.
You see, I generally don't get along with girls. They irritate me, act all whiney all the time (I might be like this one though), lie about everything, wear loads of make up and barely any clothes. I'm a tomboy, all through school, most of my friends have been guys. My best friend is a guy. Although my second two closest friends are girls, I'm no good at keeping in contact with them.
So I've just gone completely off the point, and I shall leave you there.
Night night my lovelies x
Sunday 20 October 2013
University #5
Now for the story of about two weeks ago. As I have vaguely listed those that I live with, I'm going to use those names and assume you know who they are even though you really don't know these people.
Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.
One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.
When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.
For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.
I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.
*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*
Phil had been texting Lizzy since Fresher's week, pretending to be a girl that we all knew. I don't know what was in these texts, so I'm not really sure how bad they are or how they may have affected Lizzy. I was all for it when I first heard about this little prank, and thought nothing much of it. One week later, I heard that it was still carrying on and I told him to stop.
Bearing in mind that my memory is rubbish and I forgot all about it until I was reminded.
By the second week, I thought it was going on too long and told Phil to stop, especially as we didn't know each other very well. By the third week this was going on, I said that he was pure evil and had to stop immediately. Obviously he didn't.
One Friday evening while we were all drinking together (yes we're all old enough), Lizzy found out and went to her room crying. I knocked on her door a few minutes later and she answered. I hugged her as she told me what was going on, and me being drunk, I told her that I vaguely knew. She burst into tears more and closed the door in which her boyfriend spoke to me. I explained all I could, probably not really making any sense, and admitted that I probably should have told her the situation sooner. He then shut the door on my face and I broke down, crying so much that I fell to the floor for ten minutes without the tears stopping.
When I managed to compose myself, I went into the kitchen and threatened Phil. Cutting down the last part of the story, I grabbed a knife from the draining board, fell to the floor crying again, in the middle of the kitchen. The rest makes me look bad, I was acting out of character, my emotions heightened, I was drunk, and I'm not a very violent person. In fact, I would never want to hurt a person. Plus I hate the sight and smell of blood so none of my threats are actually serious.
For three days, Lizzy refused to talk to any of us. Less than a week later, I text her every couple of days about normal stuff, seeing if she would reply. Eventually she did, but she never came out of her room. For a week, we would text each other, and despite literally living next to her, I never saw her face. This weekend, so, two weeks after the incident, she finally emerged to everyone else, while I managed to go shopping with her a couple of days earlier. It took a while, but I hope and think things will be getting better from here on out.
I've finally filled her in on all the details that I did know, and she's vaguely told me a couple of the texts, which made it seem like a girl was flirting with her too much. So yeah, it was just a prank gone too far.
*I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm really tired and not really concentrating much.*
BusyBusyBusy
Hey, sorry I haven't been posting as much as I usually do, but I've been really busy. So busy that I haven't even managed to search for a job...
So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight. I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.
I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.
I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)
Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.
Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).
I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.
Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(
Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/
So I have mountains worth of coursework to complete, luckily my closest deadline is ten days away... Not that I really have much time left. I finally got one of my photoshoots done, so progress is being made, no matter how slight. I should also be doing another shoot tomorrow, with a further one during the week.
I have been spending more time with my flatmates, and we are finally all talking again. Also we seem to be getting a little closer, although I found that the more I know about one of the girls, the less I am liking her.
I figured out why I reacted the way I did a couple of weeks ago when one girl had a prank on her. (Not sure if I mentioned the whole story, if not I'll add another post.) I realised that I really liked her. Even though she has a boyfriend, just knowing that she is also bisexual and really nice, good looking, etc. made me fall for her a little. (I really need to make up names for my flatmates.)
Let's see... Shanay, Phil, Mel, James, and Lizzy. None of these names actually make sense haha. I hope I remember these... Oh, and Mel's boyfriend can be called Luke and Lizzy's boyfriend shall now be Brian.
Iris stayed over on Thursday (shh, don't tell security) which was fun, and we went to China Town Friday before taking her home and she modelled for me on Thursday (she always models for me).
I'm trying to think what else has been going on.... If I remember, I'll post. I just know there's been a lot but it's hard for me to remember.
Oh, I was also filmed as a presenter for my friend's work, went Filipino food shopping and ate out quite a bit. I'm going to be so poor over Christmas :(
Last Saturday, we went sober clubbing in Piccadilly and I saw a YouTuber but was too scared to say I so I tweeted him :/
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Procrastinating
This is something I'm an expert at. I can be given a piece of work and just find anything else possible to do.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing coursework, or reading up on the law, or going food shopping but instead, I have just cleaned my entire room and bathroom... All of the three things above are extremely important, but well... This is me.
Don't get me wrong, I will get the work done by the deadline, or blag my way through it. I'm just no good at time management... And I have started my photography coursework, and done my lead up research, but finding friends to model for me and both being free at the same time is pretty difficult.
So later, I will convince one of my flatmates to come shopping with me. It's time for another stock up, especially since the beer explosion >.< And I'm running out of the huge packets that mother bought me for when I arrived.
Basically, one of the girls in my flat put beer in my drawer in the freezer, it exploded and I had to chuck away every open packet away. That left me with virtually no food. This was two/three days ago.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing coursework, or reading up on the law, or going food shopping but instead, I have just cleaned my entire room and bathroom... All of the three things above are extremely important, but well... This is me.
Don't get me wrong, I will get the work done by the deadline, or blag my way through it. I'm just no good at time management... And I have started my photography coursework, and done my lead up research, but finding friends to model for me and both being free at the same time is pretty difficult.
So later, I will convince one of my flatmates to come shopping with me. It's time for another stock up, especially since the beer explosion >.< And I'm running out of the huge packets that mother bought me for when I arrived.
Basically, one of the girls in my flat put beer in my drawer in the freezer, it exploded and I had to chuck away every open packet away. That left me with virtually no food. This was two/three days ago.
Sunday 13 October 2013
Dreams
So, I was talking with my mum on the phone earlier, and something creeped me out. It wasn't the fact that our town has been subject to a serious rape, a stabbing or death by manhole cover. It was to do with my brother.
Basically, for the last three nights, I've been having dreams about my brother getting depressed over his relationship and life in general, and so my family would all go and cheer him up. Each night is different but it always ends with him feeling reassured and better about everything.
Now, I found out today that my brother is feeling depressed and worried over his relationship. So my dreams have been true...
I wouldn't say we are particularly close, but it freaked me out a little. Especially as my mum said it has been this past week and the timing and situations are very coincidental. Has anyone else experienced this? Or is this a brother-sister thing?
Basically, for the last three nights, I've been having dreams about my brother getting depressed over his relationship and life in general, and so my family would all go and cheer him up. Each night is different but it always ends with him feeling reassured and better about everything.
Now, I found out today that my brother is feeling depressed and worried over his relationship. So my dreams have been true...
I wouldn't say we are particularly close, but it freaked me out a little. Especially as my mum said it has been this past week and the timing and situations are very coincidental. Has anyone else experienced this? Or is this a brother-sister thing?
Sunday 6 October 2013
Looking Up
Sometimes things get too much for us, sometimes we feel that we can't cope with what life throws at us. That's fine, it's all perfectly normal.
Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?
So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?
Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.
I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.
Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".
Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.
Stay Strong :) x
Think of life as the ultimate test, there is only one way to fail. But you don't want to fail, you want to see what comes next. What does life have in store for us?
So what if your new flatmates play a huge prank on you. Move on, sweetie.
So what if a really close friend had died?
So what if school/work/college/university/home is stressing you out so much? Relax a little.
So what if your crush doesn't know you exist? Make him/her see you.
So what if your parents have split up?
So what if the one that left isn't speaking to you?
So what if you're confused about your sexulaity?
So what if you get called weird?
So what if you're different?
So what if you have a disorder, or three?
And so what if your dad is moving to another continent by the end of the year and you won't have any money to survive university because you have no luck with getting a job again?
Besides the first one, this is what I am going through, or I have one through recently.
I've made some mistakes myself this week, in fact this is probably the worst week of the year... Ok, so I haven't made many mistakes, just one or two on a drunken night in with my flat, but that's beside the point.
Life is about having fun and making the best out of what's around you. And as Cody explained all those years ago on the Disney Channel (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody); "If you believe, then you can achieve, because you are the driver of your own life".
Every day, many teenagers suffer emotionally in silence. Let's try and stop this. Become more open with your friends, call Childline on 0800 1111 for free, post in forums, comment on here, or even send me a message. I can try to help, even if you just want someone to listen. Tweet me or something @Carinaxx, I am always here to listen or help. You know what, I'll give you my kik, so you can 'text' me without knowing my number. It's carinaad.
Stay Strong :) x
Thursday 3 October 2013
University #4
Life sucks. Welcome to the side of me that I hate..
I have no job, I found out that I only have £600 to spend until christmas because my rent is so expensive, and I need to live off that for 3 months :(
I was feeling ill, so asked someone to make me dinner, he then calls and says its really disrespectful because he has a girlfriend? I mean, can I not be your friend anymore, last I remember, YOU were OFFERING to make me dinner.
That made me feel guilty and now I'm in this damn pit, a dark, lifeless pit of despair.
Oh, someone has used my cheese in the past day, then put in on another persons shelf...
And someone (else?) has used my dish sponge to clean all the burnt stuff off of their pans. We have more sponges than people in this flat, use that! Worst thing is, I'm 98% sure of who did it, and she won't freaking admit it.
This is putting a downer on my day, and possibly on the weekend, and rest of the damn month. Just because I don't advertise that I'm bipolar, it doesn't mean that I'm sane and will take this with a pinch of salt like I usually do.
All of this combined is making me depressed. >.<
I'm gonna go cry now, bye. D':
I have no job, I found out that I only have £600 to spend until christmas because my rent is so expensive, and I need to live off that for 3 months :(
I was feeling ill, so asked someone to make me dinner, he then calls and says its really disrespectful because he has a girlfriend? I mean, can I not be your friend anymore, last I remember, YOU were OFFERING to make me dinner.
That made me feel guilty and now I'm in this damn pit, a dark, lifeless pit of despair.
Oh, someone has used my cheese in the past day, then put in on another persons shelf...
And someone (else?) has used my dish sponge to clean all the burnt stuff off of their pans. We have more sponges than people in this flat, use that! Worst thing is, I'm 98% sure of who did it, and she won't freaking admit it.
This is putting a downer on my day, and possibly on the weekend, and rest of the damn month. Just because I don't advertise that I'm bipolar, it doesn't mean that I'm sane and will take this with a pinch of salt like I usually do.
All of this combined is making me depressed. >.<
I'm gonna go cry now, bye. D':
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